"Isn't that obvious?" a stranger just leaned in and asked me.
Two minutes later he opened class by asking the same question he always does.
"What's new with you guys?"
Which seems like a very tiny thing, because it is, but there's more to it. Professors like him are important because they allow connection to happen between themselves and their students on a very casual level. A very human level.
It opens dialogue. It gives everyone involved a better chance of understanding each other. Networking happens because small talk leads into bigger conversations about more meaningful things and before you know it, somebody knows somebody who can do something and it's only up from there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Also, I don't think I've ever felt more human than I have when it comes to heartbreak.
Last summer I went on three or four dates with a guy I had let myself fall for... hard. We'd pace up and down bookstore shelves on rainy nights, binge The Office, do face masks, get breakfast, play mini golf, listen to vinyl records, go for long drives, everything. But more than anything, we'd have deep conversations about a lot of things. Honesty, relationships, fears, insecurities, favorite memories, you name it.
"It's been forever since I've been in a relationship and I don't usually jump into things this fast and I'm not going to lie, it scares me," he told me one afternoon. "But you're different. I've never felt like this about anyone."
We talked at length about how we were on the same page in that sense, and then one day I was sitting at work when he texted me that he didn't want to be together. I did what was normal to me at that point- the only way I knew how to handle that pain.
I deleted his number, blocked him on my social media, and told myself I wouldn't talk to him again. That went on for about two months and then one day, out of the blue, I got a "Hey, how have you been?" text from what I remembered was his number.
The old me would've hated me for it, but I answered. And before long, we were catching each other up on what we had been missing out on. As friends. At one point, he told me he had thrown away the coloring book page I had completed with him and somehow it reminded me of how badly he had upset me when he ended everything so I didn't hold back.. I ranted to him about it.
"Don't do this," he told me. "I'm sorry and I'm still sorry, so stop bringing it up."
"You hurt me though," I said, and then I followed it with one of the truest things I've ever said in my entire life.
"It's really important that you let me be upset about it because I'll get over it a lot faster if my emotions don't get suppressed.. thank you."
Several minutes went by, and then he responded.
"As long as you do the same for me."
We talked for hours that day, just about the situation and about why things happened the way they did- and I think we both felt infinitely better about everything. For the first time ever, I didn't regret falling for someone. I didn't regret letting myself get attached. I didn't regret giving him the chance to break my heart.
I was glad I had opened up to someone and let them into my life. I felt lucky that that person stuck around, even after things were said and feelings were hurt- as a friend. Someone who would still understand all my The Office references and be there when I needed him. Someone who would still send me songs from his Spotify lists and pictures of his dogs and tell me every time he bought new artwork.
Someone who would stay, and remind me that it's okay to feel things deeply, and be honest about it, and let me know that the human heart is capable of being full again after it breaks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I went to Kansas City the week before that heartbreak happened, to see the Taylor Swift Reputation Stadium Tour with my mom and one of our best friends.
The weather had been weird, and we were worried it'd be rainy and cold that evening. It wasn't. It was clear and sunny the entire evening, but Taylor's previous shows had gone on through downpours and she had caught a cold.
Halfway through the show, she paused the music.
"I have to be honest with you, Kansas City, I do have a tiny, tiny bit of a cold and so, I'm going to blow my nose but I'm really insecure about it so if you could like, I don't know, make some noise or something like you've been doing all evening..... that would be really cool and it would make me feel a lot better about this moment."
Any other artist I know or have ever seen perform live would've blown their nose during a break or a costume change, doing their best to make sure the audience never even noticed. Part of what I love so much about Taylor's shows is she isn't afraid to be human. She's not concerned with making sure everything goes perfectly. She's real and she tells it like it is.
When the microphones started failing, she paused the song and the show all together.
"We're having some technical difficulties as you may have noticed, but our audio crews will take care of it, don't worry Kansas City," and then went on to thank all of her tech crew for the work they put on throughout the tour.
"These people are amazing," she told us. "They're the ones who stay long after we all go home tonight and every night of this tour, cleaning up all this confetti we're all leaving everywhere."
As she was finishing thanking them, the audio was back to normal.
"Thanks for being patient with us, that's so cool of you, KC," she said as she picked up where she left off and finished out the show.
Another example of being human- she was honest. She didn't try to play it off like there weren't problems. She embraced them and she let us in. She wasn't worried about being a superstar- she was one of us and she knew we loved her no matter what.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm sitting in a Starbucks with my blog book open, and I'm guessing he had seen the title I'd written at the top of the page in bold letters.
"You are human above all else."
"It's easy to know," I told him. "We all know it. But I feel like it's easy to forget."
And then I grabbed my pens, closed the book, got up and left before he could question me again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I came up with this title several years ago, before I had even lived the stories that will now go along with it, and I've brought it up when people have asked me about what I intend to write next. I've always wondered when I'd actually be able to publish it.
