Roots & Petals: My Self-Preservation Journey

"I have way too much that I really need to get done," I JUST said to myself, as I'm sitting down writing this, ignoring all of it. It's too much to ask for my creativity to hit me in waves at convenient hours, it turns out, so here we are. Welcome back. I've been keeping quiet for a while so I'm warning you now, I've got a lot to say. My focus lately has been entirely on my peace of mind and my journey of self-preservation, but I'm finding that I'm finally ready to tell you about it.
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In the last two weeks, I've removed 4,000+ people from my social media. I've been unfollowing, unfriending, and disconnecting entirely from THOUSANDS of people and pages that were destructive to my mental health for one reason or another. It doesn't make sense to me to keep people around if we're not actively engaged in one another's lives. If we're not checking in with each other, encouraging each other, having meaningful conversations, pushing each other to improve, and supporting each other through all the beauty AND the bullshit... why should we bother keeping up with each other through a website? That's just like watering dead flowers.

I filtered through list after list of name after name, asking myself if keeping certain people around would be worth it. If I had any doubts, I removed them, and when I was done I increased my security settings. I stand by what I've said before. The quality of my circle matters so much more to me than the quantity of people in it. I'd rather have a friends list of 2 people who genuinely care than a list of 500 who just keep me around for that extra "like" on their pictures or for them to gossip about to their real friends.

Along with cleansing my social media profiles, I've also turned off my read receipts on text messages. If you aren't familiar with those, it's an Apple product setting that lets the other person know when you've read their messages. I've had them on for the 3 years I've had an iPhone, all the way up until about a week ago- and turning them off has been one of the best decisions I've ever made. I can open texts now without feeling suffocated by the need to respond right away. I hate the idea of someone feeling like I'm ignoring what they've said just because it's inconvenient for me to respond at the time, and not feeling rushed to text back immediately allows me to respond more thoughtfully. Everybody wins.
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One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn in recent years is how to say "no" more often. It's two letters. It's one of the shortest and easiest words in the English language, but for whatever reason it's taken me forever to learn how powerful it is. I'm a very "yes" person. If someone asks me to make plans with them, I love to say yes. When people ask me if I can help them, saying yes is almost my instinct. Anyone who has ever presented me with an opportunity has heard me say it.

"Saying yes comes naturally to you because you have such an extroverted heart," my therapist told me at one point. "But you have an introverted mind, and you need to respect yourself enough to be able to say no if that's what protecting yourself is going to take."

Nobody has ever been more right about anything.

There's so much I'm willing to do for experience. There's so much I'm willing to sacrifice just to have stories to tell later. I'm always ready to go to the ends of the Earth for anyone who needs it, but saying yes all the time is exhausting. Exhausting to the point where I'd be up for three days at a time, skipping meals, losing my work ethic, watching my grades fall and getting physically sick from the strain and stress of all of it.

"This is not self-respect," I told myself one night after getting sick for the second time that day. "This is self-destruction. I need to start saying no."

So that's what I did. I started saying no more often. I'm always honest about it. I don't feed people BS excuses like, "Sorry, but I'll be busy that night." I've started telling people "no" and following it up with things like, "I just need some time for myself" or "I really have other stuff I need to get taken care of." I've started admitting when I have too much on my plate to take on other things. I've started telling people I'll miss their party because I really need some time to just sit by myself and write. I've started telling people I'm tired when they ask if I have plans.. and it's b e a u t i f u l. It's so freeing to say no to something and to have the other person understand where I'm coming from. But it can be frustrating, too, because not everyone respects that. A lot of people use it against me instead, telling me things like I'm no fun or that I don't make enough time for them.

I'll be honest with you, I used to fight back when it came to getting those reactions. I used to spend hours trying to explain my reasoning for giving them the answer they didn't like. I used to think I could somehow say just the right words and make them understand it all, but over time I learned that all that did was make me angrier and even more tired, so I stopped. The other day I read somewhere that, "self care is also not arguing with people who are committed to misunderstanding you." That sums it up better than I ever could, so I wanted to share that too.
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I need you to hear me when I say this, because this is what so much of mental wellness is centered around and this is a huge part of what's been at the core of my mental health battle:

JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE IS DISSATISFIED WITH THE ANSWER YOU HAVE GIVEN THEM DOES NOT MEAN YOU OWE THEM ANY FURTHER EXPLANATION. 

THIS APPLIES TO EVERY. DAMN. THING. YOU. DO. 

If you say you can't go to their party and they're unhappy about it, let them be unhappy. Don't go because you feel like you have to. If you want to get a tattoo and they ask you why, "because I can" IS a good enough reason. It's your skin and your money. Do whatever the f*** you want. I support you. If you draw something or write something or make whatever kind of art you make and someone asks why you did it the way you did or why you did it when you did it, all you have to say is, "because I wanted to." Anyone who respects your ideas, your expression, your freedom, and most  importantly YOU, will not make you feel like you need to explain yourself. 

