I've been breathing a lot more lately, and I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking that because breathing is a crucial element in the concept of staying alive, me telling you that I'm breathing is BEYOND obvious. Right?
Wrong.
In and of itself, breathing is the easiest thing to do. It's done implicitly- without thought and without effort. Easy. Insignificant. But the act isn't the only thing I'm talking about. I'm talking about sitting down and really focusing on giving myself time to B R E A T H E.
But it's hard to remember to give myself time to breathe when I'm frantically finishing homework assignments, driving from job to job, constantly chasing new stories, keeping track of finances, making sure deadlines are met, dedicating time to my own creative writing, checking my agenda every five minutes to make sure I don't forget about social obligations, spending enough time with my family, and remembering to eat something so I'm not doing ALL the things I do on an empty stomach. Except for coffee, of course, which I'm incredibly grateful for.
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People recently have been telling me that I do too much. That I'm too involved, that I volunteer for too many things, that I stress myself out more than I should and that I shouldn't live my life that way. What people don't seem to realize though, is that I wouldn't change anything about what I'm doing.
Yes, nearly every space on my calendar is full. Yes, I'm pretty much always running from one thing to the next, doing my best to manage my time and get everything done the best that I can and as efficiently as I can. But I'm doing it all because I love what I get to do. I work with incredible people, I have a great support system, and every day I get to discover more and more about myself and the world.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple weeks ago was one of the busiest Wednesdays of my life. It was one of those picture-perfect chaotic and frustrating middle-of-the-week days, when I wasn't sure how I'd managed to make it that far and I was pretty convinced I wouldn't make it to the weekend.
But while I was practically sprinting from my interview that had gone an HOUR longer than I'd expected to my class which started in exactly 3 minutes, a monarch butterfly flew right into my face and onto the bridge of my nose before it bounced off.
I stopped walking. "That's a sign," I thought to myself. "That's the world reminding me that even the most beautiful parts of life can and will hit me hard."
I sat there for a few minutes, just breathing. I was okay with being a couple minutes late to class after that. The universe had known what I needed, and it couldn't have come up with a better way to give it to me.
And I made it to the weekend, too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Since then, I've been realizing more and more how important it is to take time away from obligations and to make time for myself.
I used to be a "get all homework done on Friday night so I have the whole weekend" kind of person, but now I take naps on Friday afternoons, go to dinner and a movie with my best friend on Saturday nights, and do most of my homework on Sunday evenings.
I put more miles on my car now than I used to, and my bank account is smaller because I've bought more grande coffees and bath bombs than a girl should, but I'm happier.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little over a week ago a piece of broken glass went through my foot and got stuck. After pulling it out and washing blood out of my foot for an hour, my best friend invited me to dinner at my favorite restaurant with her siblings.
"I'll pay," she told me. She didn't even have to ask me what I wanted. She ordered for me and got it right- even the extra order of egg rolls. I love her.
After dinner she went with me to the drugstore and stood with me in the first-aid aisle telling me what to buy so we could clean the wound and keep it safe. When we got home, she put ointment and gauze on it before wrapping it tightly and making sure it was okay.
All I did was sit back, soak in the moment and breathe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Another few weeks ago after a frustrating day full of barely meeting deadlines and freaking out that I would miss the next one, another one of my close friends sent me a photo of the most recent edition of our college newspaper with both of our bylines on the same page. For the first time that day, I felt like I could breathe. Suddenly the approaching deadlines weren't what mattered. Her friendship was.
And on the surface that sounds lame, but our entire friendship only ever happened because on the first day of my junior year in the journalism room of my high school she turned to me and said, "hey, my dad knows your mom, wanna be friends?"
Journalism brought her into my life, journalism is damn well going to keep her here. #partylikeajournalist
That's the thing about doing what you love, I guess. You learn who you are, you learn how to genuinely love people, and your love for them becomes so real that you don't know how you'd be alive without them because they are sometimes the only thing reminding you to breathe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm going to share with you, now, a collection of things that have happened in my life recently that AREN'T about school and that AREN'T about work. As much of my world as those things make up, they are not my entire life.
