Evolve or remain.

"Hello!! We have things!!"  These were the first words my mom spoke to the extended family we hadn't seen in half a decade when we stepped through the front door of the Air B&B this past summer holding a case of local beer and a bag of board games.  "So do we!!" My aunt said, smiling ear to ear and so enthusiastically that I swear everything stopped in that moment - in the best way. It was one of the simplest, silliest exchanges I'd ever heard and I loved it so much that I've thought about it every day since. I think there are a lot of great feelings in this world, but seeing family after far too long will forever be my favorite.  The living room was packed. We were shoulder to shoulder almost, reaching between each other to grab appetizers and between our turns taking part in multiple conversations. It was loud. It was SO. LOUD. And I'm not someone who enjoys tons of noise, but that is the best sound. Laughing, meeting new members of the family...

 I don't think it's possible to describe how emotional, and insane, and chaotic the past few weeks (and even months?) have been. I've made a lot of choked-up phone calls. I've burned through dozens of notebooks worth of journaling. I've been hard on myself. Harder than I should ever be - but I've also been chasing the light in my own little world like it's everything. Maybe because it is. Maybe because it's the littlest things that have been keeping me alive lately.  I don't know how long you've read my work or if you ever have, but you have to know one thing about me regardless. I'm weird. I'll make you pull over if we're out and the skyline is pretty. And you'll laugh. You'll think it's ridiculous, and I know that but it won't stop me. It's one of those little signals from the universe that matters to me and I'll do my best to soak it up every single time as if I've never seen the sun go down before. A fe...

I really do.  I know I haven't written in forever. I've meant to. My email inboxes AND my heart have been overflowing as I've been thrown into adulthood. There's been an inspiring, challenging, frustrating, overwhelming amount of change in almost every element of my life lately.  I walked into my supervisor's office one afternoon at work to ask if I was qualified for a promotional position I knew nothing about.  "With your abilities? I have no doubts," she told me.  A week later I made a call to my mom from my desk to tell her I got it.  And just like that, I had to start the learning and adaptation processes all over again. Jusssssssssssssst as I had started to get comfortable where I had started my first full-time job ever.  It's still hard for me to believe that any of it is real. As a kid, I listened to the people around me complain about work. I grew up expecting to hate my job, and simultaneously determined NOT to. It worked, because I love what ...

It has come to my attention that I'm surrounded by a lot of strong, powerful people who don't know how strong and powerful they are. If you're reading this now, that's you. I'm talking to you. I see a lot of positive sounding posts from people who have broken down crying when I've asked how they're doing. I've been supported lately, and always, by people who I *know* are struggling themselves and if you're one of those people, thank you. I've learned, through the recovery process and dealing with my own mental illness, that people tend to hold back the bad stuff. People don't proudly project their pain - they shove it down and cover it up. They pretend everything is okay, often suffering in silence, until they break. The self-destruction is very real and very dangerous.  Bad things happen to good people and the good people blame themselves for it. Loyal hearts get played. People cry themselves to sleep some nights and show up to work with a s...

 I'll start simply. I don't believe in doing things systematically. I don't think that really gets anyone anywhere, or at least... anywhere worth going.  I respect it. If it has worked for you, I'm very glad that it has. I just can't believe in it for me. I've never been someone who could sit, study, pass exams and learn everything everyone told me I needed to learn. That process angered me.  I cried my way through my college algebra class and almost failed Chemistry. Studying Spanish as my second language was frustrating and I stopped going to my Geology class all together. My biology lab pushed me to the limit of my patience, and all of that is barely the beginning of what taught me the only lesson that stuck.  It's so important to find something you're passionate enough about to not be so bothered by the seemingly pointless and stressful little stuff along the way. Passion matters. I'll say it again. Passion. Matters. More than you could ever thin...

I used to see people driving sports cars, wearing designer clothes, dining in restaurants with mood lighting, handing credit cards to cashiers like their total didn't mean anything and I always just thought, "That's it. That's what it's like to live a good life." I used to see people living like that and I wanted it more than anything. As a little girl I wanted to be a doctor someday, and my dad always told me that if I followed through on that, then eventually I'd be living a life like those people.  But people change, and thank God for that because my idea of a good life is so, so different now. My idea of a good life is no longer dependent on nice cars, the tag on clothes, night life, or anything else even remotely tied to money. My idea of a good life now is exactly what I have - even in the midst of a global pandemic and some of the hardest circumstances I've experienced yet.  I live entirely and unapologetically for the littlest things. Conversat...

 A few weeks ago I told one of my friends that it was almost time for me to start writing my 2020 wrap-up post, (like I do every year) and her response couldn't have been more... real.  "How are you even going to do that for a year like this?"  I had to think about that for a while. To be honest, I think I've been ready to write this one from the beginning. The first few weeks of the year were the only ones that were normal, and there's been a lot of times this year when I've come here to write just to get away from all the weird, wild sh*t that's been going down since.  A lot of 2020 consisted of unkind days. I had to make a lot of painfully difficult decisions. I walked away from a lot of people and a lot of positions - and a lot of the time it seemed like part of me was watching it happen and yelling back, "What are you doing? Why are you doing this? How could you? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS!?" The other part of me learned that raising my voice in ...