I'm Writing This For You

I probably should have put the time and effort into writing this out a long time ago, but I guess me being late with my honesty is better than me bullshitting you. If you're someone who has wondered where I've been recently or why we haven't been able to catch up, I'm writing this for you. If you're someone I've made plans with and then had to cancel on you, I'm writing this for you. If you're someone I seem to have fallen out of touch with, or if you're someone I've neglected to respond to, or if you're someone who thinks I'm not interested in spending time with you because it's been months and we have yet to make anything happen... I'm writing this for you. Please listen.

I'm busier now than I've ever been in my life. Working three jobs, babysitting most weekends, and being a full-time student pursuing a double major all at the same time is the opposite of easy. Especially for someone like me, who requires large amounts of time alone to be able to emotionally recharge for the next hours, days, deadlines and adventures. 

I'm in love with it. I'm absolutely 100% in love with what I'm studying and what I get to do for work, and I'm grateful for that because if that passion was absent I don't think I'd be able to do even half of it. 

But even that doesn't take away the fact that balancing everything is beyond exhausting in every single sense of the word. Changing outfits multiple times a day, rushing from class to the office and back, squeezing errands in between social engagements, keeping up with homework, responding to emails, studying for exams, and making sure I'm even able to eat a real meal every so often is even more physically demanding than it sounds. 

By the time I make it home each evening, I feel like I've run a marathon. Home isn't a place where I spend much time anymore, even though I live there. It's started to feel almost more like a pit-stop on my way to anywhere else because I'm only ever there for a meal, a shower, or to sleep for a few hours before I rise with the sun and do it all over again.

If there's one thing I've learned in the recent weeks and months as I've continued to explore my own mind and my own character, it's that emotional exhaustion is a very real thing. When I say I'm tired, I'm probably not talking about the bags-under-my-eyes and desperate for more sleep kind of tired. When I say I'm tired, there's a much greater chance that I'm just tired of being conscious and functional. Tired of constantly having something to prepare for, tired of having homework assignments that need to be completed, tired of double and triple checking my to-do list to make sure I haven't forgotten an obligation, and just tired of always having to be ready for the next thing. 

So when you ask me to hang out, and I say no, and the reason I give you is that I don't have time, I'm being very honest with you. The time itself, the hours, are there- but my body and mind need a peace that time with another person can't provide. It's not that I don't want to see you. It's not that I'm preoccupied with other things, either. It's just that those couple hours that I happen to have free on a given day might be the only hours I truly have to myself that week or even that month- and I need those to keep me sane. It's the introvert in me, I suppose. I need time away from commitments and from other people in order to keep myself stable enough to do all the things I do. 

If you are one of the many who have told me that this concept means I'm being selfish with my time, please understand that that isn't my intention. I never mean to sound like I don't value your friendship or our communication. I never mean to sound as though I'm disinterested in spending my free time with you. I've just learned enough about myself to know that I need to take my downtime seriously for my own well-being, and that will never mean that you aren't important to me.

If you are someone who has told me time and time again that I'm trying to do too much at one time, please stop. I know I'm managing a lot, and I know it's far from an ideal lifestyle given that I sometimes skip meals or stay up way too late.. but I'm someone who doesn't have enough hours in the day to do all the things I'm passionate about or to love on all the people I'm proud of. I drive myself mad if I don't stay busy, and as backwards as it might seem.. staying busy keeps me calm. 

If you are someone who has been supportive of me as I've grown into my own head and been on this #selflovejourney, thank you. Thank you for standing behind me to catch me when I fall, walking beside me and giving me a hand to hold, and for running in front of me to show me the way. Thank you for the random texts to check on me even if we haven't spoken for months. Thank you for encouraging me to pursue my passions even if it's seemed like I've had to push you away. You are the reason I'm able to do what I do and you're the reason I love waking up in the morning. I hope you know I will always, always be here for you the same way. 

As a little girl growing up, I always wished I was older. People laughed at me for it then and people laugh at me for it now, because I'm still always wishing I was further ahead in life than wherever I am. 

"Don't grow up," they always said. "It's a trap."

And yeah, I get it. Growing up sucks. Paying your own bills, spending your summers at work, and folding your own socks sucks. Responsibility can be draining. But it's amazing, too. There's freedom. There's something beautiful about waking up in the morning and choosing what you get to wear, getting in your own car, driving to your own job, making your own money, finding your own friends and becoming more of yourself every single day. I really don't think I'd trade it for anything.

Here's a mini life update since it's been forever.

I get the tattoos I want now. This is my third, and it's inspired by Taylor Swift's "Fearless" album. And no, it doesn't mean that I'm unafraid. I got the word permanently carved into my skin so it can serve as my constant reminder to be fearless- meaning to live in spite of the things that scare me. To face my fears rather than have my life controlled by them. My parents might not be happy that I'm inking my skin forever, but I'm not making my decisions for them anymore. The tattoos make my heart happy, and I'm going to continue to do things for myself with that same mentality.

I don't have a reason for this selfie, but I feel like it's been a while since we've seen each other. The other day was the first day in forever that I've actually worn makeup and put effort into my appearance. I ain't gonna lie... it felt pretty great.

A week or so ago I had to drop my little brother off at a recital for one of his college classes, and after I stopped to let him out I parked the car and just stared at the sky for a while. Sunsets get me... every. time. Every time. 

These wild, beautiful, silly, ambitious, strong, powerful, resilient, and incredible women are two of my favorite people in this world and to get to see Taylor Swift's "Reputation" tour with them this past September was everything a girl could ask for. From face masks the night before and binging the British Baking Show to dancing with them in Arrowhead Stadium for hours and laughing at the drunk man in Waffle House at midnight, I loved every minute of it. Sometimes you just need a weekend away with your people. Even though I had to stay up until 2 a.m. to finish a criminal theory and legalities exam... still wouldn't have changed a single thing about that trip.

And is it REALLY a trip if you don't explore? Prospero's Books in Kansas City is my favorite type of place. Graffiti on the walls, books stacked to the ceiling, odd furniture scattered around, rolling bookshelf ladders like Belle dances on in Beauty and the Beast... I was basically living my dream in a room that held seemingly infinite worlds. 

So I guess life balances out. Sometimes I feel like I've taken on too much at once and other times, I get to step back and see that if it weren't that way, I wouldn't be surrounded by so many incredible people. 

I lucked into this life, for sure. 

And if you're reading this.. thank you for being a part of all of it. 

The madness. The mayhem. The everything. 

take care of yourself.

take care of each other.

xox,

until next time