And what you're going to notice about these things is they all seem very normal. They all seem like things that don't deserve a blog post. That's exactly why I've chosen them. That's exactly why they are here, and why I'm writing this right now. By themselves, they're nothing. Together they're a lesson.
I've got a research paper to work on, a story to write still, a couple of homework assignments to get done before this weekend and a number of other things that SHOULD be getting my attention right now- but I've turned my attention to these moments instead, and writing this, because for as long as I'm writing I can breathe.
These are things that help me breathe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
First off, this kid. This brother of mine. This incredible, genuine, and loving 17 year old boy who probably won't be in the bedroom right around the corner from mine come November of next year.
As much as he can drive me nuts, I couldn't love him more. From all the times I've gotten tears on his t-shirt sleeves to the summers I've spent watching him swim his way to first place ribbons, he's been an amazing influence and I know I'll be missin' him like crazy soon enough.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Second, that time we packed the whole Tobias family into the car to visit my great Uncle Miles. At 83 years old, he can run but he can't walk. He can tell stories like nobody's business. He saw me for the first time in 16 years that day, and he remembered the last time he had held me as if it had been yesterday.
"You looked at me with those big brown eyes and I knew in that moment.. that you just wanted a bite of my doughnut," he told me, laughing.
And the reason for the trip to see him was that we aren't sure if he'll make it to birthday number 84, so I made sure to tell him as we were leaving that day that I hope I get to see him again.
"Well, I just keep breathing," he said to me as I gathered my things and we all shuffled back into the car for the drive home. "That's the secret to longevity."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Third. Last night was the first Halloween in five years that I've gotten to spend with my best friend. From our first Halloween, it's been our tradition to spend it together. Circumstances that I won't discuss right here or right now didn't allow for that to happen for the last five years.. so last night was the best night in a long time.
Her dad made the chili I fell in love with years ago, and instead of going trick-or-treating ourselves, we chaperoned a group of EIGHT kids. Eight. In 39 degree weather, we circled the same neighborhood path we had walked as kids- just in charge this time. Somewhere between holding a two year old's cold hand, wiping snotty noses and lighting the dark streets with my cell phone flashlight, I realized that life has a beautiful way of bringing you back to the things that matter most- even after five year breaks.
After warming our hands by the fire upon arriving home, I was handed a sleeping infant nuzzled in a pink hoodie as part of her Galinda the good witch costume. I looked at her tiny fingers and her delicate eyelashes as she slept, secretly hoping she'll grow up to be as lucky as I have been.
My mom hates horror movies, but loves good literature. After I had seen Stephen King's new, "IT" movie and declared she should see it, she took me along for her experience.
And it isn't every day I get an ENTIRE day with my mom, so we made the most of it. We got a large popcorn and took plenty of photos. We joked the whole time before and after the movie, talking about all the symbolism and the significance behind the plot of the film. I took her to Starbucks with me afterwards and bought us both coffees, stealing a couple sips of hers and sharing sips of my own with her, too.
But coffee isn't the same without books, so we also explored a cute little local thrifty-style book shop for an hour or so where she captured this picture of me in my element- sipping coffee, reading, and breathing. Not worrying about getting home so I could submit my newspaper story. Not thinking about what all I had to get crossed off of my to-do list in the coming days. Just sitting in an armchair and being content.
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AND CAN WE JUST TAKE A MINUTE FOR NUMBER FIVE.
As a girl, self-love is one of the hardest fucking things to achieve. It's just... it's hard. It's scary. It's frustrating. One minute you feel okay and the next minute you're wondering why you aren't as great or as pretty or as popular and I'm here to say that none of that matters.
What matters is the respect you have for yourself and the appreciation you have for who you are. I took this photo in one of those moments where I had plenty of other WAY more productive things to do, but I felt damn proud of my body and I'm a believer in that when you're proud of something, SOAK THAT IN. SHOW THAT OFF.
SAVE THAT MEMORY. I had no makeup on, my hair wasn't brushed, and I hadn't done anything besides wake up and exist. And of course, breathe.
It felt really good to feel really good, even it was just for those few moments.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Six.
