I was 16 years old, it was summer, and one of my friends and I were sitting across from one another at a table in a frozen yogurt shop. It was beautiful out. And most of you, if you're reading this, are probably thinking that this is going to be a happy story- so I'm sorry to have to tell you that you're wrong.
This isn't a cute story about a girl and her friend enjoying frozen yogurt in the sweltering heat of a Kansas summer. This isn't a story about being 16 and being blissfully careless. And to be quite honest, it isn't even anywhere close.
After getting our dessert and finally finding a small table for ourselves, we sat down and I started to tell her about the things in my life that had happened since the last time we'd talked. Not big things by any means, or anything that was particularly significant, but I figured she'd still want to hear about them. Remember how you were wrong earlier in this post? This is where I catch up to you, because this is about when I realized that everything I had been thinking was wildly wrong too.
I wasn't more than two or three sentences into a story about my latest high school drama when my friend pulled her phone out and began typing, which I took as my cue to pause my story.
"Go ahead," she told me. "I'm listening."
And I was dumb enough to believe her, so I continued on. Five minutes in, her hand still clutched her phone and her head was still tilted down at it.
"I can wait," I told her. "If I'm interrupting something."
"No," she told me. "Keep going!"
But she said it with a very transparent and very false enthusiasm. One that told me she hadn't listened to a word I'd been saying.
"What did I just say?" I asked her. Not intending to sound bitchy, but also no longer caring whether I did or not.
"I don't remember," she said, laughing it off, seemingly making a joke of it. "Help me come up with a caption for my pic."
I then came to find out that for the entirety of the time I had been talking, she had been editing a photo of herself.
"No," I said. "I came here to talk with you and spend time with you. Not write captions for your social media posts."
Immediately after I had said those exact words, she and I sat in one of the longest (and probably most awkward) silences I've ever experienced.
It was during that silence that I pieced this blog post together, little by little in my head.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After what felt like forever, she broke the silence with exactly what I was afraid she'd say.
"But we are spending time together," she told me. "You helping me write a caption for my picture is something we will have done together, yeah?"
"Yes," I responded. "You're right. But I didn't pick out an outfit, do my makeup, drive here, and pay $6 to help you write a caption. I did that because I wanted to actually talk to you."
"We're talking right now, aren't we?" she asked me. "I don't get why you're so upset."
"I'm upset," I fired back, trying not to break into angry tears, "because when I was talking to you, you were more interested in your phone. You weren't paying any attention to me. You don't have a clue about anything I said the entire time because you weren't listening."
She then told me to stop being so rude, and that was the last time we talked. Not so much as a single word since.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've been very bitter and very angry about this story since I lived it, which is the reason I'd like to think is why I've been struggling for almost four years trying to figure out how to tell it.
But throughout the time I've been drafting this post, I've been in at least a couple hundred very similar situations... so it's gotten infinitely harder rather than easier.
A few weeks after my seventeenth birthday, my boyfriend took me out to dinner.
As our waiter showed us to an open booth, my boyfriend took a seat on the closest side. "I have to sit here," he told me, prompting me to ask why. "The game is on," he told me, nodding up at the TV just barely over and a little bit behind my head.
If you're thinking right about now that this is me telling you about how this boy was more interested in that game than he was in me that night, you'd be right this time.
All through dinner, everything I said was responded to with one or two words as his eyes looked back up at the screen.
"I'm right here," I told him. Again, not meaning to sound bitchy, but also (again) not caring whether I did or not.
"Stop it baby girl" he told me. "I'm talking to you right now."
"Yes," I told him. "Commercials are on. I'm not dumb. You're paying attention to me when commercials come on."
"Would you rather me not talk to you at all?" he asked me. "I'm talking to you right now so stop complaining."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now I've given you two examples of things I've experienced, and I hope they've both made your blood boil. I hope you're as angry reading about them as I was when they were actually happening. But I need it to be understood that I don't hope you're angry because I want you to be angry. I hope you're angry because these things should not happen to anyone, ever- and when enough people are angry about something, change can begin.
But let me explain why things like this shouldn't happen. Let me explain why things need to change.
If you weren't very upset earlier, when I was telling those stories, you're probably someone who wouldn't think much of it if those things happened to you. Which is fine, but you're settling. And you're not spending time, you're wasting it.
Believe me. I wish I would have said that to my now ex-friend. I wish that when she had told me we were spending time together despite her not listening to anything I said, I would've been smart enough to tell her we were wasting it.
Or at least that I was wasting my time... because to tell you the truth, my time would have been better spent literally yelling at my bedroom wall. Walls can't listen, but they can't antagonize you for valuing human connection, either- and I at least wouldn't have walked away with fury/disappointment coursing through my veins.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Since these experiences and through ones that have followed, I've made every effort to get smarter. I've made EVERY effort to spend my time, not waste it. And not just spend, but spend wisely.
I avoid restaurants with TV's in them all together. I don't talk on the phone with people who are preoccupied. I refuse to hang out with anyone who seems more interested in whatever is on a screen than in conversation or making memories.
Because I am a person who demands to matter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've gotten backlash about it from anyone and everyone who settles.
