Almost 25: A Look Back on Year 24

I usually try to do a blog around my birthday each year. It helps me reflect on everything that happened in the last 365 days. But this year... I'm not sure I can sum it all up in one post. Or several, even. This year has been insane. In good ways and bad. To say that this year tested me is putting it lightly. I've struggled a lot more than I have in the past, but I've also achieved a lot and celebrated the tiniest wins. My mental health took a major hit this year. I had bottled a lot up, and it came back to bite me. 

I was admitted to the ER 3 separate times in 6 months. On May 20 I puked blood, and I've been seeing doctors ever since. 4 procedures, 14 bands, 20+ IV's, 15 prescriptions, 32 blood draws, and about $6,000 later... I got a dual diagnosis. It's chronic. I was born with it, I just didn't know until now. The good news is that I have an outstanding surgeon, and a fantastic hematologist, and the nurses are great, and I feel taken care of even when my arms are stuck with needles and they have to give me medication through a machine. Because honestly, it could be so much worse. Better, too, sure. But reminding myself that it could be worse keeps me grateful instead of being angry that I'm going through it. My doctor smiles through his mask and the frames of his red glasses lift just a little bit. As the anesthesiologist puts me to sleep, my doctor lets me know I'm doing great and that he'll take good care of me. He did. After the surgery, the nurse gave me Fentanyl for pain and even water was hard to swallow. As a kid I loved playing doctor - I even begged my parents for scrubs and a real first-aid kit. After dealing with this for six months, I hate hospitals now. Grateful for them, but can't wait to not have to be in them anymore. Fingers crossed. 

My last procedure was scheduled for a couple days before Thanksgiving, so my mom and Andy invited my boyfriend and I over for an early Thanksgiving on the 19th. We shared good food, a few rounds of Bingo, and some wine on that Saturday afternoon. It was a safety measure, to make sure I could eat the good stuff since I'd be on a liquid diet on the actual holiday. I'm lucky.  

And thank God we did, because I was still sick on Thanksgiving Day. I was still able to see my family, and share stories and cocoa with homemade whipped cream around the fire - but my voice was scratchy and my head was throbbing. 

The morning after Thanksgiving, my boyfriend and I got dressed and went over to my Dad's house for Thanksgiving with them. This was Nick's first time meeting my dad, two and a half years into our relationship. My dad shared his best bottle of whiskey with us, and a cigar with Nick, and the rest of my dad's side of the family loved Nick too. Everything felt good. We sat by the fire with glasses of bourbon, my uncle shared stories, and we laughed about how messy life can be. 

Messy is the best word I can use. Because let's be real, there's a lot. A lot of good, a lot of bad. A lot of wins, a lot of losses, a lot of questions, a lot of doubt, a lot of love, a lot of celebration, a lot of happiness, a lot of tears, a lot of confusion, a lot of curiosity, a lot of... a lot of things. This year has just been... a lot. 

Games of Bingo with a Rum and Coke in good company is powerful. 

So was this margarita on our first night in Hawaii. My best friend and I traveled there alone a few days after I turned 24, and on this night we hiked 2 miles uphill to get to dinner. The hosts knew we were tourists when they saw the sweat on our foreheads, and that margarita paired with about four glasses of ice water felt like magic. 

Mornings in our hostel were great too. We would microwave our breakfast, talk to the other visitors about their plans for the day, and then call an Uber and tell them to take us to a beach they recommended. 

The shade of the trees, the hot sun, the blue water, the cool people, and the gorgeous afternoons made time stand still and pass wayyyyy too fast all at the same time. 

We even got to visit a black sand beach, and I swear we could've stayed there the entire week. 

I spent one of my first days as a 24 year old walking inside an active volcano, and I will treasure that memory forever. 

The same goes for the glowing Grinch on the staircase at our favorite bar.

Year 24 saw Christmas at Mom and Andy's, complete with a breakfast food buffet and a stocking full of Trader Joe's knickknacks for the apartment. 

Which... Nick and I moved out of in April of this year. My sweet little Oakland apartment will forever hold a special place in my heart, with all its little weird quirks and scuff marks - but I'm happy to have moved on. 

I'm glad I snapped this shot of our new place on moving day, between trips back and forth to the car for boxes and boxes and... more boxes. 

There were a lot of rough nights this year. I got through them. Not gracefully, and it wasn't pretty... but I got through them. 

The same way I got through several procedures in hospital gowns and stuck with IV needles.

...and endless blood draws at the Cancer Center.

and a Tuesday morning in the Emergency Room, coughing so hard it was hard to get enough oxygen, wishing I could just go back to work and return to my normal life with my usual level of energy.

Riverfest 2022 was as simple as a text to my best friend, telling her I needed a funnel cake and to see her and that I'd pick her up if she'd agree to go with me. She did, of course. It's become a tradition. We always share a funnel cake, and get Dippin' Dots, and wander around the festival like we've never been there before even though we know where everything is and could probably do it with our eyes closed if we had to. 

That night was beautiful. 

OH! And our family grew by four paws, 70 pounds and a ton of love - meet Arlo Dean! I asked Nick if we could go to the Humane Society to "look" and he agreed ;) (his mistake!) and we ended up bringing this sweet boy home. He's a great addition to our world. He naps hard, destroys chew toys in seconds, loves being outside, snores SO loud, is the absolute best cuddler, will do anything for a steak treat, thinks going with mom to get the mail is a grand adventure, and loves on us when we get home from work. Very much a puppy, and very loved. 

Don't let the innocence in his face fool you. We spent $65 on this bed and he made it last about a week before chewing it to ~ shreds ~ and being the dog mama I am, I was dumb enough to buy him a second one... which was also destroyed. Live and learn. 

I can't wait to go back to work. And the more I've thought about that, the luckier I feel. I don't think many people get to feel that way. I've been sick and/or in inpatient procedures for the last ten days. I've missed work. I've missed jokes, and seeing new drawings, and meeting new kids, and being able to be in the office around other people.

And the people I get to be around are amazing. They put together and delivered this gift basket for me, with my favorite candies and gift cards, plus a handmade card signed by everyone. 

Being out of work has sucked. 

The last few weeks have been clouded with pain meds, cold medicine, and constant showers to try and sweat out fevers. 

But it's Sunday now, and I get to go back to work tomorrow!!!! 

I have to see my doctor first, and then get a coffee on the way in (of course) but I get to be back!!! With my people!!! Doing what I love!!! 

I'm so grateful for the support, love, and medical care I've received so that that can be possible. 

And in two days, I turn 25. 

A whole new 365 days to laugh through, love on people, work on recovery, read new books, create more content, study hard, explore, make memories, help people, donate to good causes, learn things, practice my passion, and live.

Because this time next year, when I sit here and try to write this post, I want to be able to say I tried my hardest. 

xox

if I don't come back here between now and the start of 2023, i hope you have an incredible new year and i hope you know how proud i am of you for making it through this one. this one was not easy or kind and for you to have pushed through all of what it threw at you just because you're beautiful and stubborn and refuse to let this silly world get the best of you? that is power.