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Deep Breaths, Dark Coffees, and A Damn Good Friend

I've got a one-track mind and the most determined heart you'll probably ever find. I'm dangerous when it comes to getting what I want. I stop at nothing. Anyone who stands in my way becomes an enemy, and anything inanimate gets knocked off its course before it has a chance to know where it wanted to go.

Once my heart knows what its after, I'm unstoppable. I'm a wildfire. 

But getting to that point- that's the hard part. Figuring out exactly what it is I want to pursue or open myself up to is where I struggle. Especially now that I'm in college, and a lot of the decisions I'm having to make will have impacts on me for the rest of my life. 

I've never been good at sharing my thoughts with other people, and up until now I've made most of my decisions, (even the big ones) by myself. 

That was the case until January 19 of this year. A car ride with my best friend changed the entire thing. It was a Thursday night, and we were making the hour-long trip up to Salina to see her family before leaving for Washington D.C. the next morning- the only time I've ever made a spontaneous decision to skip the next day of classes just to adventure and live. 

She was driving, and for the entire ride we joked, laughed, vented, and just let our hair down about everything. Boys, school, our futures, our ambitions, our motives, our families, the things that made us angry, the playlists that we listen to, the coffees we drink, and our worst fears. Everything. There was nothing that either of us were afraid to say. More than anything, we stuck to a conversation about why ambition is important and how we had come to know that.

I told her all about my plans to break up with the boy I had been dating because of how he lacked motivation to better himself. She knew I was frustrated, and she talked me down enough to shut me up so she could tell me a story. 

I listened with all of me as she told me everything about how she had broken up with her boyfriend a while back so she could focus on herself and on what she wanted out of life. She had goals and ambition that was beyond his reach, and she loved it. I could hear it in her voice. As she told me her story, it was like my lungs filled with air again for the first time in forever as I realized she's the person I can come to now when it comes to making decisions. 

Both of us took a deep breath in as we turned onto the highway, and then she spoke one sentence I hope I never forget.

"God," she said as she took another deep breath. "I'm just... I'm on fire right now. And I need to never let that fire be put out."

In terms of being ambitious and chasing her dreams, she's not wrong. I've never seen a flame in anybody's heart and soul burn brighter than that. 

Flash forward two and a half months to today, and something similar happened again. After a morning of frustratingly slamming the snooze button one too many times and fighting panic attacks, she said one of my favorite things in the world.

"Hey Tobias, let's go."

I had no idea what she meant. At all. 

"Where are we going?" I asked, mostly hoping I hadn't completely forgotten about plans we had made while half-asleep just hours before. 

"We're getting coffee."

And we did. We took a spontaneous trip to a local coffee shop neither of us had ever been to, and talked for two hours nonstop. Breakups, drama, tough decisions. Everything. 

One of the decisions we had to make was one we shared, so we helped each other make it. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Find friends who will go out for coffee with you in the early hours of a cold Saturday morning, when neither of you are made up to look pretty and when neither of you are in a good place. Find friends who will tell you that at the end of the day, the only question you have to ask yourself and come up with an answer to is, "are you genuinely happy?"

If you're not, make a change. If you are, allow yourself that happiness. 

Either way, sip every drop of that coffee. Remind yourself that sometimes, all you need is someone to listen to you and a little bit of room to breathe. 




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