Evolve or remain.

About a month ago, I was sitting in my pajamas on the couch in my parents' new house. I was shaking. Bawling. We were on the phone with a mental health crisis line.  I can't describe what was going on in my head. When we got off the phone with the counselor, I asked my mom to grab one of her scrapbooks that she put together when I was little. Those books are one of the things I'm most grateful for. I remember trips to Scrapbook Garden with her so she could buy supplies, and I remember the flowerpot at the checkout counter full of lollipops. Back then, the lollipops were more important to me than the reason we were there. At 24, I understand why she worked so hard on those books. I understand why she was picky about the cardstock and about the packs of stickers she would buy. She was so good at the creative, artistic process. And I'm glad she did it.  That night, as I was working through some very difficult emotions, turning those pages helped me to feel like I was going...

It's Friday night. I'm sipping a glass of whiskey. Very slowly, while I write. We opened the windows in our living room, and we can hear the rain and see the streetlights. I've just written notes to the most important people to me and put stamps on them, so they have something to smile at when they go to collect their mail. My boyfriend held my hand in the waiting room of the Cancer Center while I waited for doctors to run tests. (They were negative, thank God). I just approved my timecard for another two weeks of work at a job I love. I was able to pay rent. Sugar cookies came out of the oven not too long ago. I ordered Boy Scout popcorn from a coworker. Matthew Perry's book came for me in the mail and I finished it in two days. I couldn't put it down.  I grabbed a coffee this morning and they made it extra strong - perfect for a rainy, dark, end-of-the-week pick-me-up and the barista put a stopper in it so I wouldn't spill any on the way to my office. My boyfr...

I always say the same thing. I'm going to try to write more regularly. I'm going to do a better job of updating you on my life. I'm going to worry less, live more, be better, write more transparently, share more of what's in my mind, etc. But if I'm being real, I can't do that anymore. At least... not right now.  I've been going through some shit. Some serious shit. I'm admitting that things I experienced were traumatic to me when for forever, I'd shrugged them off.  Medically, since May I haven't been okay. I've been in doctors' offices every week or couple weeks, having surgeries, getting no answers, continuing to get blood draws, going back in for follow-ups and still hearing doctors tell me, "We still don't know what's happening." I'm pretty calm about most things, but when I have zero idea about what's happening in my own body that's making me sick and causing me pain... my brain goes to worst case scena...

 I really wanted to come back to the blog when I was in a better place, mentally. I hate coming here with content that isn't inspirational or at least positive. But it's also not fair to myself to only publish when things are good. That's not authentic. That's not who I am as a writer. And this is the one place I promised myself I'd always, always, always be my most genuine.  This is where I've always come when nobody listened, and even when people were willing to and I didn't want to be so vulnerable. I've come here in my best moments, and my worst, and all the wild things that have happened in the middle. We'll see what happens, and I guess we will see it together.  This is the one place I can say what I think and not be told that I shouldn't think that, or that I shouldn't be upset, or that these are my 20's and supposed to be the best years of my life so I shouldn't care so much.  But I'm tired.  I graduated college from my be...

"Hello!! We have things!!"  These were the first words my mom spoke to the extended family we hadn't seen in half a decade when we stepped through the front door of the Air B&B this past summer holding a case of local beer and a bag of board games.  "So do we!!" My aunt said, smiling ear to ear and so enthusiastically that I swear everything stopped in that moment - in the best way. It was one of the simplest, silliest exchanges I'd ever heard and I loved it so much that I've thought about it every day since. I think there are a lot of great feelings in this world, but seeing family after far too long will forever be my favorite.  The living room was packed. We were shoulder to shoulder almost, reaching between each other to grab appetizers and between our turns taking part in multiple conversations. It was loud. It was SO. LOUD. And I'm not someone who enjoys tons of noise, but that is the best sound. Laughing, meeting new members of the family...

 I don't think it's possible to describe how emotional, and insane, and chaotic the past few weeks (and even months?) have been. I've made a lot of choked-up phone calls. I've burned through dozens of notebooks worth of journaling. I've been hard on myself. Harder than I should ever be - but I've also been chasing the light in my own little world like it's everything. Maybe because it is. Maybe because it's the littlest things that have been keeping me alive lately.  I don't know how long you've read my work or if you ever have, but you have to know one thing about me regardless. I'm weird. I'll make you pull over if we're out and the skyline is pretty. And you'll laugh. You'll think it's ridiculous, and I know that but it won't stop me. It's one of those little signals from the universe that matters to me and I'll do my best to soak it up every single time as if I've never seen the sun go down before. A fe...

I really do.  I know I haven't written in forever. I've meant to. My email inboxes AND my heart have been overflowing as I've been thrown into adulthood. There's been an inspiring, challenging, frustrating, overwhelming amount of change in almost every element of my life lately.  I walked into my supervisor's office one afternoon at work to ask if I was qualified for a promotional position I knew nothing about.  "With your abilities? I have no doubts," she told me.  A week later I made a call to my mom from my desk to tell her I got it.  And just like that, I had to start the learning and adaptation processes all over again. Jusssssssssssssst as I had started to get comfortable where I had started my first full-time job ever.  It's still hard for me to believe that any of it is real. As a kid, I listened to the people around me complain about work. I grew up expecting to hate my job, and simultaneously determined NOT to. It worked, because I love what ...