Here are a couple of sunset scenes and proof that the world really is a beautiful place even despite things like hatred and hostilities and heartbreaks.
Last night I dressed as a really lame Taylor Swift, because I only thought up the idea a day and a half earlier and didn't have time to put something better together.
And then I remembered that she has a song called, "Breathe," and the song has a lyric in it that says, "And we know it's never simple, never easy."
She's right. It's never simple and it's never easy.
But you've got to breathe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You're thinking that because breathing is a crucial element in the concept of staying alive, me telling you that I'm breathing is BEYOND obvious. Right?
Wrong.
In and of itself, breathing is the easiest thing to do. It's done implicitly- without thought and without effort. Easy. Insignificant. But the act isn't the only thing I'm talking about. I'm talking about sitting down and really focusing on giving myself time to B R E A T H E.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
People recently have been telling me that I do too much. That I'm too involved, that I volunteer for too many things, that I stress myself out more than I should and that I shouldn't live my life that way. What people don't seem to realize though, is that I wouldn't change anything about what I'm doing.
Yes, nearly every space on my calendar is full. Yes, I'm pretty much always running from one thing to the next, doing my best to manage my time and get everything done the best that I can and as efficiently as I can. But I'm doing it all because I love what I get to do. I work with incredible people, I have a great support system, and every day I get to discover more and more about myself and the world.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple weeks ago was one of the busiest Wednesdays of my life. It was one of those picture-perfect chaotic and frustrating middle-of-the-week days, when I wasn't sure how I'd managed to make it that far and I was pretty convinced I wouldn't make it to the weekend.
But while I was practically sprinting from my interview that had gone an HOUR longer than I'd expected to my class which started in exactly 3 minutes, a monarch butterfly flew right into my face and onto the bridge of my nose before it bounced off.
I stopped walking. "That's a sign," I thought to myself. "That's the world reminding me that even the most beautiful parts of life can and will hit me hard."
I sat there for a few minutes, just breathing. I was okay with being a couple minutes late to class after that. The universe had known what I needed, and it couldn't have come up with a better way to give it to me.
And I made it to the weekend, too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Since then, I've been realizing more and more how important it is to take time away from obligations and to make time for myself.
I used to be a "get all homework done on Friday night so I have the whole weekend" kind of person, but now I take naps on Friday afternoons, go to dinner and a movie with my best friend on Saturday nights, and do most of my homework on Sunday evenings.
I put more miles on my car now than I used to, and my bank account is smaller because I've bought more grande coffees and bath bombs than a girl should, but I'm happier.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little over a week ago a piece of broken glass went through my foot and got stuck. After pulling it out and washing blood out of my foot for an hour, my best friend invited me to dinner at my favorite restaurant with her siblings.
"I'll pay," she told me. She didn't even have to ask me what I wanted. She ordered for me and got it right- even the extra order of egg rolls. I love her.
After dinner she went with me to the drugstore and stood with me in the first-aid aisle telling me what to buy so we could clean the wound and keep it safe. When we got home, she put ointment and gauze on it before wrapping it tightly and making sure it was okay.
All I did was sit back, soak in the moment and breathe.
Another few weeks ago after a frustrating day full of barely meeting deadlines and freaking out that I would miss the next one, another one of my close friends sent me a photo of the most recent edition of our college newspaper with both of our bylines on the same page. For the first time that day, I felt like I could breathe. Suddenly the approaching deadlines weren't what mattered. Her friendship was.
And on the surface that sounds lame, but our entire friendship only ever happened because on the first day of my junior year in the journalism room of my high school she turned to me and said, "hey, my dad knows your mom, wanna be friends?"
Journalism brought her into my life, journalism is damn well going to keep her here. #partylikeajournalist
That's the thing about doing what you love, I guess. You learn who you are, you learn how to genuinely love people, and your love for them becomes so real that you don't know how you'd be alive without them because they are sometimes the only thing reminding you to breathe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm going to share with you, now, a collection of things that have happened in my life recently that AREN'T about school and that AREN'T about work. As much of my world as those things make up, they are not my entire life.
