Who Cares? Just Have Fun.

A lot has changed since 14 year old me sat down to blog for the first time ever. Everything, really. Almost every element of my life is different now than it was when I really started to discover how important it was for me to have a platform where I could speak my mind as freely as I wanted to.

I've spent the last (almost) decade of my life sitting here just like I am now- buried in piles of pages covered in draft copies of the things I want to tell you and notes to myself about how I want to tell it all. Spending hours, weeks, months, and in some cases as much as years crafting these posts is something I can honestly say I've been doing for just about half of as long as I've been a part of this world.

14 year old me would be angry at the woman who's sitting here now, putting my to-do list to the side just so I can write. She would roll her eyes at me and tell me I'm wasting my time. She would remind me that I have other more important things to focus on, and she would also wonder who the hell I've turned into.. because I'm not at all like her anymore. Parts of her still speak to me, softly, from the very back of my mind- but that's as much power as she has. I don't think she'd ever believe me if I told her I'm who she'd eventually become. If she saw all the ink on my skin or the bottles of whiskey and tequila on my desk, her only question would be how I've allowed this to happen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't know how long you've been reading my work or keeping up with my life, but when I was a senior in high school I published a piece in which I talked about the importance of seizing opportunity. I shared the story of my senior prom, telling you about how I complained to my mom that me walking in alone would look pathetic, and how she responded with, "Who cares? Just have fun." 

That's the mindset I've worked hard to adopt since the second I heard those words, and that's the way I've chosen to attempt life in the years that have followed. 

I've made an effort to not care so much about what other people think and to shut out the voices in the back of my own mind that seem to say, "this is wrong, this isn't like what others are doing, this isn't how it's supposed to be, you shouldn't be doing this, stop it."

And there is no doubt in my mind that in terms of the people I'm surrounded by, I couldn't be any luckier. Sometimes all I need is a game night. A night with girls, good food, funny stories, margaritas, lots of photos, ice cream sundaes and a chance to get lost in really living. Just a few hours, at the end of a long week, to completely immerse myself in the company of people who remind me every day to be resilient and bold.

I want to thank the women in this picture in particular, and all the women in my life who have continuously set a great example for me. I want these women to know that without them, I wouldn't know how to be a good reporter or how to take risks or the right way to do a tequila shot. I wouldn't be myself if it wasn't for them and their strength. 

To the woman I am becoming, please follow their lead. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Weekend before last, I broke my own rules. I had homework to do, an exam to study for, a job to go to, a room to clean, etc... but instead I drove for 6 hours with my best friend to go to a concert. I took two days off of work, packed a suitcase, booked a hotel room and spent the weekend in Dallas. Not reading, not studying, not making sure deadlines were met. Just being present in the moment with my best friend, jamming to entire playlists at a time between conversations about anything. 

And the concert was amazing. King Princess slayed. 

We spent 5 hours in line, hiding under an umbrella in the rain with girls and a guy we had never met before. We told each other stories about things we were feeling or things we had gone through and how we had all ended up there. Even after the music stopped and the bright lights died out and we could finally feel our own heartbeats again, we couldn't let each other go. It was midnight when we got to the 24 hour pizza cafe, and it was so nice outside we were able to sit on the patio knocking out pizza after pizza while we talked more about our lives.

My best friend and I got back to our hotel, into pajamas and were laughing about who knows what by the time we realized we were coming off of a high that you can't experience any other way. 

Around 3 a.m. we both fell asleep with ringing ears, sore throats and dancing hearts. 

We knew the wake up call early that next morning would be rough, and 14 year old me would've been upset that we hadn't come right home to sleep. 

I whispered one thing to myself as I stayed up way longer than I should've.

"Who cares? Just have fun."

And it worked. 

The wake up call was rough, and we did sleep through 3 different alarms and almost missed the hotel breakfast.. but we gave that night everything we had and it was the most fun we had had in forever.

Halfway through the long drive home, we stopped at Waffle House and if you know me, you know how happy I was to be home. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But coming back to Wichita meant getting right back into the swing on things, jumping back into my insanely hectic routines and barely having time to breathe. 

14 year old me would be studying right now since I have a quiz in 30 minutes, but the version of me who is making every effort to feel whole is sitting in the Starbucks writing furiously, as if my life depends on it, because I know this is the only chance I'll have this week to do this. 

"The challenge is not to be perfect... it is to be whole." - Jane Fonda

At the beginning of the month I flipped my calendar only to find that these words were the motto for February, and they couldn't have come at a better time. These are the words I repeat to myself several times a day, and I think these words would be the advice I'd give to 14 year old me if I could go back. 

14 year old me, those words are why I allowed so many things to change since you knew me. You wanted to be perfect, you wanted everything to be perfect- and I wanted to be whole. I started outgrowing you moment by moment and experience after experience. As soon as I realized how much potential there was for us to evolve as a person, I started craving it... and that's how we've ended up here. That's how life turned you into the girl who is telling these stories to the world now. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The bulletin board is something I've kept hanging in my creative corner because it's covered in things that remind me of how chaotic and wonderful my life is. I've put everything on there.

Polaroids from moments I never want to forget.

Fortune cookie fortunes that spoke to me.

Notes I've received.

Tickets from shows and concerts I've been to.

Awards from things I've put my heart and soul into.

My rock climbing license that required my blood, sweat and tears... literally.

Badges from jobs I've been lucky enough to land.

Everything. 

All of that is what I see when I sit down to write. 

That's what keeps me from losing my mind when I check my calendar and realize I really probably should be doing other things. 

"Who cares? Just have fun," is what I tell myself when my life starts getting a little too chaotic. I keep telling myself to stop focusing on being perfect or making sure everything goes as perfectly as it can. I keep reminding myself that my focus now is on growing and being whole. 

14 year old me, please forgive me, life is harder than it was when we were one girl.

To the woman I am becoming, you've got this.

keep breaking your own rules. keep making time for the people who matter. keep laughing. keep living the way you want. keep writing even when you only have two minutes of peace. keep working hard. keep loving harder. but most importantly keep caring less and less about what anyone else thinks, and keep having fun. 

xox