"You remind me of a train," a friend of mine said to me the other day, towards the end of one of those conversations I've only ever been able to have with her. You know, one of the ones that ended with me finally letting go of all of the frustration I'd been holding back- in the form of bitter, sad, angry, hopeless tears.
Up until the moment I broke, we had been catching each other up on every aspect of our lives. College, jobs, worries, love interests, self-love techniques, new empowering music to listen to, where to buy the best Chai drinks and how to master grocery shopping in 15 minutes with nothing more than a $20 bill.
"How in the hell do I remind you of a train?" I asked her, prompting her to smile at me and say a few of the most comforting words I've ever heard.
"You know what you want and you stay on track until you get there," she told me. "You don't let anyone or anything stand in your way- the same way trains stop for nothing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And maybe it was just because that was the most meaningful reassurance I'd gotten in forever, or for that matter, ever- but for those few moments I felt like the world was mine. Not just the parts I liked, and not just the parts of it that I could afford, but all of it.
Or maybe it was because for once, someone understood me. For those couple of hours, I didn't need to justify my actions or explain why I felt the way I did. For that amount of time, nobody demanded me to apologize for putting myself first, and nobody unforgivingly walked away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As an ambitious person, that level of acceptance and that degree of encouragement with no strings attached caught me off guard.
I wish that wasn't true. I wish I didn't have to be surprised in the few and far between moments like that that happen to me. I often wish I could make myself care a lot less than I do, or even stop caring completely, because I know that a lot of the pain, stress and disappointment I've had to feel has been caused (for the most part) by me actually just giving a fuck.
And in case you didn't know, giving a fuck is exhausting. In every sense of the word.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The thing is, if someone were to place two buttons in front of me labeled, "care forever" and "never care again" I'd still choose to care forever. It's what I've always done, and it's what I'll always know.
Part of what sucks about being only 19 years old and caring so much about so many things is this: I get an awful lot of criticism.
"How'd you get so jaded by such a young age?" my dad asked me at the dinner table the evening after my first day of sixth grade, after I complained to the family about how kids at school had bad attitudes and lacked social awareness skills.
I've continued to be asked questions like that by my elders ever since, and continued my habit of getting angry each time. Not because I dislike the people who ask me or because I think it's a ridiculous question- but because I'm disheartened by the idea that I'm one of few people my own age who appreciates thing like common sense. It hurts to be criticized for having a practical, realistic view of the world around me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I broke up with a boy this past February, (for several reasons) and in the following weeks, I talked about him an awful lot to my mother.
"Do you regret doing it?" she asked me at one point. "No," I told her. "I wish it had worked out, but I wasn't going to let him hold me back."
She and my dad both looked at me.
"You've got a good head on your shoulders," my dad said.
"Yes," my mother agreed. "Don't let him make you think that you're crazy or wrong."
And as much as I tried not to, I started to anyway. I started to think maybe I had made the wrong choice. I started to wish I hadn't broken up with him. I started to regret the entire relationship because it just made me feel SO much.
In the weeks prior, he had been complaining to me that I wasn't making time for him. I was, though. I was going to every effort to hangout with him whenever possible, but because he had a full-time job and I was at college with 3 jobs and was involved on campus, that got really, REALLY hard. I knew I had to make a choice. I knew it was either going to be make him happy or do college my way and make myself happy. I made the selfish choice, and I admit that with no shame.
That breakup was exactly what I needed.
I deleted his number and deleted our pictures. Not out of spite or because I wanted to forget everything- but just because I knew that keeping his number would make it easy to want to text him and I knew keeping our pictures would make me miss what we had had. I bought a few new lipsticks, toured a couple new coffee shops and started focusing my energy on myself. Best thing I've ever done, I'll swear on it now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I think that was when my being like a train really started. I knew what I wanted. I knew what I needed to do to get there. And more than anything I knew that that would mean letting go of anything that even stood a chance at stopping me or slowing me down.
Ever since then, I've been learning. Mostly through events that prove to be heartbreaking and destructive...
but I've been learning.
Learning, experiencing, thinking, feeling, growing, and giving fucks- really anything but stopping. Again, trains stop for nothing.
I'm happier with my life now than I have ever been. I'm also busier than I've ever been, but I've found my passion. I'm in love with school. I live for spending my days in the halls of Wichita State University with my nose in books and my future at my fingertips. I'm a double major and single minor student, member of the National Society of Leadership and Success, member of the Criminal Justice Student Association and employee for The Sunflower student newspaper.