And what you're going to notice about these things is they all seem very normal. They all seem like things that don't deserve a blog post. That's exactly why I've chosen them. That's exactly why they are here, and why I'm writing this right now. By themselves, they're nothing. Together they're a lesson.
I've got a research paper to work on, a story to write still, a couple of homework assignments to get done before this weekend and a number of other things that SHOULD be getting my attention right now- but I've turned my attention to these moments instead, and writing this, because for as long as I'm writing I can breathe.
These are things that help me breathe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
First off, this kid. This brother of mine. This incredible, genuine, and loving 17 year old boy who probably won't be in the bedroom right around the corner from mine come November of next year.
As much as he can drive me nuts, I couldn't love him more. From all the times I've gotten tears on his t-shirt sleeves to the summers I've spent watching him swim his way to first place ribbons, he's been an amazing influence and I know I'll be missin' him like crazy soon enough.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Second, that time we packed the whole Tobias family into the car to visit my great Uncle Miles. At 83 years old, he can run but he can't walk. He can tell stories like nobody's business. He saw me for the first time in 16 years that day, and he remembered the last time he had held me as if it had been yesterday.
"You looked at me with those big brown eyes and I knew in that moment.. that you just wanted a bite of my doughnut," he told me, laughing.
And the reason for the trip to see him was that we aren't sure if he'll make it to birthday number 84, so I made sure to tell him as we were leaving that day that I hope I get to see him again.
"Well, I just keep breathing," he said to me as I gathered my things and we all shuffled back into the car for the drive home. "That's the secret to longevity."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Third. Last night was the first Halloween in five years that I've gotten to spend with my best friend. From our first Halloween, it's been our tradition to spend it together. Circumstances that I won't discuss right here or right now didn't allow for that to happen for the last five years.. so last night was the best night in a long time.
Her dad made the chili I fell in love with years ago, and instead of going trick-or-treating ourselves, we chaperoned a group of EIGHT kids. Eight. In 39 degree weather, we circled the same neighborhood path we had walked as kids- just in charge this time. Somewhere between holding a two year old's cold hand, wiping snotty noses and lighting the dark streets with my cell phone flashlight, I realized that life has a beautiful way of bringing you back to the things that matter most- even after five year breaks.
After warming our hands by the fire upon arriving home, I was handed a sleeping infant nuzzled in a pink hoodie as part of her Galinda the good witch costume. I looked at her tiny fingers and her delicate eyelashes as she slept, secretly hoping she'll grow up to be as lucky as I have been.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh, and the fourth thing! Spending that day with my mama.My mom hates horror movies, but loves good literature. After I had seen Stephen King's new, "IT" movie and declared she should see it, she took me along for her experience.
And it isn't every day I get an ENTIRE day with my mom, so we made the most of it. We got a large popcorn and took plenty of photos. We joked the whole time before and after the movie, talking about all the symbolism and the significance behind the plot of the film. I took her to Starbucks with me afterwards and bought us both coffees, stealing a couple sips of hers and sharing sips of my own with her, too.
AND CAN WE JUST TAKE A MINUTE FOR NUMBER FIVE.
As a girl, self-love is one of the hardest fucking things to achieve. It's just... it's hard. It's scary. It's frustrating. One minute you feel okay and the next minute you're wondering why you aren't as great or as pretty or as popular and I'm here to say that none of that matters.
What matters is the respect you have for yourself and the appreciation you have for who you are. I took this photo in one of those moments where I had plenty of other WAY more productive things to do, but I felt damn proud of my body and I'm a believer in that when you're proud of something, SOAK THAT IN. SHOW THAT OFF.
It felt really good to feel really good, even it was just for those few moments.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Six.
Here are a couple of sunset scenes and proof that the world really is a beautiful place even despite things like hatred and hostilities and heartbreaks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Seven.Last night I dressed as a really lame Taylor Swift, because I only thought up the idea a day and a half earlier and didn't have time to put something better together.
She's right. It's never simple and it's never easy.
But you've got to breathe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have a schedule that doesn't know what "empty" means and a heart that couldn't be fuller.
I am beyond in love.
xox,
the girl with reminders written on her arms & a life full of lessons yet to learn
(thank you for helping me breathe)
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