Evolve or remain.

I'm not interested in your half-assed attempt at making small talk, nor am I the girl you'll ever see and think, "yeah, she's the one." I would not want to live my life any other way. Let me say that again- I would NOT want to live my life any other way. I've never wanted to be the girl who boys fall in love with at first sight because the ends of my hair curl perfectly at the tops of my shoulders or because I'm always sporting some trendy little t-shirt and skirt combo with wedged boots that let me see the world from just a couple inches higher than what my natural being has provided me. Growing up in a generation that takes things for what they are at face value is the scariest, most sickening, infuriating thing for someone like me. All because I've discovered I have one and only one genuine dream. To dive as deeply into the ocean of humanity as possible. To go beyond the surface of beautiful eyes and people who pretend everything is always g...

Every time someone lets me down, my standards get higher. And in all honesty, I used to think that was horrible. I used to feel guilty about expecting too much from people. I used to find myself apologizing to the people who hurt me, instead of vice versa as it should've been, because I felt like I was in the wrong. I felt like I was the one at fault when people fell short of meeting my expectations. For a while, I thought that I was being selfish by holding the bar just barely beyond anyone's reach. The moment that turned all of those thoughts around for me was during one of the most heated arguments I've ever had with a boy. I had realized, somewhere along the way, that he was not the person I needed. The dialogue below is the interaction we had the night we broke up. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Him: "Do you want to hangout today, between your classes?" Me: "I can't, I'm sorry. I have homework...

Don't. Yeah, you read that right. Just... don't. I know. I know you're in college. I know some things are happening faster than you'd like them to, while others seem to be taking far too long. I know you tend to think you aren't ready. And in some cases I'm sure you're not, but I also know you've got a strong heart in your chest and a good head on your shoulders.  I know those shoulders of yours think they're bearing the weight of the world- but they're not. Believe me, they are not. I know that you think the decisions you're making now will make or break your life. The big ones might, but with almost all of them there is room to mess up. There is room to run. There is time. This is when you are allowed to destroy what is toxic to you and fall in love with whatever or whoever you want. This is your world. Explore it. Don't let it ruin you. Allow yourself to get in too deep. It is okay to jump into things without testing the...

A few weeks ago, I fell absolutely head-over-heels in love with a boy. We're talking madly in love here, not a halfway thing or anything less. We're talking late nights at his place, conversations about everything, and falling asleep side by side with racing hearts and heavy, tired eyes. In the beginning, when everything was new and exciting, I warned him that there would be days when I'd have too much attitude for him to handle. I told him about what a mess I was, how prone I was to anxiety attacks, and how grumpy I can sometimes get. I wanted him to know that if he truly was going to love me as he said he would, there would be rough patches he'd have to stick with me through. I needed him to know that if he was going to buy a plane ticket into my life and to call my heart a home, he would have to take the turbulence that came along. He said he would. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A week or so later, in his...

When you think of the words, "pretty girl," my face won't be what comes to your mind. I'm not the one you'll pick out of a crowd, and I'm not the girl you'll fall in love with at first sight. I'm not the girl with blue eyes as deep as the ocean who will make you so weak at the knees that you feel like suddenly there's no such thing as gravity. A few weeks ago, my boyfriend dumped me and moved right along to another girl. Which, at the time, hurt more than most anything I'd ever experienced before. It hurt for a lot of reasons, but mostly because I'm someone who consistently struggles a great deal with things like self-esteem, confidence and self-respect. When boys come into the picture, girls tend to get pretty competitive with one another. For whatever reason, when boys are involved, girls feel like they have to be the prettiest. Sometimes it's because they want the attention, sometimes it's because they're jealous and what...

For the past couple of weeks, I've been in a constant state of emotional war with myself. I've been asked if I'm okay, and for the first time ever I really haven't had the slightest idea of how to answer. I've spent several sleepless nights making mental lists of questions that I need answers to- and also realizing that I'm not sure I want to know what the answers are. Some nights I've stayed up long enough to see the sun come up the next morning, and other times my head has hit the pillow by 8 p.m. just so I can be done with the day. There have been moments where I've thought that I was done being a disaster. Moments where I felt like I was finally in the clear, or back to my usual optimistic self. But those moments have continued to be followed almost immediately by even more severe panic attacks and spells of helplessness, depression, anxiety, anger, fear, and even a sense of unfeeling- or the complete absence of any/all emotion what-so-ever. I de...

I've got a one-track mind and the most determined heart you'll probably ever find. I'm dangerous when it comes to getting what I want. I stop at nothing. Anyone who stands in my way becomes an enemy, and anything inanimate gets knocked off its course before it has a chance to know where it wanted to go. Once my heart knows what its after, I'm unstoppable. I'm a wildfire.  But getting to that point- that's the hard part. Figuring out exactly what it is I want to pursue or open myself up to is where I struggle. Especially now that I'm in college, and a lot of the decisions I'm having to make will have impacts on me for the rest of my life.  I've never been good at sharing my thoughts with other people, and up until now I've made most of my decisions, (even the big ones) by myself.  That was the case until January 19 of this year. A car ride with my best friend changed the entire thing. It was a Thursday night, and we were making the ...