I Hope This Finds You Well

I really do. 

I know I haven't written in forever. I've meant to. My email inboxes AND my heart have been overflowing as I've been thrown into adulthood. There's been an inspiring, challenging, frustrating, overwhelming amount of change in almost every element of my life lately. 

I walked into my supervisor's office one afternoon at work to ask if I was qualified for a promotional position I knew nothing about. 

"With your abilities? I have no doubts," she told me. 

A week later I made a call to my mom from my desk to tell her I got it. 

And just like that, I had to start the learning and adaptation processes all over again. Jusssssssssssssst as I had started to get comfortable where I had started my first full-time job ever. 

It's still hard for me to believe that any of it is real. As a kid, I listened to the people around me complain about work. I grew up expecting to hate my job, and simultaneously determined NOT to. It worked, because I love what I get to do. I love getting to explore new parts of it. At 18 I left one of my college classes early to go see the courthouse for the first time. I knew when I walked in that I needed to be there. I've been lucky enough to get paid to work there ever since. Not just to work - but to learn and to build relationships, too. Grateful is an understatement. I've worked very hard to be worthy of those opportunities, but that doesn't stop me from realizing how lucky I am to have them become my reality. 

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A couple of weeks ago I walked through my childhood home for the last time before it hit the market, and that's a very weird feeling. It's very weird to have painted one of the walls of your bedroom a beautiful blush pink when you were 11, and to see it repainted with an off-white when you're 23 and finally getting curtains put up in a place of your own. 

That treehouse was the one thing that made me smile when I found out that moving would mean I wouldn't live next to my best friend anymore. But guess who came with me that last night? 

I love her. 

We spent that night laughing and swapping stories. Dinner and drinks with my parents was an unexpected bonus. I missed the curfew I give myself on weeknights, and it was so worth it. There's so much power in spending time with your people. 

I say it often, and I believe it always: family is everything. 

It isn't about blood. It isn't about history. 

It's about who you can laugh with on a Sunday when you have chores to do and you don't care because you'd rather be right there with them, really in those moments. 

It's about who supports you, but mostly it's about who you're happy around. 

For me, it's them. 

My boyfriend and I have made it a tradition to get donuts and coffee on Sunday mornings now and it's the best part of my week. We have a reward card for just about every place we go, and we sit in the corner and play cards. It's peace, and peace is powerful. 

AND SO IS MODERN MEDICINE.

Get vaccinated. I wanna hug y'all again. 

And I wanna wear lipstick in public, too. 

We aren't done yet, but we're getting there. 

Do your part. Protect yourself. Protect others.

"You could have grown cold, but you grew courageous instead. You could have given up but you kept on going. You could have seen obstacles but you called them adventures. You could have doubted yourself but you kept trusting your knowing. You could have called them weeds but instead you called them wildflowers. You could have died a caterpillar but you fought on to be a butterfly. You could have denied yourself goodness but instead you chose to show yourself some self-love. You could have defined yourself by the dark days but instead, through them, you realized your light."

-S.C. Lourie

I had been wanting this tattoo for almost two years before finally gifting it to myself at the start of 2021. It means a lot to me. A lot has been going on in my personal world and a lot of it is why I haven't written as much. My mental health has hit some very dangerous low points since the beginning of COVID. I know I'm not alone in that, but it's important to me that I'm honest about it. I graduated college in the midst of a pandemic, in the process of moving, and while my parents were divorcing. 

On Father's Day, while I drove (crying) to an empty parking lot just to be alone, I saw a butterfly.

Later that night I found that poem, and everything seemed to fit together. 

That poem resonated with me, and I needed to have it etched into my skin forever. I just knew - and every time I look at it I'm reminded of my strength. 

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Some days are hard. 

Some days I feel like the emails won't stop and like I can't ever keep up or get comfortable.

But other days, and some nights after the hard days, I get moments with people who mean the world to me and I get to do things that bring me peace. 

Some days I get to spend getting free rides on the carousel and taking photos of flowers that are the same pink-ish color of my old bedroom wall and things all feel okay again. 

An empty inbox isn't the goal anyway. A full heart is. 

Remember that, and again, I hope this finds you well. 

xox