"You used to be so nice," is something I've heard aimed at me in an accusatory tone more than I care to admit in the recent months, as I've increased the number of instances in which I speak my mind and share my opinions.
They say it, more often than not, in a way that sounds like my accusers have developed a mixed emotion of anger, hated and disappointment towards the person I've become.
What's funny is that who I am hasn't changed. At all. It's not that I'm meaner now than I used to be. It's that I've gained self-respect. It's not that I've become indifferent or that my heart has gone cold. It's that I've stopped tolerating bullshit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I used to let people walk all over me. I used to tolerate emotional abuse and shrug off things that hurt like hell. I used to let people get away with saying horribly destructive things to me and about me. I used to be in denial.
I used to believe that all of those things were things I was supposed to take with a grain of salt and accept, regardless of whether or not they were valid.
I used to hold my tongue in questionable moments- and if I were to make a list of the most foolish things I've ever done, that would be at the very top.
Why?
Because people got used to it. People took comfort in knowing that I was someone they could take advantage of. People abused me, in the sense that they'd say or do as they wished without the fear that I'd possibly stand up against them in my own best interest.
Believe me, be good to people- but know where to draw the line. Without a boundary, people will push until they break you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I first started speaking my mind about things, standing up against things I disagreed with and showing the world that I wasn't willing to silently be victimized anymore, people were shocked.
When I'd say "no" to people I'd always just gone along with, they'd laugh. In most cases, people took my declarations as jokes.
"Yeah right," they'd say other times.
And everything remained a laughing matter to them until they'd realize I was serious. Then it became verbal war.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You're being selfish."
"Stop being a bitch."
"Come on, you said yes last time!"
"Why are you being so rude???"
They'd spit insults that I could've sworn (at the time) would start tsunamis.
Especially every boy's favorite line: "You never loved me."
That's where I've noticed it the most- that people treat you differently when you stop tolerating bullshit. When I've left toxic relationships.
I've left multiple relationships because they got to be damaging to my health. I'd spend more time justifying logical actions than I would on my homework, so not only did my grades slip but I started feeling crazy. I'd get blamed for "giving up too easily" and "not working through things." I'd hear things like "you can't just walk away that easily" and "stop playing with my emotions like it's a game."
Which is nothing more than the most ignorant double standard ever, because you aren't justified in blaming someone for not loving you enough to work through things when you hurt them so badly that they feel that they NEED to leave the situation.
It's the same thing as if you're both drowning, and then at the last minute you both make it up to the surface just in time to get a breath- and then you force each other back under the water again.
And it's almost just as damaging.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In my regular day-to-day life I've stopped tolerating things that I deem toxic to my happiness. I've stopped people from pushing me back under the water. For the most part, that goes okay. Yes, I've been blamed more than once for being unnecessarily short with people or for putting my own best interest before those of others, but people are usually fairly understanding of my logic.
The difference between the people who understand it and those who don't is this:
The people who don't get it blame me for being selfish. The people who do get it recognize that me finally putting myself first is because I've learned, through being abused, the difference between what I do and don't deserve.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When people used to ask me for help, I would help them no matter what- even at the cost of my own success. I used to live half in fear of letting someone down, so I'd put my life on hold to help them as much as I could.
But being a humanitarian became a dangerous habit. It started becoming expected that I'd stay up way too late helping people through their own situations. I'd push my textbooks and my obligations to the side, at the expense of my sleep, my grades and my own family/friends.
I'd wake up exhausted the following mornings, having to cram for exams and cancel evening plans with people I loved just so I could catch up on rest.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My point is this.
When you stop tolerating bullshit, you'll get even more bullshit for it. You'll get called names, people will talk about you in ways you wish they wouldn't, and they'll blame you for being selfish.
They'll blame you for anything they can think of.
Do not let them win. Do not let them make you feel like you should just keep tolerating their bullshit so you won't have to be on anyone's bad side.
Work hard to love people and be good to them, but know yourself enough to know what is toxic to you and be able to walk away from anything that is.
