2020 Annual Wrap-Up: See You In 2021

 A few weeks ago I told one of my friends that it was almost time for me to start writing my 2020 wrap-up post, (like I do every year) and her response couldn't have been more... real. 

"How are you even going to do that for a year like this?" 

I had to think about that for a while.

To be honest, I think I've been ready to write this one from the beginning. The first few weeks of the year were the only ones that were normal, and there's been a lot of times this year when I've come here to write just to get away from all the weird, wild sh*t that's been going down since. 

A lot of 2020 consisted of unkind days. I had to make a lot of painfully difficult decisions. I walked away from a lot of people and a lot of positions - and a lot of the time it seemed like part of me was watching it happen and yelling back, "What are you doing? Why are you doing this? How could you? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS!?"

The other part of me learned that raising my voice in response was never helping, so I started shrugging my shoulders and saying, "This is just what I have to do. This is the best thing for me." 

This was the year I stopped apologizing for things I wasn't genuinely sorry for. This year might have been an absolute disaster as far as what it put me through, but I gained a hell of a lot of self-respect. I grew as a person in ways I never thought I'd have to. I set boundaries for myself that pissed a lot of people off, I watched myself have to lose them because of it, and I taught myself to stop feeling guilty for that. 

Like any other year, this one held highs and lows and everything in between. Sometimes it was somehow both at the same time as I stumbled my way through another sleepless night or double shift at work. Sometimes it was me making jokes from my bed in the Emergency Room. Sometimes it was me calling my mom crying so hard that she knew I needed her to come pick me up because I couldn't get words out and then spending the next day laughing about it together over a cold brew coffee. 

On New Years Eve of 2019, I expected nothing that 2020 has held. I was sitting in a different apartment hanging dress shirts up while the guy I thought I'd be marrying someday drank a beer and told me about his day. I was working three jobs and I loved them all. I didn't know what a broken rib felt like. I came home to the house that had seen me become an adult. The house I had brought my best friend home to so many times after it finally kicked in that we didn't live next door to one another anymore. The house I had posed in front of before homecoming dances and my senior prom. 

Familiarity took a huge hit in 2020. I think that's what's been toughest. When you're building a new life for yourself in the middle of a pandemic, absolutely nothing is comfortable or even close. Everything is scary. There are always questions. There's always part of me that thinks I'm screwing up - and part of me knows that it's possible. 

I've learned to not be afraid of failing anymore though. I've learned that in most cases, the worst case scenario is that I learn a lesson a hard way. I've learned to admit that I often know nothing, and I've learned to stop saying, "this is a stupid question" because the only thing that would be stupid is if I lacked that curiosity and the desire to be better.

"I think Christmas will be more of this," I told my grandma on the phone the other day as we agreed we wouldn't see each other on Thanksgiving. It was hard. It was hard saying it and it was hard living it. "I wish I could see the family and we could all be together," I told her, "But I'd rather protect you and that means we can't do that."

"We'll chat again soon," she told me. "We're healthy and that's what's important. We have to do what we can to keep it that way. I'm just happy to hear your voice."

I'm just happy to hear your voice. I'm just happy to hear your voice. I'm just happy to hear your voice. 

I think I'll start saying more of that to the people I love. 

I got off the phone after telling her I love her and I sat there, just breathing. Just being grateful for that. For her, for the familiarity of those phone calls, for the 20 minutes of that afternoon that felt like home in a way I don't have the words to write about. 

So how will I do it? How will I write my wrap-up of 2020? 

There's no way to do this year justice in a post or two or even 200. There's just been too much. Too much has happened, I've felt too many different ways about it, and everything has been different, and not being able to hug people is too hard, and writing about it would take far too long. This has been long enough already. I'll keep the rest of it short, because the minutes of your life are important to me and I want you to spend as many of them as you can living your own life and loving on your people. 

If there's ever been a year to break tradition, it's 2020. For my family, that meant replacing turkey and stuffing with breakfast for dinner on Thanksgiving Day. There's never been a time when "different" has felt or tasted better. 

Never ever be afraid to do things differently. Celebrate small things and celebrate them however the hell you want to because it's your life and you don't need an excuse to live it on your terms. If people walk out of your life, let them. Never chase. 

The people you need and the people who need you will stay. I promise. 

I've told you often about how 2020 was the year I got EXTRA selective about who I spend time with. After 6 months of FaceTime calls from 400 miles away, I was finally able to bring this guy home to meet my family and I've never been so ready to do anything in my life. They love him, like I knew they would, and I love him more than I knew I could. 

It still doesn't feel real, and it's the best. On an unrelated note, we make a badass team in Cranium. We lost, but y'all should've seen him guess the Crocs shoe I made out of clay with less than two seconds left on the timer. 

He impressed my mama with that one. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please hear me when I say the rest. 

Call your family when you can, even if it's for five minutes. 

Ask your questions. All of them. No matter what. There's no such thing as stupid questions or being too curious. 

Go outside of your comfort zone frequently so you aren't shocked when the world gives you no choice. 

Familiarity isn't always your friend. 

Messing up is human and it's MAD cool. Do more of it and do it without shame. 

Crying isn't weak. Remember that. 

Show up when and how you can. If it's six feet away with a mask on, cool. If it's through a Zoom call, cool. If it's just reminding someone that they aren't alone.... that's cool too. Little things like that make big differences in the world around you and in the hearts of the people you interact with. 

Coworkers deserve your respect and your effort. So does your significant other. So do your friends. So does your boss. So does the guy who delivers your mail and the people who deliver food to your front door. 

Social distancing doesn't mean we can't be good to each other. Actually, if we take one thing from this year... can we take what we've learned and use it to be better?

Can we let this be a lesson, that yeah we've had to learn the hard way but... at least we're learning it. And maybe with what we've learned.... 2021 will be better. 

I'll see you then. 

Thank you for another year of reading my work and being in my corner through the chaos and the change and the uncertainty. 

You deserve everything good and one way or another I hope that comes to you. 

xoxo