If you know me, you know that it takes me years to publish some pieces. Most of my blogging is actually just me sitting here alone, writing brief journal entries and notes about the things that have gone on in my life each day. Eventually I start to see themes evolve, and that's when I start piecing things together for different posts. If you've spent considerable amounts of time around me, you've probably dealt with me pausing a conversation to open a note or make a voice memo on my phone so I don't forget something. You've probably noticed me go quiet and stare blankly at nothing as I take down mental notes of things I know I'll want to share with the world in words later on- so thank you. Thank you for being patient with me and with this process.
Nothing makes me happier than finally sharing these things with you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Several weeks ago one of my guy friends told me he felt like crying and followed that with, "I know that's stupid and I know I'm overreacting but..." and my heart broke a little bit.
"How you feel isn't stupid, you're entitled to it," I told him. "Allow it to happen, you'll heal faster."
I left it at that, but later that night I started thinking more about how important emotional vulnerability has become in my own life.
I used to be very closed off in terms of how I felt. I wouldn't tell people anything. I'd cut people out of my life entirely, block them from contacting me, and make myself promise to never open up to anyone again under any circumstances. I'd answer my own parents with one or two words at most, lock myself in my room for hours on end and never speak my mind. I developed nervous habits that worsened as I got older, eventually landing me crying in my dad's arms one night when he and my mom found me crying so hard I couldn't breathe and bleeding from scratches I'd carved into my arms. I was self-destructing. I didn't know what else to do, but I knew I never wanted anyone else to find themselves there the way I had. That's why I started studying Psychology, and that's why I so highly encourage people to be open and honest with what they're going through. I never was, and I learned the hard way how dangerous that is. I've never been more determined to make people feel safe and secure in their humanity.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just a couple days ago I was running right on time for my 12:30 p.m. lecture. I had slept past my alarms, woke up with a sore throat, and for the first time in forever I was genuinely dreading going to class. But I did go, and when I got there I gave my professor advance notice that I wasn't feeling well and might leave early.
"Hey, thanks for even showing up," he told me. "We're human and stuff happens, don't worry about it."
"Hey, thanks for even showing up," he told me. "We're human and stuff happens, don't worry about it."
Two minutes later he opened class by asking the same question he always does.
"What's new with you guys?"
Which seems like a very tiny thing, because it is, but there's more to it. Professors like him are important because they allow connection to happen between themselves and their students on a very casual level. A very human level.
It opens dialogue. It gives everyone involved a better chance of understanding each other. Networking happens because small talk leads into bigger conversations about more meaningful things and before you know it, somebody knows somebody who can do something and it's only up from there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Also, I don't think I've ever felt more human than I have when it comes to heartbreak.
Last summer I went on three or four dates with a guy I had let myself fall for... hard. We'd pace up and down bookstore shelves on rainy nights, binge The Office, do face masks, get breakfast, play mini golf, listen to vinyl records, go for long drives, everything. But more than anything, we'd have deep conversations about a lot of things. Honesty, relationships, fears, insecurities, favorite memories, you name it.
"It's been forever since I've been in a relationship and I don't usually jump into things this fast and I'm not going to lie, it scares me," he told me one afternoon. "But you're different. I've never felt like this about anyone."
We talked at length about how we were on the same page in that sense, and then one day I was sitting at work when he texted me that he didn't want to be together. I did what was normal to me at that point- the only way I knew how to handle that pain.
I deleted his number, blocked him on my social media, and told myself I wouldn't talk to him again. That went on for about two months and then one day, out of the blue, I got a "Hey, how have you been?" text from what I remembered was his number.
The old me would've hated me for it, but I answered. And before long, we were catching each other up on what we had been missing out on. As friends. At one point, he told me he had thrown away the coloring book page I had completed with him and somehow it reminded me of how badly he had upset me when he ended everything so I didn't hold back.. I ranted to him about it.
"Don't do this," he told me. "I'm sorry and I'm still sorry, so stop bringing it up."
"You hurt me though," I said, and then I followed it with one of the truest things I've ever said in my entire life.
"It's really important that you let me be upset about it because I'll get over it a lot faster if my emotions don't get suppressed.. thank you."
Several minutes went by, and then he responded.
"As long as you do the same for me."
We talked for hours that day, just about the situation and about why things happened the way they did- and I think we both felt infinitely better about everything. For the first time ever, I didn't regret falling for someone. I didn't regret letting myself get attached. I didn't regret giving him the chance to break my heart.
I was glad I had opened up to someone and let them into my life. I felt lucky that that person stuck around, even after things were said and feelings were hurt- as a friend. Someone who would still understand all my The Office references and be there when I needed him. Someone who would still send me songs from his Spotify lists and pictures of his dogs and tell me every time he bought new artwork.
Someone who would stay, and remind me that it's okay to feel things deeply, and be honest about it, and let me know that the human heart is capable of being full again after it breaks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I went to Kansas City the week before that heartbreak happened, to see the Taylor Swift Reputation Stadium Tour with my mom and one of our best friends.