Outside of school I have two other jobs and am writing a book. Yes it's tiring. Yes it's frustrating. Sometimes I'd love to kick responsibilities out of the picture and go on a beach vacation but I don't because I know that that is not where my tracks are leading.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I mentioned that I've learned a lot of what I've learned through things that have been destructive. To give you an idea of what I mean, here are some of the things that have happened.
1) I've been invited to things I would love to attend but I've had to say, "I can't, I have homework," and I've heard people call me names. I've heard them say I'm lame, that I have no life, that I must be miserable, that this is why I don't get invited to many things, etc. I've literally watched people leave my life because I've made academics a top priority.
2) I made the decision to leave my sorority when they said during one meeting, "WORK IS NOT AN EXCUSE." My ability to pay my sorority dues and for the gas to get there depended on my ability to work. I thought that if they really cared, they'd understand that work is infinitely more important. I had to skip work that week for the event, and was hit with a $180 bill the next week that I couldn't pay. Because of that mentality and for a lot of other reasons, I left without looking back.
3) This past May when I thought for sure I was actually falling in love again, the boy told me he wanted a smart woman. Someone who cared about education. A month and a half later he broke up with me over text, telling me I over-analyze everything and that I need to have more fun. I thought that was ironic. That he wanted a smart woman, but didn't want to put up with one.
4) "You don't have time for anything serious," one boy told me, which was inappropriate and completely unprecedented given that he had maybe known me for two weeks and I'd never brought up the idea of so much as a potential relationship. When I told him it was not his place to tell me what I do and don't have time for, he stopped talking to me all together.
It scares people, I suppose, when you stand your ground. When you've got a goal. When you don't, under any circumstances, let ANYTHING or ANYONE stop you.
On top of all of that, I'm an introvert. My time AWAY from people and from social interaction is something I take very seriously because it is crucial to my mental health. But unfortunately, far too many people either don't understand that, don't give a damn about it or both because time and time again I've ended up having to explain to people that just because I have a free couple hours doesn't mean I'm up for making plans.
I've legitimately had to spend serious time justifying allowing myself a few hours for ME. And I've been told I'm selfish for doing it.
But I'm not selfish. It's self-love. It's self-care.
It's life. Its being unafraid. It's being a living train.
Up until the moment I broke, we had been catching each other up on every aspect of our lives. College, jobs, worries, love interests, self-love techniques, new empowering music to listen to, where to buy the best Chai drinks and how to master grocery shopping in 15 minutes with nothing more than a $20 bill.
"How in the hell do I remind you of a train?" I asked her, prompting her to smile at me and say a few of the most comforting words I've ever heard.
"You know what you want and you stay on track until you get there," she told me. "You don't let anyone or anything stand in your way- the same way trains stop for nothing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And maybe it was just because that was the most meaningful reassurance I'd gotten in forever, or for that matter, ever- but for those few moments I felt like the world was mine. Not just the parts I liked, and not just the parts of it that I could afford, but all of it.
Or maybe it was because for once, someone understood me. For those couple of hours, I didn't need to justify my actions or explain why I felt the way I did. For that amount of time, nobody demanded me to apologize for putting myself first, and nobody unforgivingly walked away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As an ambitious person, that level of acceptance and that degree of encouragement with no strings attached caught me off guard.
I wish that wasn't true. I wish I didn't have to be surprised in the few and far between moments like that that happen to me. I often wish I could make myself care a lot less than I do, or even stop caring completely, because I know that a lot of the pain, stress and disappointment I've had to feel has been caused (for the most part) by me actually just giving a fuck.
And in case you didn't know, giving a fuck is exhausting. In every sense of the word.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The thing is, if someone were to place two buttons in front of me labeled, "care forever" and "never care again" I'd still choose to care forever. It's what I've always done, and it's what I'll always know.
Part of what sucks about being only 19 years old and caring so much about so many things is this: I get an awful lot of criticism.
"How'd you get so jaded by such a young age?" my dad asked me at the dinner table the evening after my first day of sixth grade, after I complained to the family about how kids at school had bad attitudes and lacked social awareness skills.
I've continued to be asked questions like that by my elders ever since, and continued my habit of getting angry each time. Not because I dislike the people who ask me or because I think it's a ridiculous question- but because I'm disheartened by the idea that I'm one of few people my own age who appreciates thing like common sense. It hurts to be criticized for having a practical, realistic view of the world around me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I broke up with a boy this past February, (for several reasons) and in the following weeks, I talked about him an awful lot to my mother.
"Do you regret doing it?" she asked me at one point. "No," I told her. "I wish it had worked out, but I wasn't going to let him hold me back."
