You Don't Have To Do Things The Way You're Told. Exploring Is Better Anyway.

 I'll start simply. I don't believe in doing things systematically. I don't think that really gets anyone anywhere, or at least... anywhere worth going. 

I respect it. If it has worked for you, I'm very glad that it has. I just can't believe in it for me. I've never been someone who could sit, study, pass exams and learn everything everyone told me I needed to learn. That process angered me. 

I cried my way through my college algebra class and almost failed Chemistry. Studying Spanish as my second language was frustrating and I stopped going to my Geology class all together. My biology lab pushed me to the limit of my patience, and all of that is barely the beginning of what taught me the only lesson that stuck. 

It's so important to find something you're passionate enough about to not be so bothered by the seemingly pointless and stressful little stuff along the way. Passion matters. I'll say it again. Passion. Matters. More than you could ever think it does.

That isn't to say that what you're passionate about will be easy or that it will make everything else easy. I'd be lying if I led you to believe that. Passion makes things hard in its own weird way. But, if you're lucky enough to find it, you'll understand how little that matters in the grand scheme of things. 

I do a lot of small things that scare me, like applying for jobs I'm barely qualified for and trusting people with my heart. Things don't always work in my favor but when they do, they're beautiful. The best experiences I've ever been lucky enough to have are the ones I almost turned my back to or dreaded for weeks leading up to them. Life is weird. 

In middle school for community service hours I worked a food pantry event while schools were closed for summer. I was told I could only give one piece of fruit to each person. A single mom walked in with four small kids by her side and tears in her eyes halfway through my shift. She asked if she could possibly get an extra piece of fruit. The rule for me to follow was to say no - and I did. But it broke me. She was still sitting at the table when my shift ended, so I put a handful of pieces of fruit in a box for her and brought it over. Her smile in that moment told me everything I've ever needed to know. 

Helping people is both my passion and my purpose. Sometimes it means having to stretch or break some stupid rules. Sometimes it hurts, and sometimes it's the hardest thing in the world to do. But if it wasn't as intense as it is, I'm not sure I could keep my heart in it. 

I tell that story because it's an example of how a single afternoon changed my perspective, my outlook on life, and my actual life all at once. I had been dreading that shift for weeks. I didn't want to be there. I wanted to be home. But I couldn't help getting emotionally attached to the work and to the reason for it. There was no way I could've made a difference in that woman's day if I hadn't shown up. The four hours I had been dreading ended up being four of the most important hours of my life to date. 

So sometimes I guess you have to do things just because you have to do them. In my case, I needed those hours to meet a requirement for a grade. If you're lucky though, you get something out of it. And no, I don't mean a free t-shirt. I mean knowledge, experience, perspective, gratitude, respect. The things that are legitimately valuable. The things that mean more than words on textbook pages or grades on transcripts. 

I changed majors 4 times in 3 years. "I'm sure this time," I told my advisor every time we met. And every time, she shook her head and smiled. 

"You don't have to be," she said. "You're exploring."

She was right. She still is right. She will always be right. That's a lesson I've learned very well. You don't have to be certain of what you're doing all the time and for that matter, you don't ever have to be. A lot of my absolute best experiences and memories are from the things that I never expected and never possibly could've planned for. 

I got to be a high school representative for Wichita River Festival the summer before my senior year. That's one of my most valued memories, and I'm still beyond grateful that my mom stopped me before I had almost thrown that application in the trash. I had been so dangerously close to literally throwing away that opportunity, and I still think about that six years later. 

My boyfriend of 2 and a half years had broken up with me shortly before my senior prom, and left me with a, "why would I even go?" mindset. At that time in my life I felt that showing up alone would be beyond pathetic, and I cried through most of the weeks leading up to it because I was torn between desperately wanting to go and feeling like going would be just as awful. 

Prom was on April 2. I found a dress I loved on March 29, and that was enough. In the spirit of exploring, I decided to go alone. I came home that night high on life. Up to that point, I had never had enough confidence for it to spill over outside the limits of my comfort zone. Part of it was because I knew I had almost (again) let myself throw away another opportunity. An empowering one. 

When I interviewed for a job at a law office, my now former supervisor asked me if I had experience. "Honestly, no," I told her in that moment. "Not a lot, but I learn fast." 

I was hired that day. That's when I learned that being honest is a huge part of chasing your dreams. They let me work with them and learn from them for almost two years while I finished my degree, and now I've been full-time for a week. When I posted that life update, people kept saying that the office is lucky to have me working for them. There's some truth to that. I know my worth. But I also know that I'm the luckier one. I started as a 19 year old nervous wreck, sitting in a courtroom for the first time wondering how long it would take before I could work there. Now I'm 23 and I wake up at 6 a.m. every morning to get ready - and I'm happy about it because what was my dream then is my reality now. 

I didn't do things the way I had been told to. I was told that I needed to get my degree before I could consider working in a field like law. I was told that after I graduated I'd probably need to go to law school, which would've been another 3-4 years and thousands more dollars in student loans. I didn't want to wait that long. I didn't know what I wanted exactly, or what I needed to do to get there, but I knew I wanted to get some experience as early on in my life as I could. 

So, one afternoon my sophomore year of college after I finished a presentation for my Professional Business Writing final, I borrowed my mom's blazer and bought some black heels at a thrift store. I printed a copy of my resume off at the university library, put the law office on Google Maps and drove to meet with anyone who would speak with me.

A week later they gave me my welcome letter and a badge. I've been there since. 

Do I have my life figured out? No. Do I have it all together? No. Do I always know what I'm doing? Not even close. 

I'm messy. I've spilled coffee on the majority of shirts that I own and I often oversleep. My hair never lays the same way twice and all of my tattoos tell stories. I pick at my nails when I'm nervous, my taste in music is impossible to describe, and I love a good margarita on a Saturday night. Most people don't understand me and a lot have never tried. I like roses and sunflowers together, I talk too fast, my nail polish almost always includes glitter and I check my email like my life depends on it. My agenda is color-coded. I really do change the baking soda in my fridge every 30 days and I can't stand sitting at less than a quarter tank of gas. I'm quiet until I'm comfortable. If you ask me about a crime documentary I can almost promise I've seen it twice. I'm progressive and chaotic and I'm always learning. I say "sorry" a lot and I don't drink soda. I love observing people and the way they behave. I never needed a map to teach me how to get to school when I got my license because I'd spent years watching out the window as my mom drove me to and from. Card games are a love language for me. I love doing laundry, having pen pals helps me get through hard times, there are succulents in all of my windowsills and I have episodes of Full House memorized line by line. I love what I do for work. Ask me for an Instant Pot recipe and I can give you 50. Celebrating small things is big for me. I'm still trying to bring a Waffle House to Wichita. I pull over for sunsets, there's always cold brew in my fridge and if you see me on my phone I'm probably taking notes. I'm not average and I'm not particularly great at life...

But I'm doing the best I can. I'm continuing to do little things that scare me. I'm working hard, I'm loving my people, and I'm writing for my own peace instead of to please. 

I'm exploring, and the nice thing about exploring is it doesn't require me to know much. It doesn't mean I have to master anything or prove myself to anyone. It just means I have to be ready for what comes.

As Hagrid says, "What's comin' will come and we'll meet it when it does."

In the meantime, I'm just staying grateful for the moments that have gotten me this far. The sunsets, the quiet corners in coffee shops, the laughs I've shared with my family, the prom I almost didn't go to, all the books I've read, and all the other tiny little wins. 

What's next, world? I'm ready.