The weather had been weird, and we were worried it'd be rainy and cold that evening. It wasn't. It was clear and sunny the entire evening, but Taylor's previous shows had gone on through downpours and she had caught a cold.
Halfway through the show, she paused the music.
"I have to be honest with you, Kansas City, I do have a tiny, tiny bit of a cold and so, I'm going to blow my nose but I'm really insecure about it so if you could like, I don't know, make some noise or something like you've been doing all evening..... that would be really cool and it would make me feel a lot better about this moment."
Any other artist I know or have ever seen perform live would've blown their nose during a break or a costume change, doing their best to make sure the audience never even noticed. Part of what I love so much about Taylor's shows is she isn't afraid to be human. She's not concerned with making sure everything goes perfectly. She's real and she tells it like it is.
When the microphones started failing, she paused the song and the show all together.
"We're having some technical difficulties as you may have noticed, but our audio crews will take care of it, don't worry Kansas City," and then went on to thank all of her tech crew for the work they put on throughout the tour.
"These people are amazing," she told us. "They're the ones who stay long after we all go home tonight and every night of this tour, cleaning up all this confetti we're all leaving everywhere."
As she was finishing thanking them, the audio was back to normal.
"Thanks for being patient with us, that's so cool of you, KC," she said as she picked up where she left off and finished out the show.
Another example of being human- she was honest. She didn't try to play it off like there weren't problems. She embraced them and she let us in. She wasn't worried about being a superstar- she was one of us and she knew we loved her no matter what.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last but not least, my mom brought home a fresh bouquet a couple days ago and said, "Sometimes a girl just has to get herself some flowers."
Half delirious from my high fever, I got up just to take a picture of them. Ten minutes later she brought a small vase with a few of them in it to me to keep in my room.
They're sitting beside me now, on my desk between a jar of peanut butter and a bottle of whiskey- and I'm realizing that this life.. this being human.. this experience is something I wouldn't trade for the world even though it's easy to get caught up in and overwhelmed by.
So yes, to the man in the Starbucks who asked, the fact that I'm human and the fact that we're all human is obvious. But I really do feel like the fact that we're human above all else is easy to forget.
It's easy to get caught up in feelings and to feel like our worlds are crashing down even when they're not. It's easy to be mean to ourselves and to let ourselves think that our circumstances define who we are. It's easy to let school and grades cause us stress even when we know that failing is a crucial part of the human experience and the process of growth. It's easy to get our hopes up and fall for people we think are right for us even when we don't have any idea what we're doing. It's easy to get our hearts broken and to think we aren't good enough for anyone or that we'll never be happy. It's easy to want to be perfect and to be fearful of being anything less. It's easy to be insecure about normal human things like puffy eyes after crying or blowing your nose. It's easy to forget that we're human; messy and flawed and full of weird little quirks and all kinds of chaos. It's easy to lose sight of the fact that we're human above all else.
We're human before we're students or employees or spouses or leaders or friends or children or parents or w h a t e v e r. Human first.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Half delirious from my high fever, I got up just to take a picture of them. Ten minutes later she brought a small vase with a few of them in it to me to keep in my room.
So yes, to the man in the Starbucks who asked, the fact that I'm human and the fact that we're all human is obvious. But I really do feel like the fact that we're human above all else is easy to forget.
It's easy to get caught up in feelings and to feel like our worlds are crashing down even when they're not. It's easy to be mean to ourselves and to let ourselves think that our circumstances define who we are. It's easy to let school and grades cause us stress even when we know that failing is a crucial part of the human experience and the process of growth. It's easy to get our hopes up and fall for people we think are right for us even when we don't have any idea what we're doing. It's easy to get our hearts broken and to think we aren't good enough for anyone or that we'll never be happy. It's easy to want to be perfect and to be fearful of being anything less. It's easy to be insecure about normal human things like puffy eyes after crying or blowing your nose. It's easy to forget that we're human; messy and flawed and full of weird little quirks and all kinds of chaos. It's easy to lose sight of the fact that we're human above all else.
We're human before we're students or employees or spouses or leaders or friends or children or parents or w h a t e v e r. Human first.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't know who you are if you're reading this post right now. I don't know what you're going through emotionally or where you are in your life. I don't know if you're crying yourself to sleep over someone who doesn't deserve you or if you're wine drunk on your couch laughing with people who make you smile so much your face hurts. I don't know what your day has been like and I don't know what your life has been like, but I do know that I want you to feel safe. I want you to know that you are entitled to whatever you're feeling and that you don't need to push those feelings aside for any reason. I want you to know that your humanity matters and that you really are human above all else.
Above all your insecurities. Above your deepest fears. Above anything that's ever kept you awake until early hours of the morning for better or for worse. Above whatever circumstances you find yourself in in this moment and in every one that comes after.
thank you.
i love you.
work hard.
keep your head up.
check on each other.
buy yourself flowers.
be honest.
be open.
be human.
we've got a week to finish and people to love.
let's get it.
when we wake up, that is.
goodnight.
xox
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