Life Under Construction: Human Jenga Tower

For the past couple of weeks, I've been in a constant state of emotional war with myself. I've been asked if I'm okay, and for the first time ever I really haven't had the slightest idea of how to answer. I've spent several sleepless nights making mental lists of questions that I need answers to- and also realizing that I'm not sure I want to know what the answers are. Some nights I've stayed up long enough to see the sun come up the next morning, and other times my head has hit the pillow by 8 p.m. just so I can be done with the day.

There have been moments where I've thought that I was done being a disaster. Moments where I felt like I was finally in the clear, or back to my usual optimistic self. But those moments have continued to be followed almost immediately by even more severe panic attacks and spells of helplessness, depression, anxiety, anger, fear, and even a sense of unfeeling- or the complete absence of any/all emotion what-so-ever.

I described to my mother the other night that I feel like the human equivalent to a Jenga tower, and I'll explain why here in a second- but please note a few very important things.

First, I will not include names in this post, (or in any from here on out, unless my subject wants to be named), for their own safety as well as mine. Second, I write about things that are important to me and that have weight in my life; a lot of that tends to be my emotions. It's important for you to know that in general, I struggle emotionally and the most efficient therapy for me is blogging. Please don't read this and think that this is me calling out for help. This is me helping myself. Third and finally, you as my reader are always welcome to reach out to me if you need advice or someone to talk to. As a Psychology major, helping people deal with emotion in a healthy way is one of my favorite things and I will always do everything I can to help you myself or lead you in the right direction.

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But back to the whole human Jenga tower thing. 

I tend to think in metaphors, and one of my favorites is that I've always thought of humans and their lives as towers. 

In Jenga, wood blocks have to be placed so that the tower stands tall before you can begin playing. Then, players take turns pulling pieces out of the tower and placing them back on top, with the goal being to make the tower stand as tall as possible instead of falling over. Which sounds easy enough, but it's harder than you think. 

In the beginning, it's fairly safe to take pieces out and remain at least relatively certain that the tower won't fall. A few pieces can be taken out and placed back on top without fear of the tower crashing, as long as the base is stable and stays put. 

But sooner or later, there's a lack of safety in strategy and the tower starts to tremble. Then all it takes is the slightest movement, or that one last piece being pulled out, to bring that tower crashing to the ground. 

But Jenga can be played more than once. The tower can always get built back up again. Remember that. 

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It's been in the last couple of weeks that I've truly come to understand how applicable the symbolism of Jenga is to humanity and to life. 

Each thing that happens to you is a block that you use to build yourself up, and the tower that you build is representational of everything that you are and the way that you live. Those blocks can get pulled out or placed back into your life- either one can cause you to tremble or be what allows you to triumph. 

But trembling doesn't necessarily mean you'll fall, and falling doesn't mean you can't get built back up again- but build your base wisely. Build with a hopeful heart and an open mind. Build with the understanding that sometimes crashing is inevitable. Build with the knowledge that you are here because you are worthy of standing tall. Build with resilience. Build, break, and begin again with all of your essence. 

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From a personal perspective, my tower is under heavy construction. There have been several blocks added, several that have been ripped out or broken, and I'm pretty certain my base is one lone block holding up everything that I am today. 

I fell in love. I allowed someone to be part of my base alongside me, and when he moved on to becoming a building block at the base of another girls' tower, he took away what he had made of mine. 

I had told him I loved him accidentally. The words slipped out late one night, and he said it back with a shaky voice and sparkles in his eyes that made me believe he had really meant it. 

"I feel guilty about it," I told him, shortly after. "I feel like it's too early for me to be saying that to you. But I do mean it." 

Silence.

"I know how I feel about you. I love you too. I don't care who else knows it," he told me. 

Until a week later, when everything fell apart. 

"I wanted to love you," he said. "I thought I knew how I felt about you. I guess I didn't."

My tower crashed, and I immediately began rebuilding from the ground up. 

One of his ex-girlfriends, and one of his best friends' girlfriends stood beside me as I pieced together a base on which I'd begin rebuilding from. 

They told me things like that they were sorry for the things he had done, and that they knew what it was like to be hurt. They told me I was better off without him, and strong enough to not need him in my life at all. They told me that feeling the way I was feeling was okay, and that it would get easier. I've never been luckier. 

Trembling isn't scary when you know you stand beside strength. 

Shortly after that, my phone completely quit working when I needed it the most. Contact with my friends was what was keeping me sane, and suddenly that block was ripped right out of my tower like it meant nothing. 

When I took it to be fixed, I handed it to the repair specialist with its case on. I had failed to realize that I'd forgotten to take the Polaroid of the boy mentioned earlier out of the case until that moment. As the guy handed me my case back, I looked at him and laughed. 

"Oh, thanks," I said, shaking my head, partly in shame and halfway laughing at the realization that everything in my life was suddenly hitting me as hard as relentlessly as possible. "I've been needing to take that out anyway."

He and my mom and I all laughed, and even though I was sort of sad-laughing at my own joke, it was nice to not feel alone or miserable for those few moments. 

The base of my tower was finally beginning to grow. 

But like I said, sometimes all it takes is that one block to bring you crashing down to the ground all over again, which happened to me the next afternoon when I heard that my friend and sister had been killed in a car accident. 

Nothing breaks you quite like that. 

As horrible and heartbreaking as that news was, and continues to be in each moment, it wasn't all bad. It brought my sisters closer. It resulted in people who didn't know me hugging me and asking if I was okay. It made me sit back and reflect on just how much I love the people around me, and how important it is to love people while you have the chance. 

Yesterday in class, because my professor knew that the girl who had died was my sister and my friend, she came up to me before beginning lecture. 

"If you need to leave, please know that you can," she told me. "Please, if you don't want to be here, you absolutely don't have to be."

She hugged me, and with shaking hands I (mentally) placed that block of support at the top of my tower. 

"Tremble and triumph," I whispered to myself. "Break, then build."

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I'm sorry that this was so long, and I commend you for making it this far if you're still reading. I want you to know that without weakness, strength would cease to exist. Without bad things, the good things wouldn't be so good. 

I''ll leave you with a quote from one of my favorite acoustic songwriters, Ellis Paul:

"When things are good, you think that things will always be good, and when things are bad you think that they'll be bad forever. The important thing to remember, folks, is that neither of those things are true."

Allow yourself to feel all the ways you can feel, experience all the things you can experience, and appreciate all of the ways life throws those blocks at you. 

Build your tower. 

Go ahead. 

There's nothing stopping you. 

Oh, and unrelated but important- driving into a sunset never hurts.