2018, you were something else. You were so full of
everything. You pushed me further out of my comfort zone than I’d ever been,
taught me how to truly be alive, watched me as I struggled to learn a lot of
painful lessons, and more than anything you gave me endless opportunities to
grow and to really discover myself. You were far from perfect, but so am I- and
I think that alone is what allows me to sit here right now looking back on you
without regretting a single thing.
I can’t do you justice in one post, I’ve tried. This is
probably my tenth time trying to piece everything together and this still isn’t
as great as it could be. I probably won’t be happy with this even when I
finally publish. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned from you as far as my
writing, it’s that sometimes I just need to push perfection as far
out of my mind as possible so I can share my thoughts authentically. So I can
stop focusing on trying to be an incredible writer and start being honest with
myself. So I can stop wasting so much time being frustrated with my product and
start falling in love with my process.
I’m done throwing hours of work and hundreds of pages worth
of writing away just because I don’t think it’s good enough. It’s exhausting
and I’m tired, but it takes more than that to get me to give up.
With that said, this will be my last blog post for the
foreseeable future. I’ve put an awful lot of energy into writing for the last
eight years of my life, and unfortunately my energy is needed in other places
now. I owe it to my coworkers, my friends, my family, and myself to pour as
much of me as possible into loving them, helping them, and being present more
often instead of being so wrapped up in my own mind.
It’s been incredible. When I started blogging as an
assignment for one of my freshman year high school classes, I didn’t imagine it
would become such a huge part of me. I got the A and I kept writing, not
because I needed to but because I absolutely loved it and still do. Putting my
most personal thoughts and experiences out in the world for eight years has
taught me a lot, and there will never come a day when I’m not grateful for
that. The decision to essentially turn my blog into my public diary was
something that scared me to death when I started, and to be sitting here eight
years later realizing how much has changed since then is emotional in a way I
will never be able to explain.
Thank you for everything. This is the most in love I’ve ever
been. Now let’s do this one last time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2018 Wrap-Up
School: This was
my third year at Wichita State University and as expected, it went better than
the last. I was able to take courses that I was truly passionate about this
semester, which made my 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. days (NOT including time spent on
homework) SO worth the struggle. This was my first year balancing my school
schedule with not one or two but three
jobs, and it wouldn’t have gone as well as it did if I hadn’t gotten so lucky
with the people I was spending all those hours around. Most days I had to
change outfits 3-4 times, go back and forth from school to work at least twice,
eat as fast as I could between commitments, stay up until 2 a.m. to get my
homework halfway done, and I’d be lying if I said I’m not still in recovery
mode. That was a long 16 weeks. But my minor in Psychology is complete, and
this time next year I’ll be graduating. College goes a million miles an hour
and waaaaayyyyy too slow all at once.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~New Job: When 2018 started, I didn’t
know what “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” really meant.
Or maybe I just didn’t believe in it. When I accepted a position at the
District Attorney’s office in the juvenile division, it made more sense than
anything ever has. For the first time in my life, I have a job that I look
forward to going to every single day. I get to talk to people about the things
that matter to me, and most importantly I get to help people. There have been
days when I’ve forgotten to clock in or out just because it feels a lot more
like home than work. My first day in court, I had so many knots in my stomach
and I was so nervous I was shaking. 6 months later almost to the day, I can’t
believe I ever felt that way. I’m very lucky to get to do what I love, and to
get to do it surrounded by people who share my passion is the absolute best
thing to happen to me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Tattoos: If you keep up with me on
social media at all, you know that 2018 saw me get FIVE tattoos. I used to
think I’d never get any, because the idea of something permanent was terrifying
to me, but the things I’ve chosen to have carved into my skin forever have been
meaningful for as long as I can remember. Here they are.
#1 “Mischief Managed
– 4-14-98” My best friend has been my best friend since we were born. 20
years of solid, reliable friendship. She’s the one who introduced me to Harry
Potter, and she’s been the one who’s managed my mischief since day one. We’ve
gone years without speaking before and always come back to each other like nothing
changed. We’ve had our share of stupid fights and we’ve made up each time. We
got the matching tattoos to celebrate the fact that we’ve been friends for as
long as we’ve both been alive, so I got her birthdate and she got mine.
#2 Feminist Symbol The
second one I got was a tiny feminist symbol on my left ankle and I got it with
my mom, because without her I wouldn’t be the woman I am today. She has taught
me everything I know about womanhood, helped me through the hardest parts of
it, cried with me when I’ve had my heart broken, taught me to be brave,
encouraged me to chase my dreams, called me on my shit, and always reminded me
that being a girl is fucking awesome. Even when it doesn’t feel like it.
#3 “Fearless” I
won’t lie, I got my third one COMPLETELY on a whim because I wanted it and
nobody was there to tell me no. The reason for it being that it’s the title of
one of Taylor Swift’s albums, and her quote about it has always stuck out to
me. “To me, fearless is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely
unafraid. To me, fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of
them. To me, fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to
death.”
It speaks for itself.
#4 “Resilient” The
resilient tattoo got a blog post of it’s own, check it out. 😉
#5 Sunflower My
first colored tattoo was my most recent one that I got done for my 21st
birthday. I got a colored sunflower over my right shoulder. The reason for that
is because I’ve been thinking a lot about what my future is going to hold, and
genuinely wondering how much longer I’ll call Kansas home. Regardless, Kansas
will ALWAYS be there when I look back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My 21 Birthday: When I heard 3 of my four final exams were going to be on my 21st birthday AND that I had to work that day, I wasn't thrilled. I knew my day would start with a 6 a.m. alarm and be absolute chaos, but I was forgetting a lot. I was forgetting that getting my education is one of my favorite things and that I'm extremely passionate about what I study. I was forgetting that even though it's work, and an obligation, I'm lucky enough to be madly in love with what I do. Yeah, I had to take 3 final exams and go to work on my 21st birthday, but I don't think I could've been happier to do it all. I got to spend hours upon hours that day with my favorite people, and I wouldn't go back and change any of it if you paid me.
And don't worry, I got drinks.
My business day ended around 7, and by 7:30 I was showing my license at the bar.
"I wanted to bring you here because I wanted to share one of the places I love with the person I love," my dad told me after the bartender at Central Standard Brewing snapped this photo and served me a sample of every. single. beer.
So this is how it started...
21 and luckier than ever before.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh, and SO in love.
Putting my thoughts and feelings into words is my thing, and I can't do it to save my life when it comes to this guy.
Alex, I love you. I have loved you for a long time, and I will love you for as long as you let me.
Thank you for giving me the time and space I needed to grow up and figure out what I want as far as a relationship is concerned, and thank you for being far beyond all of it. You amaze me in every way, and I couldn't ask for a better partner in crime. Standing beside you and putting my heart in your hands is the best decision I've ever made. Now let's take on the world together.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You saw a lot, 2018. A lot of challenge. A lot of risks. A
lot of change. A lot of restless nights and mornings met with tired eyes. A lot
of pain. A lot of laughter. A lot of growth. And most importantly, an awful lot
of learning. You were a 365 day constant battle between my head and my heart.
You fed my soul and starved my insecurities. You gambled on me when I didn’t
know much about what it meant to be authentically, boldly, fearlessly alive-
and you taught me how to fall in love with it all. Thank you.
2019, you've got big shoes to fill.
Thank you for
reading, whether it was once or every single time.
Thank you for letting
me grow here.
Thank you for
everything that you’ve experienced with me for the last eight years of my life.
It’s been wild, and I
can’t wait to see what’s coming.
Let's go live big.
Xox
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