Evolve or remain.

I always say the same thing. I'm going to try to write more regularly. I'm going to do a better job of updating you on my life. I'm going to worry less, live more, be better, write more transparently, share more of what's in my mind, etc. But if I'm being real, I can't do that anymore. At least... not right now.  I've been going through some shit. Some serious shit. I'm admitting that things I experienced were traumatic to me when for forever, I'd shrugged them off.  Medically, since May I haven't been okay. I've been in doctors' offices every week or couple weeks, having surgeries, getting no answers, continuing to get blood draws, going back in for follow-ups and still hearing doctors tell me, "We still don't know what's happening." I'm pretty calm about most things, but when I have zero idea about what's happening in my own body that's making me sick and causing me pain... my brain goes to worst case scena...

 I really wanted to come back to the blog when I was in a better place, mentally. I hate coming here with content that isn't inspirational or at least positive. But it's also not fair to myself to only publish when things are good. That's not authentic. That's not who I am as a writer. And this is the one place I promised myself I'd always, always, always be my most genuine.  This is where I've always come when nobody listened, and even when people were willing to and I didn't want to be so vulnerable. I've come here in my best moments, and my worst, and all the wild things that have happened in the middle. We'll see what happens, and I guess we will see it together.  This is the one place I can say what I think and not be told that I shouldn't think that, or that I shouldn't be upset, or that these are my 20's and supposed to be the best years of my life so I shouldn't care so much.  But I'm tired.  I graduated college from my be...

"Hello!! We have things!!"  These were the first words my mom spoke to the extended family we hadn't seen in half a decade when we stepped through the front door of the Air B&B this past summer holding a case of local beer and a bag of board games.  "So do we!!" My aunt said, smiling ear to ear and so enthusiastically that I swear everything stopped in that moment - in the best way. It was one of the simplest, silliest exchanges I'd ever heard and I loved it so much that I've thought about it every day since. I think there are a lot of great feelings in this world, but seeing family after far too long will forever be my favorite.  The living room was packed. We were shoulder to shoulder almost, reaching between each other to grab appetizers and between our turns taking part in multiple conversations. It was loud. It was SO. LOUD. And I'm not someone who enjoys tons of noise, but that is the best sound. Laughing, meeting new members of the family...

 I don't think it's possible to describe how emotional, and insane, and chaotic the past few weeks (and even months?) have been. I've made a lot of choked-up phone calls. I've burned through dozens of notebooks worth of journaling. I've been hard on myself. Harder than I should ever be - but I've also been chasing the light in my own little world like it's everything. Maybe because it is. Maybe because it's the littlest things that have been keeping me alive lately.  I don't know how long you've read my work or if you ever have, but you have to know one thing about me regardless. I'm weird. I'll make you pull over if we're out and the skyline is pretty. And you'll laugh. You'll think it's ridiculous, and I know that but it won't stop me. It's one of those little signals from the universe that matters to me and I'll do my best to soak it up every single time as if I've never seen the sun go down before. A fe...

I really do.  I know I haven't written in forever. I've meant to. My email inboxes AND my heart have been overflowing as I've been thrown into adulthood. There's been an inspiring, challenging, frustrating, overwhelming amount of change in almost every element of my life lately.  I walked into my supervisor's office one afternoon at work to ask if I was qualified for a promotional position I knew nothing about.  "With your abilities? I have no doubts," she told me.  A week later I made a call to my mom from my desk to tell her I got it.  And just like that, I had to start the learning and adaptation processes all over again. Jusssssssssssssst as I had started to get comfortable where I had started my first full-time job ever.  It's still hard for me to believe that any of it is real. As a kid, I listened to the people around me complain about work. I grew up expecting to hate my job, and simultaneously determined NOT to. It worked, because I love what ...

It has come to my attention that I'm surrounded by a lot of strong, powerful people who don't know how strong and powerful they are. If you're reading this now, that's you. I'm talking to you. I see a lot of positive sounding posts from people who have broken down crying when I've asked how they're doing. I've been supported lately, and always, by people who I *know* are struggling themselves and if you're one of those people, thank you. I've learned, through the recovery process and dealing with my own mental illness, that people tend to hold back the bad stuff. People don't proudly project their pain - they shove it down and cover it up. They pretend everything is okay, often suffering in silence, until they break. The self-destruction is very real and very dangerous.  Bad things happen to good people and the good people blame themselves for it. Loyal hearts get played. People cry themselves to sleep some nights and show up to work with a s...

 I'll start simply. I don't believe in doing things systematically. I don't think that really gets anyone anywhere, or at least... anywhere worth going.  I respect it. If it has worked for you, I'm very glad that it has. I just can't believe in it for me. I've never been someone who could sit, study, pass exams and learn everything everyone told me I needed to learn. That process angered me.  I cried my way through my college algebra class and almost failed Chemistry. Studying Spanish as my second language was frustrating and I stopped going to my Geology class all together. My biology lab pushed me to the limit of my patience, and all of that is barely the beginning of what taught me the only lesson that stuck.  It's so important to find something you're passionate enough about to not be so bothered by the seemingly pointless and stressful little stuff along the way. Passion matters. I'll say it again. Passion. Matters. More than you could ever thin...