Every single time I write something on here, someone gets upset about something in it or points out something about it that they don't like. The majority of feedback I get on here is negative, at about a 10:2 ratio. If I write about a previous experience, someone always asks why I'm so stuck in the past. If I use a metaphor to explain something, someone will ask why I didn't just say what I was trying to say without all the extra words. No matter how much effort I do or don't put into this work, someone always feels the need to tell me how differently they would have done it.. and my response always infuriates them. 

The only thing I'll say to them is, "But you're you, and I'm me. This is my art and I do it the way I want it done, not the way you do." 

Silence usually follows those words, and then I end up getting blocked. Because apparently, me going about my writing my own way is a breeding ground for hatred. I say that not just to tell you about my own story, but also to warn you that people who are bored with their own lives or jealous of your passion will find a reason or a way to try and break you. Don't let them. Stay strong. Keep creating. Don't cater to them. Don't alter your work to fit their desires. Don't change what you're doing because of how you think it will be received. 

And I've got news for you- that advice doesn't just apply to artists. It's true for everyone. Do whatever it is you need to do to keep your spirit free and your heart light. Listen to the music you enjoy, wear the lipstick color you want to wear, get the tattoo you want to get, go for a run, get lost in a good book, spend your Saturday nights in oversized t-shirts on the couch half asleep if the bar isn't your scene, make tacos at 2 in the morning if you want. 

Just do more of what makes you happy, period. Spend less of your time explaining it to people. They won't understand it anyway. 

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ALSO!!!!!! CONSENT. Let's talk about this real quick, because this is a big one. This one can get very ugly if you aren't a decent enough person to see this as common sense. This is one that I've had issues with. This is one that most people I know have had issues with. This is one that I've seen someone go to prison for. This is one that's caused people to end their own lives. This is not something to joke about. This is real. 

If you do not consent to sexual activity of any kind, or physical touching of any kind, the one and ONLY word you should need is NO. 

If the person asks you why, you do not need to give them a reason. No matter how badly they want one. If you say you do not want to engage in sexual conduct, that in itself should be enough of an explanation- and will be for anyone who has any amount of respect for you. 

DO NOT FEEL OBLIGATED TO PROVIDE JUSTIFICATION FOR YOUR "NO." 

Here's the thing. It is your body and you are in charge of it. Nobody else is. Nobody else is living in YOUR bones, feeling every single fucking thing YOU feel. Nobody else feels the skips in your heartbeat when you're in love. Nobody else feels the burn in your throat when you're crying so hard your voice breaks. Nobody else feels your entire body shaking when you're scared to death. So nobody else gets to rule you. Simple.

If you say no, and they do not respect that, they do not give a damn about you. I promise.

You never owe them sex. Nothing will ever make you owe them sex. Not an engagement ring. Not wedding vows. Nothing. Nothing gives them the power to control you.

You don't need to surrender your body to them the way you hand over the television remote when your episode is over. You are a human being. Don't let them push your buttons until you do what they want you to do. 

No is enough. 

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I'm sorry this post is so long and so all over the place, thrown together as if I have no idea what I'm doing even after I've drafted this more than a hundred times. 

Like I said in the beginning, I really have about twenty other things I should be doing right now. I should be cleaning things up, getting my things ready for work tomorrow, packing up more of my things so I'm ready to move out in two weeks, making dinner since I haven't eaten yet, repainting my nails since they've chipped in about ten different places and probably getting a head start on stuff for next week, too.... but setting aside time to write means the absolute world to me. 

I reach a point emotionally where I can't focus on anything other than turning my thought process into words on paper. Sometimes writing is what it takes for me to be able to successfully remove the metaphorical hands from around my neck that choke me during the ins and outs of everyday life. 

I'm very grateful to have a public place where I can do that. This is where I get back all of that breath, and this is where so many of the moments when I've felt the most alive have taken place.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I typically come here to write when the flowers on my nightstand or my kitchen table have been changed, because I've always seen flowers as being everything I could ever hope to be. Strong and beautiful, but also delicate, temporary if taken advantage of for their looks alone and not properly cared for, and unwilling to tolerate treatment that's less than kind and consistent. 

It's the petals that are pretty, but there's so much more to them than that. It's the stems that are strong. It's the roots that keep them living. 

I've been making every effort in the world to plant myself deeply in good soil, where the people around me provide me with light and help me bloom so I'm pretty and strong. Gardening isn't my thing, but the growth of myself and those around me is inspiring. 

I've written, now, so my lungs feel open and full of breath again. Both sets of flowers have been changed, so I believe it's time for a drink of water and some rest. 

Thank you.

 I love you.
Stay strong, support each other, and respect yourself.

Goodnight.