Lead With Love, Lose With Grace, Live With Purpose

 I don't think it's possible to describe how emotional, and insane, and chaotic the past few weeks (and even months?) have been. I've made a lot of choked-up phone calls. I've burned through dozens of notebooks worth of journaling. I've been hard on myself. Harder than I should ever be - but I've also been chasing the light in my own little world like it's everything. Maybe because it is. Maybe because it's the littlest things that have been keeping me alive lately. 

I don't know how long you've read my work or if you ever have, but you have to know one thing about me regardless. I'm weird. I'll make you pull over if we're out and the skyline is pretty. And you'll laugh. You'll think it's ridiculous, and I know that but it won't stop me. It's one of those little signals from the universe that matters to me and I'll do my best to soak it up every single time as if I've never seen the sun go down before.

A few weeks ago, my boyfriend and I were at the liquor store when a man dropped a couple cans of beer. My boyfriend picked them up for him before helping me pick out a bottle of tequila, and when we got in line the guy he had helped fist bumped him and said, "Hey thanks, I'm a little drunk, just got done beating up my kids," and his knuckles were bruised so we knew he wasn't lying. That moment stuck with me a lot longer than it stuck with him. 

I couldn't let it go. I have a hard time letting go in general. My heart goes all in or it's not there at all. That's just how it's always been. I'm not sure how to half-care and that's a great thing but daaaaaaaammmmmmn it can be painful. And I haven't known where to go with that for a long time now, so I'm finally coming here. 

Because I've talked to myself a lot lately, and I've listened to myself too, and I've paid a little more attention to the world around me for the last few weeks and I've learned a lot. A lot of those lessons have hurt and a lot of them have helped. Being alive is weird. Like I told my friend the other day, being a human is hard. But humanity? That's the easy stuff. We can be there for each other. We can support each other. We can help each other. 

Should we focus on ourselves? Making ourselves happy? Yes. But can we listen to others? Also yes. As far as religion, I don't know what I believe in. But if there is a God, and he's able to listen to everyone, we can listen to the people in the corners of our small little worlds and we can do whatever we can to make sure they feel loved. 

My best friend and I went to dinner a few weeks ago like we do every so often, and got the exact same fortune. Another little sign from the universe. We order the exact same thing, every time, so one of us orders for us both and we know we always need drip coffees. Two number 49's, no vegetables, extra eggrolls, two drip coffees and everything is good. We're both full vaxxed now and little by little, life is returning to normal. Good things are on their way. Good things are also right in front of us.

Like late night margaritas and mojitos and drinks we've never heard of before but have to try.

And long walks on the river, getting lost and just talking about anything until we find our way back.

And quiet nights full of cuddles with my sweet kitten child, and that little thing she does where she reaches out to make sure I'm still there. 

Like driving home after about a billion hours worth of work and a two hour drive in and out of different cities only to see that the storm that lasted four days is almost over and the sun is showing itself for the first time in forever. 

Like when I came home from working overtime for the third time in a week, and I turned this little guy around and saw that for the first time in the year that it's been since I bought him, he was growing a tiny little flower. Again, a sign. This time the universe saying, "It might take a year but prettier days will come," and I'd be lying if I said I didn't just sit there and think about that for a while even though I had a million other things to do. 

Hi. I hope you're doing okay. And if not, I know it will get better. 

The light will find you, or you'll find it, or you'll find each other.

If it doesn't, or you think it never will, call me. 

I can't promise I'll make it okay, but I can promise I'll listen to you for however long you need to talk. 

I can promise to make you laugh. 

I can promise that for that little bit of time, you won't have to feel alone. 

Because you know what?

We're all just trying. 

We're all going through some rough sh*t. 

We're all keeping some things hidden from the social media world and even the people closest to us. 

My own mental health has been deteriorating lately - that's why I'm writing this.

So trust me, I know how hard it can get. 

Don't let your circumstances change who you are.

Don't let hard days harden who you are as a person. 

Don't listen to the people who don't understand it. You can't teach empathy. You can't make them care. 

Oh, and you shouldn't have to. 

You deserve to live with lightness, and to love completely, and to be loved with the exact same energy.

Keep an eye out for good sunsets. 

Drink a couple too many.

Get dinner with your friends. 

Wash your sheets, make your bed, and when your head hits the pillow if you don't know peace, 

you know where to find me.

I hope you don't have to, but I'm here if you need someone to be there while you break. 

I'm also here for you when you feel whole. 

but whatever you do:

lead with love, lose with grace, live with purpose. 

We've got this.