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I've Been Looking Up, And I'll Keep Moving Forward

Never before have I had to work so hard to come up with an answer to a question as easy as, "How have you been?" In all honesty, I’m at a place in my life where I’m not sure a good answer to a question like that exists at all. I’m 22 and things are weird. I have more responsibility and more freedom than ever. I'm more in love and also more alone than ever. I'm still practicing making my own rules and when to allow myself to break them. I'm trying to beat into my own brain that I don't owe anyone anything, and that this is the most important time to respect myself and draw my lines without a single apology. I'm learning how to rest without guilt, how to love without letting it rule me, how to make peace a priority, how to finally not fear change, and how to live without always being wrapped up in an unrealistic idea of "the way things should be." It's hard. It's busy, and it's beautiful... 
but it's hard. 
I'm in recovery now from two 70 hour work weeks in a row, between 3 different jobs and saying yes to things I probably shouldn't have. Every day I was awake before the sun was up and en route to one commitment or another. More than once, I'm pretty sure I forgot to brush my hair before leaving for another full day. But considering I'm navigating life on my own now (for the first time) after graduating college in the midst of a global pandemic on top of my own personal battles... I'm doing pretty well. I think. I'm trying. That's what matters, right? The effort?
I understand now why when I was a little kid, my mom would be exhausted by the time she got around to making dinner on a Tuesday night. Days are long and all too short at the same time. So are weeks. And, apparently, so are years -- because back then I didn't think I'd ever grow up and all of a sudden here I am. Making my own dinners, filing taxes, changing the oil in my car, getting excited about shopping for things like area rugs and kitchen towels, seeing my own name on my bills, making all my own decisions, and admittedly more than my fair share of mistakes. But it's all okay. Life isn't something that was made to always be done right, anyway.
For two days, while I ran back and forth from work on one side of town to another, my IKEA kitchen table sat in pieces on the floor, waiting patiently to be put together. Every time I’d pass that pile of pieces on my way out the door after a lunch break just long enough to pack something to go… all I could think was, "some assembly required," and laugh - because that couldn't have been a better metaphor for how my life has felt lately. Some assembly required. LOTS of assembly required sometimes. Sometimes you luck out and the instructions are easy enough to follow. Sometimes it takes several minds coming together to make sense of it, and tools that they didn't even include in the box because that'd be too easy. But if you're lucky, and you've got good people, one way or another things come together and get done. 
Long story short, thanks to my family, I have a kitchen table and 4 chairs now. A small step closer to making my new place feel like a real home.
Can't wait to welcome you in for game nights and dinners and good conversations. It's been too long, and we have a lot of catching up to do.  
Last Thursday morning on my way to work, I went through the drive-thru to take advantage of my free drink reward. I ordered a medium and got a large, and while I waited for it I managed to catch a glimpse of a double rainbow. I photographed the parts of it that I could catch, and from that moment forward the theme of my day was, "look up." 
"Look up. Look in front of you. Look around at the world more."

Because as I was driving away, I realized how easily I could've missed that rainbow. It would've been so easy to use every second of having my car in park to respond to emails and update the shopping list I'd been making in my mind. But if the fortune I got on my lunch break later that same day is true...

I can't keep looking down.
I can't keep looking back.
I have to look up, and look forward, and make myself ready for the better things that are on the way.

When I say "better things" I don't mean the big stuff. 
I mean the small things, like standing in sunflower fields on Sunday nights and actually showing the thick thighs I've been ashamed of for forever. 
Things like nights alone, cooking soul food and sitting around in comfy clothes with nobody to impress.
Things like the way that natural light makes my whole room gold when the sun comes up.
Things like not being able to walk into a garden center without bringing home at least a few new additions to the growing succulent fam. 
Things like watching what seems like a million birds fly over an empty parking lot and eating ice cream because family traditions are important...

and because sometimes you just need a reminder to look up.

To answer that question, finally: I can't tell you. I've been so many things, and felt so much, and I don't have words for any of it. I haven't been "good" or "bad" or "in between."

I've been learning. I've been changing. I've been growing. 
And in terms of where I'm going from here? Only forward. 

XOX








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