The right people will respect you for it.
They say it, more often than not, in a way that sounds like my accusers have developed a mixed emotion of anger, hated and disappointment towards the person I've become.
What's funny is that who I am hasn't changed. At all. It's not that I'm meaner now than I used to be. It's that I've gained self-respect. It's not that I've become indifferent or that my heart has gone cold. It's that I've stopped tolerating bullshit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I used to let people walk all over me. I used to tolerate emotional abuse and shrug off things that hurt like hell. I used to let people get away with saying horribly destructive things to me and about me. I used to be in denial.
I used to believe that all of those things were things I was supposed to take with a grain of salt and accept, regardless of whether or not they were valid.
I used to hold my tongue in questionable moments- and if I were to make a list of the most foolish things I've ever done, that would be at the very top.
Why?
Because people got used to it. People took comfort in knowing that I was someone they could take advantage of. People abused me, in the sense that they'd say or do as they wished without the fear that I'd possibly stand up against them in my own best interest.
Believe me, be good to people- but know where to draw the line. Without a boundary, people will push until they break you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I first started speaking my mind about things, standing up against things I disagreed with and showing the world that I wasn't willing to silently be victimized anymore, people were shocked.
When I'd say "no" to people I'd always just gone along with, they'd laugh. In most cases, people took my declarations as jokes.
"Yeah right," they'd say other times.
And everything remained a laughing matter to them until they'd realize I was serious. Then it became verbal war.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You're being selfish."
"Stop being a bitch."
"Come on, you said yes last time!"
"Why are you being so rude???"
They'd spit insults that I could've sworn (at the time) would start tsunamis.
Especially every boy's favorite line: "You never loved me."
That's where I've noticed it the most- that people treat you differently when you stop tolerating bullshit. When I've left toxic relationships.
I've left multiple relationships because they got to be damaging to my health. I'd spend more time justifying logical actions than I would on my homework, so not only did my grades slip but I started feeling crazy. I'd get blamed for "giving up too easily" and "not working through things." I'd hear things like "you can't just walk away that easily" and "stop playing with my emotions like it's a game."
Which is nothing more than the most ignorant double standard ever, because you aren't justified in blaming someone for not loving you enough to work through things when you hurt them so badly that they feel that they NEED to leave the situation.
It's the same thing as if you're both drowning, and then at the last minute you both make it up to the surface just in time to get a breath- and then you force each other back under the water again.
And it's almost just as damaging.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In my regular day-to-day life I've stopped tolerating things that I deem toxic to my happiness. I've stopped people from pushing me back under the water. For the most part, that goes okay. Yes, I've been blamed more than once for being unnecessarily short with people or for putting my own best interest before those of others, but people are usually fairly understanding of my logic.
The difference between the people who understand it and those who don't is this:
The people who don't get it blame me for being selfish. The people who do get it recognize that me finally putting myself first is because I've learned, through being abused, the difference between what I do and don't deserve.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When people used to ask me for help, I would help them no matter what- even at the cost of my own success. I used to live half in fear of letting someone down, so I'd put my life on hold to help them as much as I could.
But being a humanitarian became a dangerous habit. It started becoming expected that I'd stay up way too late helping people through their own situations. I'd push my textbooks and my obligations to the side, at the expense of my sleep, my grades and my own family/friends.
I'd wake up exhausted the following mornings, having to cram for exams and cancel evening plans with people I loved just so I could catch up on rest.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My point is this.
When you stop tolerating bullshit, you'll get even more bullshit for it. You'll get called names, people will talk about you in ways you wish they wouldn't, and they'll blame you for being selfish.
They'll blame you for anything they can think of.
Do not let them win. Do not let them make you feel like you should just keep tolerating their bullshit so you won't have to be on anyone's bad side.
Work hard to love people and be good to them, but know yourself enough to know what is toxic to you and be able to walk away from anything that is.
The right people will respect you for it.
don't just walk the line between magic and madness.
dance on it.
xox
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