Yesterday morning I woke up with one of the worst migraines I've ever had in my entire life. One of those splitting headaches that made me want to just crawl back into bed, bury myself beneath my blankets again and sleep until the pain went away. But I knew, from the moment I woke up, that I wouldn't be able to do that.
I knew I had errands to run, a job to get to, a messy room to clean up from the weekend before, packing to finish, homework assignments to do, emails to respond to, class to participate in, textbooks still to buy, bills to pay and people to catch up with- so I did what I could to ignore the pain in my head.
I snuggled up with my dog for a few minutes, then forced myself out of bed and into business casual clothing for another busy shift at work. I took an Ibuprofen and chugged a bottle and a half of water. I ordered a coffee, got organized, washed my face with warm water and hoped with all of my being that things would go smoothly from there forward.
Frankly, I didn't just hope they would. I needed them to.
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Before 2019 had ever started, I had made a promise to myself that I would do better and be better. I promised I'd try harder. I promised I'd be more present. I promised myself I wouldn't let my insanely busy life destroy my mental health or stop me from going to every effort to make sure the people I love really and truly know how much I love them. I promised myself I'd be more present in their lives on top of my own. I promised I'd allow myself to write more regularly and more honestly.
I will not lie to you, it's hard. It is extremely difficult. All of it. Physically, emotionally, financially.. it's just really, really tough.
I've spent $800 on textbooks alone in the past 8 days and have been struggling to make it to bed before 2 a.m. every single night. My days feel like marathons just from running back and forth from job to job and/or class to class. My to-do list never shrinks because something gets added each time something gets crossed off.
This weekend I'm going on a sort of spontaneous trip to Dallas with my best friend, which means I've added a few more things to my already long list of things I really should be focusing on. Packing, making lists, buying snacks, booking a hotel, etc. I've needed a road trip for a while, particularly with her, for that exact reason. Life has been getting more and more chaotic lately, and I've seen her maybe three times over the course of last semester and the beginning of this one. We live 8 minutes apart. We've needed to get away from the reality of obligations, so we got concert tickets.
The thing about being gone for the weekend, though, is that alllllllllllll the things I would be getting done during that time are having to get done this week, and 1 day earlier than that so I can spend my last evening in town with my boyfriend and better half. Nothing motivates me to power through a long and hectic week like knowing I'll get to snuggle up beside him and feel entirely at peace by the end of it.
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I don't know. Maybe it's because I got thrown into the semester last minute due to circumstances beyond my control, or maybe it's because lately I've been making a point to spend more time with my people instead of locking myself in my room and staying neck deep in deadlines... but I sort of feel like I'm just now catching up and catching my breath.
Either way, I know several things.
I know that I'm going to continue to work as hard as I can so I can love harder. I know I'm going to keep myself accountable. I know that I'm going to continue focusing on balancing the ever-increasing chaos of my life with the people who calm my soul and feed my spirit.
I know I'm going to pause for a moment every time I see a beautiful sunset, even if it means I'm a few minutes late to wherever I'm going, because I think a sunset is the way the world decides to whisper to me, "you're almost done with the day but don't rest quite yet, extraordinary moments can still happen."
Which I guess it decided I needed to hear yesterday evening, while I was on my way from my shift at work to my night class and on my 3rd Ibuprofen/second cup of coffee of the day.
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And I know that I took this time to blog when I should've had my nose buried in a book or been making sure my laundry was done... but that stuff can wait.
I desperately needed this moment to write because I have no way to know when my next chance will be.
My head doesn't hurt anymore, my to-do list is fairly small for the moment, my house is quiet, my email inboxes are empty, my suitcase is packed, the sun has finished setting, and for right now, everything is good.
This is the craziest my life has ever been... and simultaneously the best. Thank you for being someone who makes it that way.
I knew I had errands to run, a job to get to, a messy room to clean up from the weekend before, packing to finish, homework assignments to do, emails to respond to, class to participate in, textbooks still to buy, bills to pay and people to catch up with- so I did what I could to ignore the pain in my head.
I snuggled up with my dog for a few minutes, then forced myself out of bed and into business casual clothing for another busy shift at work. I took an Ibuprofen and chugged a bottle and a half of water. I ordered a coffee, got organized, washed my face with warm water and hoped with all of my being that things would go smoothly from there forward.
Frankly, I didn't just hope they would. I needed them to.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Before 2019 had ever started, I had made a promise to myself that I would do better and be better. I promised I'd try harder. I promised I'd be more present. I promised myself I wouldn't let my insanely busy life destroy my mental health or stop me from going to every effort to make sure the people I love really and truly know how much I love them. I promised myself I'd be more present in their lives on top of my own. I promised I'd allow myself to write more regularly and more honestly.
I will not lie to you, it's hard. It is extremely difficult. All of it. Physically, emotionally, financially.. it's just really, really tough.
I've spent $800 on textbooks alone in the past 8 days and have been struggling to make it to bed before 2 a.m. every single night. My days feel like marathons just from running back and forth from job to job and/or class to class. My to-do list never shrinks because something gets added each time something gets crossed off.
This weekend I'm going on a sort of spontaneous trip to Dallas with my best friend, which means I've added a few more things to my already long list of things I really should be focusing on. Packing, making lists, buying snacks, booking a hotel, etc. I've needed a road trip for a while, particularly with her, for that exact reason. Life has been getting more and more chaotic lately, and I've seen her maybe three times over the course of last semester and the beginning of this one. We live 8 minutes apart. We've needed to get away from the reality of obligations, so we got concert tickets.
The thing about being gone for the weekend, though, is that alllllllllllll the things I would be getting done during that time are having to get done this week, and 1 day earlier than that so I can spend my last evening in town with my boyfriend and better half. Nothing motivates me to power through a long and hectic week like knowing I'll get to snuggle up beside him and feel entirely at peace by the end of it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't know. Maybe it's because I got thrown into the semester last minute due to circumstances beyond my control, or maybe it's because lately I've been making a point to spend more time with my people instead of locking myself in my room and staying neck deep in deadlines... but I sort of feel like I'm just now catching up and catching my breath.
Either way, I know several things.
I know that I'm going to continue to work as hard as I can so I can love harder. I know I'm going to keep myself accountable. I know that I'm going to continue focusing on balancing the ever-increasing chaos of my life with the people who calm my soul and feed my spirit.
I know I'm going to pause for a moment every time I see a beautiful sunset, even if it means I'm a few minutes late to wherever I'm going, because I think a sunset is the way the world decides to whisper to me, "you're almost done with the day but don't rest quite yet, extraordinary moments can still happen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And I know that I took this time to blog when I should've had my nose buried in a book or been making sure my laundry was done... but that stuff can wait.
I desperately needed this moment to write because I have no way to know when my next chance will be.
My head doesn't hurt anymore, my to-do list is fairly small for the moment, my house is quiet, my email inboxes are empty, my suitcase is packed, the sun has finished setting, and for right now, everything is good.
This is the craziest my life has ever been... and simultaneously the best. Thank you for being someone who makes it that way.
goodnight.
xox
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