Okay yeah, I can't lie to you. I wouldn't lie to you. Writing isn't something I particularly love. The process is interesting and discovering myself more with every piece of work is humbling, but there's more to it than just that. I think there are things that you need to understand about me and where I'm coming from before that makes any sense at all to you, so I'll lay it all out here now.
I don't write for the sake of pleasing an audience, which tends to confuse most everyone. I don't write to gain followers or increase my page views. I don't write in an effort to be praised or critiqued. Obligations and debts are dead to me here. I don't have anyone to answer to here. I speak my mind without interruption here and this is where I don't have anyone trying to argue with me or tell me how they would do it differently. This is where I don't have to listen to anyone try to convince me that writing is a waste of my time or a nonsense use of my energy. I don't have people begging me for answers here, and that peace is critical to me.
I write because it's a coping mechanism. It's just how I deal with things.
I write for the same reasons some people are willing to stand out in the cold just to smoke a cigarette. It soothes me. I write for the same reasons drunks reach for liquor bottles as if all the answers they'll ever need will be found at the bottom of them. It comforts me. It makes me feel good. It takes the edge off. It temporarily removes me from this... for lack of a better word -- ridiculous world.
It's been very difficult for me to write lately though, and maybe that's at least partly due to the fact that it feels like I'm living an entirely different life than I was a month or so ago when I last posted. The last time I published, I was sitting in a nearly-naked apartment aside from the boxes of my belongings cramming the living room. I was living as simply as possible, trying not to unpack a single thing unless I absolutely had to. I was anxious, excited, and more than ready for moving day. Not so much for the moving itself, but for the things I knew would follow it. The things I've been experiencing while I've been absent from here. The moments I've been living in exclusively, rather than being halfway present in my own life while the other half of me wonders how I'll turn it into a story worth writing.
Moments like hanging wall art in our first apartment together.
And making homemade coconut chicken curry together once we unpacked all the kitchen stuff.
And laughing with my people on the last night of Riverfest, catching up over funnel cakes and a fireworks show.
And sleeping in until noon the next day, whipping up a few waffles and making sure the laundry got done.
And getting a haircut, because change is good and the 11 inches that got cut off seemed to take the weight of my world with them.
And celebrating solstice on the patio with the sweetest kiddos on the planet. Babysitting is something I've gained an appreciation for more and more lately, since it allows me to escape from my own adult life and be a role model for really special young people.
Plus, you can't go wrong with ice cream.
And those are't even half of the things that have been happening. Those are a handful out of several thousand.
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I've been absent from this blog for longer than I would've liked to be, but I've been learning lessons and living better than I have any other time I've sat down to do this. As a writer and a human being, I've been growing. I've been learning where and when to draw my own lines. I've only been entertaining conversations that go far beyond small talk. I've been a lot more emotional but I've also never been so in touch with my own feelings, and letting myself feel things is much higher on my priority list than writing about them. Blogging is a much more involved thing for me now because maintaining my ability to write authentically and genuinely as who I am rather than as a writer who writes in an effort to give readers what they want is gaining importance to me with every single word. I've said it before and I'll say it again- this is just a public version of my personal journal. The only reason I publish at all is because it helps me to know that what I'm putting on paper is out there somewhere in the world besides sitting in piles my own desk. I live for human connection and I love vulnerability. Sharing my diary on the most public platform there is isn't my way of begging for attention or demanding validation like I've been criticized so much for. This is just my way of putting myself out in the world, the same way most people my age use dating apps to meet people and go out every weekend.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Earlier I told you writing is my coping mechanism, so I'll do my best to explain that here. For all of my life that I'm able to remember, I've been different than everyone else around me. I knew it very early on, and when you feel misunderstood from the age of 3 forward... the world seems like a strangely threatening place.
I've been very angry and emotionally distant for almost my entire life. My dad swears to this day that I came out of the womb with my arms crossed- and I know he's kidding, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was true. I was given the nickname, "Grandma Hannah" before I was 5 years old because one of my parents' friends could tell that I was an old soul from the very beginning. I've always been made fun of for being quiet and being cautious, by everyone I know including my own family and closest friends- and I've always hated that. I've always hated it because all of it has always been bullshit to me. I've never understood why my being quiet and careful is something to tease me about when you'll never hear me making fun of someone for being loud or bold or brave. You'll never hear me telling someone that they should smile less like you'll hear people telling me I should do the opposite, and I think it's fucked up.
I've lost people who I thought were good friends just because my following the rules made me too boring for them. I've thrown away relationships because I set my standards high and was told I expected far too much. I've always understood myself, and been okay with the way I am, but I'm still waiting for the day when I'll be able to explain it- and this is the closest I'll ever come to being able to do that. Whether or not I'm successful at it doesn't concern me so much. Success is too abstract a concept anyway.
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And I know I'll never have all the answers, but there are some things I've been learning that I'll share with you now before I let you go for the night.
In case nobody has told you today, or lately, or ever: this world so desperately needs you. Even when it isn't kind to you. It needs you to stay brave and gentle and kind and honest. Stop telling yourself you aren't good enough just because you're different. Stop telling yourself you're incapable just because you mess up. Stop feeding yourself bullshit thoughts like "I can't do this," because you can. You know it and I know it. Stop making excuses. Your power rests in your perspective. Do whatever you need to do. Remove people who need to be removed. Cry until your tear ducts dry out and your eyes are swollen if that's what it takes. Be honest. Be vocal about your pain. Be willing to fuck up. Stop worrying about impressing everyone or keeping everyone happy. Fitting in isn't a real thing so stop trying so desperately to do the impossible. And damn it, stop apologizing out of habit. Stop saying sorry for how you feel. You're entitled to that shit. Own it. Say what you mean instead of choosing your words in an effort to fit the mold of what others expect or want to hear. This is humanity, this is not a contest. This is not a game. Put your ego aside. Swallow your pride. This life is about so much more than that. Who you are is about how you respond to the chaos that is living. It's about how courageously you stand up, not how many times or how hideously you fall. We're all people. Let's not make this any harder than it needs to be. Go hug your friends. Drink some water. Whatever it is you're doing, or whoever it is you love, go all in. Give it and give them everything you've got.
I'll see you soon. Until then, go live. I love you.
xox
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