Do You Think Caterpillars Know?

If you ask me, being alive and simply existing are two entirely different things. Existing is easy. Being alive is a little bit more complicated. I've had to lay parts of myself to rest in order to experience it, and I'm still learning how to do it every time I find it necessary. I'm still learning how to hush the voices in my head that yell to one another about all the what-ifs and the could-bes. I'm still learning how to force myself to deny my doubts because they're so undeserving of space in the same brain that could do so many better things. I'm still learning how to put history behind me and leave no room for what does me no good. I'm still learning how to speak my mind, take up space, and stop apologizing for my opinions and my choices just because they aren't always understood or taken to kindly. But mostly, I'm learning that existence is settling while living is starving for improvement. Existence is saying, "This is how it's always been," or "This is how I've always done it" or "That's just how I am," and blocking out the potential for new perspectives or experiences. Being alive means going down a path of CONSTANT evolution.  

The other morning I was already behind schedule on my way to work when I spilled iced coffee down the entire front of my favorite white shirt- but are you surprised? If you know me, probably not. Not even in the slightest because that seems to be how I am as a person. Awkward, messy, bad with timing. A little bit reckless, yet reserved. Quiet in a wild way, a skeptical optimist, and extremely human. More and more human every day, and only getting happier about it. The me that existed even as little as a year ago would've panicked when I felt that coffee hit my clothes. She would've felt like the world was ending, and in feeling that she would've allowed herself to believe that it really was. That one little thing would've eaten her alive- but lucky for her, she's me now. I know better than to let that happen. I've fought very hard for a very long time for that to be true, and that will continue. 

There will never be even a minute of my life when I will have hit capacity in terms of what I can achieve. There are a lot of things in this world I'm very uncertain of, but one thing I know without a doubt is that I will never know everything. I will never run out of things to learn, and in my mind that guarantees never-ending growth and transformation. That's what I'm here for. That's what keeps me enthusiastic about being alive and if you're like me, you know how hard that can be.

You get lied to and you feel like you can't trust anyone. You get cheated on and you feel like you'll never be good enough for someone to stay. You see people fight or divorce and you think love is something you'll never really get to believe in. You get a bad grade and you think you're stupid or a failure. You get called a bitch for speaking your mind so you start keeping to yourself. You keep to yourself and people think you're cold or distant. Someone hurts you and you blame yourself. You start listing every reason why you were the one they put a target on - growing more and more insecure by the moment because you know what never makes that list? The idea that maybe none of it had anything to do with you, and the ones who made you feel that way only did it that way because that's how they feel about themselves. The idea that you could transform from a caterpillar into a butterfly and people would still say they miss the old you.

I think a lot of the time, strength and weakness get confused. There's a disconnect between the ideas of what is beautiful and acceptance of the nature of things. Change, I think, is something that tends to be feared... and I wish that was different. I wish the process of it was welcomed, embraced, and celebrated the way the metamorphosis of a caterpillar is. 

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The summer before my freshman year of college, I went with my parents to my dad's high school reunion barbecue and I won't lie- it was one of those things I was pretty mad about being dragged along to. It also ended up being one of my best memories. One of the days I've learned the most, laughed the hardest and just genuinely loved life. 

I spent about ten minutes eavesdropping on a conversation between a group of women who were reminiscing on their favorite and least favorite high school moments before I ended up becoming part of it. They were talking about things like dating, proms, mistakes they had made, people they had grown apart from, how they got through the hard shit, and what they would've done differently when one of them turned to me and gave me a single piece of advice I will never forget. 

"Know the geeky guys and the biker dudes," she told me. "You don't have to bring them home. Just know their names."

In and of itself, you're probably thinking that's a stupid piece of advice to give a 17 year old kid. It wasn't. The old soul in me heard so much more than just those words. She was just talking about who to know, speaking from her own experience, but here's what I heard:

 "Pay attention. Get to know people. Let people get to know you. Go beyond your comfort zone. Make friends outside your circle. Try new things. Network. Be teachable. Learn from people. Make memories so you can tell your own stories and give your own advice when you're at your own reunion someday."

I apply that every single day and I will forever. 

That girl who didn't know any of this for the longest time... shes's me now and I'm damn proud of her. Really, really proud of her- and feeling really lucky that she had the best of the best when it comes to role models. Family who always drove the distance, teachers who were always ready to go above and beyond, coaches who balanced tough love along with support, friends who were honest even when it was hard, and the here-and-there kind of people who had a way of showing up right when they were needed and making an impact even when they were unaware of it.

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"Do you think caterpillars know that they're gonna be butterflies someday?" is a question I've posed many times to many different people, who have all given me the same types of answers. Shrugs, mostly, and the occasional, "That's a stupid question."

And it is, but it's still cool to think about. Do you think that when it comes time to wrap themselves up in cocoons, the caterpillars know that they're leaving their old lives behind in order to transform beyond any possible recognition? Do you think they know they're about to go from being tiny, furry creatures in gardens and the cracks of concrete to having wings and the freedom to fly? Do you think they're ever afraid of that change? Do you think they ever know how beautiful, powerful, and unique they become through that growth?

Do you know how beautiful, powerful, and unique YOU become, through yours?

That's why I pose that first question. I won't ever know and don't really care about how caterpillars feel- but I think that concept is interesting to consider. Caterpillars do a lot of hard work, spend a lot of time alone, and experience great amounts of darkness and solitude before they get a chance to spread their wings. Their growth requires them to briefly shut everything around them out, but results in one of the prettiest transformations the world ever sees.

Maybe they fall out of touch with who they used to know.
Maybe that time alone is the hardest thing some days and great the rest.
Maybe they're afraid of what's coming.
Maybe they know it'll be infinitely better than the life they're familiar with.

The point is, and the lessons I've learned have proven this to me: evolving isn't easy. The nature of things isn't always pretty. Just because it's natural doesn't mean there aren't challenges. People are always going to question you and some of them are always going to be critical. You're going to outgrow certain people and you'll feel like you've lost them, but the important thing to remember is that these kinds of losses aren't losses at all. All it is is you making space for those who will encourage your transformation and admire you for the things you had to do to get there. 

Know when it is time to wrap yourself up.
I promise you the silence and the dark that come with being alone don't last.
The challenge you'll go through to change won't go unnoticed.

Remember you weren't made to stay the same the entire time you're alive.
Now fly.