Maybe Strength Is Contagious

For most people, a safe space means somewhere with walls and doors and a bed to sleep in. For me, a safe space is anywhere I can manage to be alone with some paper and a pencil. Or, in this case, a laptop with internet access so I can share my world with you.

And generally, this safe space of mine is where I come to tell you stories. I love telling you about the things that happen to me throughout my life and I love the processing of becoming more "me" by sharing those things with you and listening to your responses. I love that as I've grown up, you've been here- reading and following along, coaching me through the most difficult days and helping me celebrate some of the best. 

It's been seven years. I've been blogging since the first week of my freshman year of high school, and I'd be lying if I said I don't feel old just thinking about how much I've shared with you since. 

I've told you about my first dates, the first time I ever participated in politics, both proms, my graduation, starting college, getting into (and out of) a sorority, starting new jobs, my breakups, my self-love journey, getting my first car, traveling, new friendships, fights, dramas, the night I got shot, the process of writing a book...everything. You name it, I've probably blogged about it. 

Which is great, but recently I've found myself at a loss as to what to share with you. Not because nothing has been happening, because more has happened in the last few months than the past year or so combined- but because I've felt like I've lost my ability to tell you stories in a cohesive way. I've written fragments of stories down on paper, hoping to add to each of them over time and then combine them so that maybe, once there are enough, I can tell you a story for a purpose. A story that will actually mean something to you. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But I've spent far too many hours drafting, editing, redrafting, and then scrapping those pages. I've been agonizing over what to write. It's started to feel more like work than an escape, and I've always been afraid of that. 

So I'm ending it. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm not going to tell you a story this time. I'm just going to tell you about things because I can. Because it's been too long. Because the candle beside me has almost run out and because I really just... something keeps telling me to write.

Two weeks ago I accepted my first real big girl job. I've been working on and off for years, putting in hours and depositing checks often enough to make sure my insurance was always paid on time- but this is different. Until now, even at work I've been living in the shadows of my mama. We've shared an office building since I graduated high school, and when I started working at the paper she was there to show me the ropes.

Now I'm in the Deputy District Attorney's office on my own. I'm known by my own name now, not as "Suzanne's daughter." And it's weird, but so, SO nice.. until I'm having trouble with the printer again and she isn't there to help. It reminds me of the way I learned to ride a bike. For so long she was right there by my side making sure I didn't lose my balance, and then one day she wasn't and I was still just fine.

In other news, I'm happier at work now than I am at home. My least favorite part of each day is clocking out, and to finally get to put my passion towards my paycheck is absolutely incredible.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As far as my love life is concerned, I'm single. I have mixed feelings about that part. Most of the time, anywhere I go there are happy couples all around. I go to the mall and there are boyfriends helping girlfriends pick out panties at Victoria's Secret. I go to the movie theater and it seems like everyone there is on a date. I go to coffee shops and get a table for one while everyone else is sitting across from the one they love.

I'd be lying to you again if I told you that these things never upset me, but I'm far more okay with it now than I used to be.

Being single sometimes sucks, but then I remind myself that this is my life and finally, I'm living it on my own terms. I'm picking out my own panties at Victoria's Secret- ones that make ME happy, not whichever ones some boy thinks are sexiest. I took myself to see Incredibles 2 in 3D the weekend it opened and I didn't have to worry about where my boyfriend wanted to sit, what time he wanted to see it or what size popcorn we were going to share. I went to my favorite local coffee shop the Sunday after, got a table for one as usual, and drafted poetry quietly as I observed the ways everyone around me was interacting with one another. 

I didn't have to listen to someone else's drama, I didn't have to make small talk, and I didn't have anyone to please. As alone as I was that day and as alone as I've often been, I've never felt lonely.

There's always a storm going on in my head, and sometimes that's more than enough company.

But I want you to know something. I want you to hear me and I need you to listen to what I'm telling you because it's the truest thing I'll probably ever say to you.

THIS SOCIETY PUTS SO MUCH EMPHASIS ON THE IDEA THAT WE NEED TO BE LOVED BY SOMEONE ELSE TO BE HAPPY WITH OUR LIVES, AND THE SOONER YOU REALIZE HOW FUCKED UP THAT IS, THE HAPPIER YOU WILL BE. 

This society acts as though being alone for whatever reason makes us weak or not good enough, and I need you to understand that that's complete bullshit. 

The truth is, a guy saw my Snapchat story the night I posted about going to see Incredibles 2 by myself and he asked if he could take me to see it instead. It would have been so easy to say yes, but something told me I'd have more fun that night if I did it alone. I was right. That was the first time I've ever taken myself on a date and I mean every word when I say it was one of the best dates I've ever been on. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again now.

There is so much strength in solitude. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is strength in self-love. Always. 

There is strength in doing things that make you happy.

There is strength in strolling through the city on hot summer nights and admiring where you are in that moment. 

Wichita, you are beautiful. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And here's to friends who invite you over to play with a litter of 5 puppies. Y'all can double-fist your drinks and wake up not remembering what happened. I'll stick with these babes. ;)

Image credit: Suzanne Tobias

Puppy credit: Heidi Marcinik

Starting to focus more on loving myself at all hours of every day is something I'm pretty proud of myself for lately. Especially as a girl, I think that's a very difficult thing to do. So much of me wants to cover up every imperfection, yet just as much of me wants to be as raw and as real as possible. It's so easy seeing other girls on social media and wishing I could have their bodies or live their life- but it's humbling to remember that nobody else will ever be lucky enough to live my life or to be loved by the people I'm loved by.

I mean really, how many 20 year olds get to LOVE what they do? Whether it's a Monday morning in a courtroom or a Sunday afternoon laying out by the pool, I've got a lot of love to give away and a great support system through it all. 

Couldn't ask for more. 

Oh, and I've had the same best friend by my side through two decades of life. 20 years. The same friend since birth. 

I know exactly zero other people who are lucky enough to know how amazing that is, and I'm grateful to have the best reason to have tattooed someone's birthday on my arm forever. 

Elleana, I love you. Thank you for sticking with me through the chaos and the crying and everything that life has offered to us over the last twenty years. I've been here for you since 4-14-98, and I will be here for you until the very end. I solemnly swear. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Because I haven't told you a cohesive story and because there's no particular moral that I want you to take from this, I'm unsure of how the ending should happen. 

So I'll leave you with a random few pieces of advice and some things to keep in mind. 

1. Never be afraid to be alone.
2. Love and support people every chance you get.
3. Don't compare your life to the lives of others.
4. You will never know half of what some people are going through, so be careful with your words and be mindful of the power words have. 
5. Get the tattoo if you want it. 
6. Work your ass off. 
7. Long walks are physically and emotionally beneficial. 
8. Buy the underwear that makes you feel good.
9. Listen more carefully.
10. Look around more often.
11. Try to enjoy your life. 

thank you for reading

i am proud of you

you are strong

you are so damn strong

you have made me strong too

maybe strength is contagious

xox