She and my dad both looked at me.
"You've got a good head on your shoulders," my dad said.
"Yes," my mother agreed. "Don't let him make you think that you're crazy or wrong."
And as much as I tried not to, I started to anyway. I started to think maybe I had made the wrong choice. I started to wish I hadn't broken up with him. I started to regret the entire relationship because it just made me feel SO much.
In the weeks prior, he had been complaining to me that I wasn't making time for him. I was, though. I was going to every effort to hangout with him whenever possible, but because he had a full-time job and I was at college with 3 jobs and was involved on campus, that got really, REALLY hard. I knew I had to make a choice. I knew it was either going to be make him happy or do college my way and make myself happy. I made the selfish choice, and I admit that with no shame.
That breakup was exactly what I needed.
I deleted his number and deleted our pictures. Not out of spite or because I wanted to forget everything- but just because I knew that keeping his number would make it easy to want to text him and I knew keeping our pictures would make me miss what we had had. I bought a few new lipsticks, toured a couple new coffee shops and started focusing my energy on myself. Best thing I've ever done, I'll swear on it now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I think that was when my being like a train really started. I knew what I wanted. I knew what I needed to do to get there. And more than anything I knew that that would mean letting go of anything that even stood a chance at stopping me or slowing me down.
Ever since then, I've been learning. Mostly through events that prove to be heartbreaking and destructive...
but I've been learning.
Learning, experiencing, thinking, feeling, growing, and giving fucks- really anything but stopping. Again, trains stop for nothing.
Image credit: Suzanne Tobias
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I'm happier with my life now than I have ever been. I'm also busier than I've ever been, but I've found my passion. I'm in love with school. I live for spending my days in the halls of Wichita State University with my nose in books and my future at my fingertips. I'm a double major and single minor student, member of the National Society of Leadership and Success, member of the Criminal Justice Student Association and employee for The Sunflower student newspaper.
Outside of school I have two other jobs and am writing a book. Yes it's tiring. Yes it's frustrating. Sometimes I'd love to kick responsibilities out of the picture and go on a beach vacation but I don't because I know that that is not where my tracks are leading.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I mentioned that I've learned a lot of what I've learned through things that have been destructive. To give you an idea of what I mean, here are some of the things that have happened.
1) I've been invited to things I would love to attend but I've had to say, "I can't, I have homework," and I've heard people call me names. I've heard them say I'm lame, that I have no life, that I must be miserable, that this is why I don't get invited to many things, etc. I've literally watched people leave my life because I've made academics a top priority.
2) I made the decision to leave my sorority when they said during one meeting, "WORK IS NOT AN EXCUSE." My ability to pay my sorority dues and for the gas to get there depended on my ability to work. I thought that if they really cared, they'd understand that work is infinitely more important. I had to skip work that week for the event, and was hit with a $180 bill the next week that I couldn't pay. Because of that mentality and for a lot of other reasons, I left without looking back.
3) This past May when I thought for sure I was actually falling in love again, the boy told me he wanted a smart woman. Someone who cared about education. A month and a half later he broke up with me over text, telling me I over-analyze everything and that I need to have more fun. I thought that was ironic. That he wanted a smart woman, but didn't want to put up with one.
4) "You don't have time for anything serious," one boy told me, which was inappropriate and completely unprecedented given that he had maybe known me for two weeks and I'd never brought up the idea of so much as a potential relationship. When I told him it was not his place to tell me what I do and don't have time for, he stopped talking to me all together.
It scares people, I suppose, when you stand your ground. When you've got a goal. When you don't, under any circumstances, let ANYTHING or ANYONE stop you.
On top of all of that, I'm an introvert. My time AWAY from people and from social interaction is something I take very seriously because it is crucial to my mental health. But unfortunately, far too many people either don't understand that, don't give a damn about it or both because time and time again I've ended up having to explain to people that just because I have a free couple hours doesn't mean I'm up for making plans.
I've legitimately had to spend serious time justifying allowing myself a few hours for ME. And I've been told I'm selfish for doing it.
But I'm not selfish. It's self-love. It's self-care.
It's life. Its being unafraid. It's being a living train.
you do not owe anyone
an apology for having passion
or an explanation as to why you are ambitious
you deserve better
than someone who demands either of those things
you deserve understanding
you deserve to be appreciated and encouraged
you deserve to have the good that you pour into this world
poured right back into you
until you are full
until the only freight you must carry
is your well-fed soul
and all of the love
that you can manage
(don't worry, love is light)
xox,
these are the things i've learned and this is the freight i carry
i am unstoppable
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