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Small World, Big Feelings.

Today was my first day of graduate school. Or eighteenth grade. I like calling it that. Somehow it makes it seem less daunting and more like something I'm supposed to show up to in an outfit my mom picked out, holding crayons she bought for me. But that isn't the reality.

In reality it was a 15 hour day. 15 hours isn't much time, but it is. Trust me, it is. But damn, it was a good day. I'm finally back in a place where I feel like I belong. I'm coming back to the same university where I did my undergraduate work and I guess part of me thought it would feel the same... but everything is so different now. I'm coming back smarter, stronger, less apologetic, more open-minded, with a bunch of diagnoses I didn't have five years ago. I've gotten married since I left. I've learned I had a chronic medical condition since I left. I've learned most importantly that the energy and love I've poured into my academic and professional careers is going to do more for me than I ever thought it could. 

Five years ago if someone had asked me to go into social work, I would've laughed in their face and told them they were crazy. I had no way to know. 

Life is like that. Apparently. Because I'm not the only one in my program coming back to school with an entirely different mentality. Almost everyone is. I'm not alone in anything, I'm surrounded by people who have incredible stories and indescribable life experiences that have led them to the same building as me, every Wednesday, for the next year of our lives and that's beautiful. 

I'm part of a program where the professors make it a point to have us practice self-care. Mandated self-care. I can not emphasize how significant that is. They've given us their personal cell phone numbers to call if we're ever in crisis and need help - even if it's at work and not something they're responsible for. Today was day one, and to feel that safe and to be so cared for that I can come home and write about it after taking notes for 15 hours? That's important. 

First thing this morning, my instructor told us that the relationships we have may fall apart. 

"You can plan for logistics," she told us. "But you're exploring, and learning, and growing, and becoming a part of things much bigger than yourselves... you can't plan for that kind of growth." 

I cried, a little. I can't lie on that. Not because it hurt, but because it was good to hear from someone with lived experience that coming to graduate school and investing in yourself like that can really change your entire life. Including the people in it. 

This has been one of the longest and best days of my life. My classmate started a group chat where we can share our feelings safely and ask for help when we need it. Another classmate laughed with me about how out of our minds we are for doing this as full-time employees also managing practicum hours in addition to seeing clients and ensuring that our own basic needs get met. 

Sometimes being able to relate to someone is all the power you ever need. That might be what saves me this semester. And the next one. And the next two after that. 

I felt like I had to produce some type of blog post today because I legitimately don't know if this something I'll be able to do for the foreseeable future. I'm up to my neck in assignments and deadlines already. I won't have a day off for the next year, but I NEEDED to write. 

So I'll leave you with this, in part because I believe in it with all of me and in part because I need you to understand how real it is. 

IF YOU WANT TO CHASE A DREAM, DO THAT. IF YOU DON'T FEEL QUALIFIED, DO IT ANYWAY. DO IT SCARED. DO IT HOPEFUL. DO IT BECAUSE YOU CAN. DO IT BECAUSE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PARTS OF BEING ALIVE COME FROM TAKING BIG RISKS. PUT YOUR EGO AND YOUR PRIDE AND YOUR SHAME AND YOUR DOUBTS AWAY, AND DO IT. WHATEVER IT MIGHT BE. 

I have to eat dinner, shower, decompress, prep my things for a 16 hour day tomorrow, and somehow still fit some sleep into my schedule so I'm gonna go for now. 

If you need me, catch me at the library, holding my breath from now until 2027. ;)

#gradstudentlife 


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