Evolve or remain.

"Promise me one thing," he said. "If you write about me, don't write anything bad. You can write about the good stuff though." "I can't make that promise," I told him. "I write about my life. All of it." And from the sound of that silence, I could've sworn I'd gone deaf the minute those last couple words fell from my tongue. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Interesting way to start the post, I know- but I wanted to start with the most significant part of this story and then explain why those few words taught me so much. Last summer, I started going out with a boy who seemed almost a little too  like me. If you know me very well at all, you know how unlikely that is. You know that one of us is probably going to win the lottery before I find someone who's just enough like me but different enough at the same time. A year ago, even I didn't know that. A year ago, when I met th...

For most people, a safe space means somewhere with walls and doors and a bed to sleep in. For me, a safe space is anywhere I can manage to be alone with some paper and a pencil. Or, in this case, a laptop with internet access so I can share my world with you. And generally, this safe space of mine is where I come to tell you stories. I love telling you about the things that happen to me throughout my life and I love the processing of becoming more "me" by sharing those things with you and listening to your responses. I love that as I've grown up, you've been here- reading and following along, coaching me through the most difficult days and helping me celebrate some of the best.  It's been seven years. I've been blogging since the first week of my freshman year of high school, and I'd be lying if I said I don't feel old just thinking about how much I've shared with you since.  I've told you about my first dates, the first time I ever...

I know, and I'm sorry. I know it's been forever since I've written. Things have been crazy in my little fraction of the world for the last couple of months- and if we're being completely honest, I haven't had the heart or the energy to write any of it out.  Maybe I've been too busy capturing sunsets. Who really knows? But anyway... The process of finding the right moment to really put my entire soul into words on here is fascinating, because sometimes it happens when I'm happier than usual. Other times, it's when I feel completely beaten down.  Right now is one of those times when it's a combination of the two. In the grand scheme of things I think it's safe to say I'm happier than I've been in a long time. But regarding this specific moment in time, the present, this very minute as I type this all out... I'm not happy at all. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I haven't be...

I was 16 years old, it was summer, and one of my friends and I were sitting across from one another at a table in a frozen yogurt shop. It was beautiful out. And most of you, if you're reading this, are probably thinking that this is going to be a happy story- so I'm sorry to have to tell you that you're wrong. This isn't a cute story about a girl and her friend enjoying frozen yogurt in the sweltering heat of a Kansas summer. This isn't a story about being 16 and being blissfully careless. And to be quite honest, it isn't even anywhere close.  After getting our dessert and finally finding a small table for ourselves, we sat down and I started to tell her about the things in my life that had happened since the last time we'd talked. Not big things by any means, or anything that was particularly significant, but I figured she'd still want to hear about them. Remember how you were wrong earlier in this post? This is where I catch up to you, because...

i hope you know that i want nothing but good things for you. i hope you love yourself and i hope people build you up. i hope you're able to feel at peace. i hope your bad days don't last very long. i hope your time is spent laughing. i hope that you never have to feel like the ground is crumbling right beneath your feet. i hope that whoever you make a scratchy-throated and teary-eyed phone call to at 3 a.m. on a wednesday when your heart aches picks up before you change your mind. i hope you always are able to get a good parking spot. i hope nobody ever makes you feel guilty for not shutting up about things that make your eyes shine when you talk about them. i hope you never question your worth. i hope there are backroads you can drive without having to think about where you're going so you can jam to your favorite songs and still know when to turn. i hope that someone stands at the stove making ramen for you when you're drunk on their couch. i hope you can remember t...

I've been in an unusual sort of "writing slump" for the past few weeks/months, and if you know me at all you know how frustrating that is for me. Writing offers me an alternate universe to turn to when the real one gets to be too much- and when I lose the ability to express my thoughts and feelings in words, my entire essence becomes very frustrated, very disappointed, very uncertain and even very angry. My behavior changes entirely when I get to a place where I feel stuck in my writing, and to most people I'm in contact with that's a very confusing thing. It's been a cause of tension in both platonic and romantic relationships throughout my most recent years, and it's for that reason that I feel like I should at least try to explain it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ For most of my life, writing has been the only thing I've ever really been even semi good at. I've dipped my toes in a lot of differen...

"What'd you get for your birthday?" That's the question everybody asks.  That's the question I've gotten a lot of this past week, given that I turned 20 last Wednesday- starting decade dos of being wild-hearted, free-spirited, curious, and obsessed with the human experience.  What'd I get for my birthday?  Lucky.  Lucky to be alive. Lucky to be loved and able to love the people around me. Lucky to be able to look back on 19 years while starting the twentieth with the happiest heart.  I remember being overly enthusiastic about my own birthdays as a little girl. Starting in Octobers, I used to spend hours designing party invitations and obsessing over who to invite. Now my birthdays sneak up on me, and I'd be lying if I said people didn't have to remind me about this one.  I think the world puts its watch on fast forward once you start college and become a real adult. I'm still adjusting to that.  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...