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indescribable. // raw diary entry 3.4.19

I'll try to keep it short since it's been more than 30 hours without sleep and since my eyes burn from crying for most of those.

I'll keep it brutally honest and real with you because if I was anything else I'd be wasting your time and my own.

I've written more than 300 pages worth of emotion out in ink over the last couple days and I'm not even close to done. My hands ache from writing as furiously as I can so I don't forget to make note of everything that's happening in my head right now. I had to buy an entire new set of pens because I kept writing until my fingers were blistered and my pens were dry. I got a little bit drunk and tried to stay distracted, but there's only so much you can do when you don't know what's going on in your own world.

If you're someone who's been asking me if I'm okay, I don't know how to answer you in words. Yes, and no, and maybe, and I'm getting better in some moments, and in other moments everything sucks again, and it's taking everything out of me but I'm also more inspired than ever, and sometimes shit really gets to me that probably shouldn't but I don't know how to make it stop.

I feel very vulnerable and very numb and my recent days have been blurry. I'm feeling everything and nothing all at once right now. I know I've been distant at times and I've gotten very angry and defensive very quickly. I know I've sent texts at 3 a.m. that have made no sense at all or that seem crazy. I've gotten back in touch with people I hadn't spoken to in years prior to this week and I've fallen out of touch with people I'm used to speaking to every day of my life.

I've woken up feeling hungover on the heaviness of everything I'm mentally having to navigate and it is indescribable.

Songs have hit me a little harder lately, days have seemed a little too long, everything is exhausting and I'm not myself at all but I understand that healing takes time and that progress is a process. I don't owe you my story, so it's okay for me to tell you what I've told you and not give you any explanation as to why things are the way they are for me. You wouldn't understand it unless you've lived it anyway, and it's indescribable in a bad way that you and I should both hope you'll never have to know.

But one of my favorite things about feeling pain is that as a writer, I'm able to channel that into creating. My inspiration to take what I'm feeling and to make it beautiful on pages has never been stronger- so I can assure you that a lot of high quality poetry, blog posts, and heartfelt messages will make their way to you as soon as I'm able to figure this out. In the meantime, know this:

Anyone who makes you doubt your worth is someone you need to walk away from.
The time you've spent, the memories you've made, and the life you've lived with them is no reason to keep toxic people around. 
You are allowed to remove yourself from people and from situations that rob you of your peace of mind. It is not your job to continue giving chances to people who take those chances (and you) for granted. 
Your mental health matters, a lot, and anyone who isn't willing to foster it with you is unworthy of even a second of your time. 
If you are unhappy, walk away. 
You deserve to feel loved and valued.
You deserve to be reminded of those things constantly.
You deserve to be able to sleep at night.
You deserve to rest assured that you are capable, worthy, strong, beautiful, and all the other things that the people you love should remind you of often.
It is okay to break sometimes, too.
It is more than okay to admit that you're having a bad day or that you just feel off.
But be there for your people no matter what.
No exceptions.

One thing I will always do when I'm done ranting to you about whatever I'm going through is I will ask you how you're doing and I'll demand you be honest with me about it. I do that for a lot of reasons, but mostly because I understand that everyone is always going through something that most people won't know about. Everyone will always have something to get off of their chest and everyone needs someone they can do that with. Everyone needs a safe person to come to in their worst moments, and I promise I will always be that person for you if and when you need me. Because let's be honest here, life is really f***ing hard.

I write these diary entries like I'm talking to you but in all honesty, I write these for myself. The person I'm really talking to right now is me, but I love that you're here with me.

I know things are hard now.
I know things have been tougher than they ought to be.
I know you're tired.
I know.
And I also know everything will be fine.

I say we pour a glass of wine, take a hot bath, check on the people we love and call it a night.

xox
you are indescribable
don't you dare forget it










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