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Last First Day: Back to Battle

It's so cool to sit here and write this post from a place, both emotionally and physically, that I didn't even think to be possible this time last year. So much has changed for me since the first day of my junior year. There's been so much growth. So much progress. I'm so much happier than I was a year ago today. 

If you had told me this time last year that my job would require me to be up, dressed, and out the door by 7 a.m., I probably would've cried. So I guess I'm walking proof that things can change a little quicker than we tend to believe. I live for what I do now, and for mornings- but mostly for sunrises. I love those sky colors and quiet drives while the air is still cool and traffic doesn't exist quite yet. That's when I get a lot of my most genuine writing done. Maybe it's because I'm still groggy and the anticipation of waiting to find out what the day will hold fuels the creative part of me. Maybe it's because that's really the only time I ever have to focus entirely on my own thoughts and what's going on around me instead of errands, deadlines, chores and the mess that is daily self-upkeep. Because let's be honest, once a day really starts, it's pretty demanding. Turns out, adult life is pretty constant. You can feel two steps ahead one moment and ten behind the next.  
I pulled over one morning on my way to work to snap this shot because it was one of those, "everything feels like it's in place for the time being" kind of moments. One of those "I might just be two steps ahead" kind of moments. One of those moments that I wish came around more often, but at the same time I'm glad they don't or they wouldn't even mean half as much. 
Another one of those moments was at the same hour, 7 a.m., this morning. This time last year I was living with my parents, hardcore falling for one particular guy. There would be days or weeks between the times I'd get to drive to his apartment to see him and when I'd get to, it wasn't  unusual for me to not leave his place until 3 a.m. saying things like, "I really should just live here."

This morning I started my senior year of college by waking up right beside him, wrapped in our blankets, in our bed, in our room, in our place. This morning, the same man I couldn't have possibly ever been crazier for made me coffee and brought it to me so I could drink it while I got ready for class. Today was my last first day of school, and definitely the best. The girl boss vibes were strong. The coffee was stronger. And my love for the way my crazy little life is now was the strongest. 

I didn't have to text him this morning asking how he slept and reminding him to have a great day. I got to kiss him in the middle of our kitchen, tell him I love him, and come home to him again when the chaos of another Tuesday was done. That kind of peace is something I can't describe, but I hope you've had the chance to feel. 
I also got to sneak in a brief little cat nap with this new addition of ours. Blogger world, meet Justice. The sweetest little spontaneous Sunday afternoon new pet adoption there's ever been. The sleepiest, too. She is so loved. So, SO loved. 
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Self-love/Life update: I know I haven't been active on here lately, and I probably won't be (very often, at least) from now until spring. I would love to sit here and write as much as I used to, but my life is a lot different now and for the first time in forever, I'm so committed to living it. 

Writing used to be an outlet for me, and a way for me to be my own company. It still is, but it's more of a hobby now than a method of self-help. It's still a way for me to wind down, but it isn't what I rely on the way I have for most of my life. It's a lot like a glass of wine. I don't need it, but it's nice. It helps me to take the edge off. I don't require it just to show you who I really am or tell you how I really feel- but it does give me a little bit of a buzz that helps me feel jusssssssst free enough. Catch me on here from time to time, sharing pieces of my world with you the way I would if we were catching up over a glass of real wine... but just know it won't be an all the time thing. 

My priorities have changed. I'm more interested in the life I'm living than I am in writing about it. 

What matters to me now more than anything is my people and my peace of mind. I'm putting all my energy into the people I love and the things I'm passionate about. My efforts now go entirely towards building stronger relationships, speaking my mind more often, and seizing every opportunity I'm offered. I'm no longer accepting "that's just how it's always been" or "that's just how it is" as a good enough answer or explanation for anything. 

When I do my makeup in the morning, my boyfriend tells our cat that I'm putting on my war paint so I'm ready to go to battle with the day and its bullshit. He isn't wrong.  

I'm focused on improvement. Driven by challenge. Motivated by mediocrity but deathly afraid of it. I'm ready to go to war against the force of the world around me because I know that whether I win or lose in battle, I'll become a better version of myself. 

Forgive me if I go MIA for a while. I'm fighting hard to both build and become everything I want. I promise this is where I'll come as soon as I get a chance to take the armor off. Until then, have a glass of wine for me and get some rest. 

Let's start tomorrow at least a few steps ahead. 
xox 














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