"You care too much"
"Other girls stay on the phone with their boyfriends when they game!"
"Sorry babe this is a good game.."
"You're too clingy"
"Don't get so upset over this"
"I can multitask while we talk"
"It's not that big a deal"
But I demand to matter. I know what my time is worth, I know what my life is worth, and I know my own worth. I know I deserve better love and better friendships than what these kinds of people have shown me.
I know that I'll be more important than a game or a screen to the right people. I will continue to demand to matter and to do away with anyone who chooses to disrespect that.
I then came to find out that for the entirety of the time I had been talking, she had been editing a photo of herself.
"No," I said. "I came here to talk with you and spend time with you. Not write captions for your social media posts."
Immediately after I had said those exact words, she and I sat in one of the longest (and probably most awkward) silences I've ever experienced.
It was during that silence that I pieced this blog post together, little by little in my head.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After what felt like forever, she broke the silence with exactly what I was afraid she'd say.
"But we are spending time together," she told me. "You helping me write a caption for my picture is something we will have done together, yeah?"
"Yes," I responded. "You're right. But I didn't pick out an outfit, do my makeup, drive here, and pay $6 to help you write a caption. I did that because I wanted to actually talk to you."
"We're talking right now, aren't we?" she asked me. "I don't get why you're so upset."
"I'm upset," I fired back, trying not to break into angry tears, "because when I was talking to you, you were more interested in your phone. You weren't paying any attention to me. You don't have a clue about anything I said the entire time because you weren't listening."
She then told me to stop being so rude, and that was the last time we talked. Not so much as a single word since.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've been very bitter and very angry about this story since I lived it, which is the reason I'd like to think is why I've been struggling for almost four years trying to figure out how to tell it.
But throughout the time I've been drafting this post, I've been in at least a couple hundred very similar situations... so it's gotten infinitely harder rather than easier.
A few weeks after my seventeenth birthday, my boyfriend took me out to dinner.
As our waiter showed us to an open booth, my boyfriend took a seat on the closest side. "I have to sit here," he told me, prompting me to ask why. "The game is on," he told me, nodding up at the TV just barely over and a little bit behind my head.
If you're thinking right about now that this is me telling you about how this boy was more interested in that game than he was in me that night, you'd be right this time.
All through dinner, everything I said was responded to with one or two words as his eyes looked back up at the screen.
"I'm right here," I told him. Again, not meaning to sound bitchy, but also (again) not caring whether I did or not.
"Stop it baby girl" he told me. "I'm talking to you right now."
"Yes," I told him. "Commercials are on. I'm not dumb. You're paying attention to me when commercials come on."
"Would you rather me not talk to you at all?" he asked me. "I'm talking to you right now so stop complaining."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now I've given you two examples of things I've experienced, and I hope they've both made your blood boil. I hope you're as angry reading about them as I was when they were actually happening. But I need it to be understood that I don't hope you're angry because I want you to be angry. I hope you're angry because these things should not happen to anyone, ever- and when enough people are angry about something, change can begin.
But let me explain why things like this shouldn't happen. Let me explain why things need to change.
If you weren't very upset earlier, when I was telling those stories, you're probably someone who wouldn't think much of it if those things happened to you. Which is fine, but you're settling. And you're not spending time, you're wasting it.
Believe me. I wish I would have said that to my now ex-friend. I wish that when she had told me we were spending time together despite her not listening to anything I said, I would've been smart enough to tell her we were wasting it.
Or at least that I was wasting my time... because to tell you the truth, my time would have been better spent literally yelling at my bedroom wall. Walls can't listen, but they can't antagonize you for valuing human connection, either- and I at least wouldn't have walked away with fury/disappointment coursing through my veins.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Since these experiences and through ones that have followed, I've made every effort to get smarter. I've made EVERY effort to spend my time, not waste it. And not just spend, but spend wisely.
I avoid restaurants with TV's in them all together. I don't talk on the phone with people who are preoccupied. I refuse to hang out with anyone who seems more interested in whatever is on a screen than in conversation or making memories.
Because I am a person who demands to matter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've gotten backlash about it from anyone and everyone who settles.
"You care too much"
"Other girls stay on the phone with their boyfriends when they game!"
"Sorry babe this is a good game.."
"You're too clingy"
"Don't get so upset over this"
"I can multitask while we talk"
"It's not that big a deal"
But I demand to matter. I know what my time is worth, I know what my life is worth, and I know my own worth. I know I deserve better love and better friendships than what these kinds of people have shown me.
I know that I'll be more important than a game or a screen to the right people. I will continue to demand to matter and to do away with anyone who chooses to disrespect that.
and like roses
i will grow.
many will think i am pretty.
the ignorant will stick themselves with my thorns.
i will lose petals,
i will come back fuller.
my color will be lost to those who don't appreciate steadfast thriving
in gardens i may well be overlooked
on my own i will stand out
my point is that flowers grow whether or not you value them
flowers know what they're capable of
flowers may know more about life than i ever will
but i know that i deserve to matter to the people i make the time for
and i hope you have come to the same realization
in or before this moment
you matter. demand to be treated as such.
Comments
Post a Comment