I'm Not Going To Let Anything Stop Me, And I Am Not Sorry

"I'm losing respect for you."
"You're pushing people away."
"You're throwing away friendships."
"Don't go burning bridges."

These are all things I've been told over the years as I've publicly either started or at least somehow engaged in discussions that most people typically avoid.

Both online and in person, I've been involved in conversations on a variety of topics, including but not limited to:

self love

politics (yeah, I do go there)

food stamps

vegetarian/vegan lifestyles

racism/reverse racism

feminism (and likewise, sexism)

homeschooling vs. public and private schooling

introversion and extroversion

anxiety, OCD and other disorders

fat-shaming

abortion

climate change

alcohol and alcoholism 

marijuana legalization

beauty standards

And after x number of these conversations, I started realizing just how stubborn I am. I was MADE for voicing my opinions, and after a while I stopped caring about whether or not people agreed with me. 

And it isn't an issue of wanting or needing people to be on my side, or think the way I think. I'm at a point in my life where I'm really learning what I stand for, how I feel about all sorts of things, and who I am. I'm not going to hold onto people, chase people, or lose sleep over people. If you stay in my life you stay, and if you leave you leave. As cold and uncaring as that sounds, I promise that's nothing more than me knowing what I want and having the self-respect to know who to surround myself with. 

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We can disagree on things and still respect one another. At least, we can in my opinion. But let's be brutally honest for a second. This is the 21 century. If someone disagrees with you and you have an issue with that, you can unfriend them, unfollow them, or completely block them out of your life at the touch of a button- and people, my goodness. That does damage. 

This age has a front row seat from which it has witnessed calm, civil conversations almost go extinct. Working things out and really addressing issues has almost become an art form or a skill that few people possess anymore because the majority will hit, "remove friend" at the slightest sign of confrontation or disagreement. 

Now let's pull it back juuuuuuuuust a little bit, because I honestly do believe that sometimes having the ability to remove those people is beneficial. It's one of those case-by-case concepts that I've never been able to fully develop a firm belief for in one way or another, but ultimately I think it probably does more harm than good. 

For the time being I'm going to leave this portion of the post at that, because I'm discussing this topic more in an upcoming post and also in the book I've been tirelessly working on. But I do think it's an important factor to consider when it comes to the ways in which people socialize today. 

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I was best friends all through elementary school with a girl who I didn't realize was vegetarian until her birthday party the July before we started sixth grade. Her parents ordered pizzas- 1 pepperoni and 3 cheese. I remember, because that was what led to the argument that then led to the end of our friendship. 

She and most of her friends picked the cheese pizza, and I picked pepperoni. When she saw me eating it, she looked at me with disgust and said, "How are you eating that? You're cruel."

I was confused at the time, because I still hadn't picked up on the fact that she was vegetarian and so were most of her friends. 

"I like pepperoni pizza," I told her. "Is that a problem?"

"You know, you shouldn't be so ignorant," she told me, as another one of her friends jumped in. 

"A pig died just so you could eat that."

I continued to eat it, and in all honesty while I do hate that animals die just to provide humans with meat and a number of other products, I've never been able to go vegetarian or vegan. The lifestyle just isn't for me- but that doesn't make me "cruel."

It just makes me human and it means I had a different opinion than the people in this situation who had me outnumbered approximately 6 to 1. My odds weren't that great, but I wasn't going to back down. 

After all, it wasn't like I was personally going out of my way to hunt and kill the animal just so I could eat it- though I'm 100% sure the girls who were there with me that night would argue that I may as well have. 

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To put this in perspective, that was the first ever discussion/interaction I had ever been personally involved in that was at all controversial, and I wasn't even in middle school yet. By seventh grade, someone (and I will always keep names anonymous here) nicknamed me, "Queen of Unpopular Opinions," and I've owned that and allowed that to do nothing but empower me ever since. 

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When I began getting politically involved and really paying attention to the news, I became obsessed with questioning, researching, reading, studying, and discussing EVERYTHING I saw or heard. And I did the unthinkable- I started developing opinions. When that happened, it was almost as if something toxic had overtaken my body. Suddenly I was sharing things online or bringing up trending news topics in person, and watching my friends/followers lists decrease by the minute. 

It was when I would get into the really heated conversations that my parents would say things like, "Quit while you're ahead," or "Just leave it alone," or "You won't change their minds," or my dad's famous line, "It's best to just say what you have to say and not engage the ones who are ignorant or rude to you." 

When I referred to myself as being pro-choice one time shortly after Donald Trump was elected, I got backlash like I've never seen in my life. Pro-lifers verbally attacked me by saying things like, "I just lost a ton of respect for you," and "I'm sorry that you think murdering babies is acceptable."

Which wasn't at all my point anyway, and I couldn't have cared less at that point who respected me and who didn't, because I'd rather be hated for standing up for what I believe in than be loved for pretending like everything is all glitter and glory all the f-ing time.

"That's the kind of topic you should probably just stay away from," my dad told me when I brought up the conversation at dinner later that night, and I was equally if not more so infuriated right then.

Yes, dad, I do see your point. I know it's best to speak my peace and do so in an honorable way that reflects the best of my character. I know it is not smart to get involved in the kinds of conversations that will only lead to the burning of bridges and the falling outs of friendships. I know I am better than to walk willingly into situations that will inevitably end in hurt feelings and/or busted bonds between myself and the people around me.

But god damn it you raised a fighter and I refuse to avoid an issue just because it's complex, controversial or uncomfortable. No matter what.

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I don't have what it takes to just walk away. I have to see things through. You didn't raise a fighter who stops when things get hard, you raised a fighter who will fight until there's nothing left to say or do or fight for. 

I think having the conversations that are uncomfortable are necessary. If all we do is speak our own opinions and then avoid the issues that arise when others speak theirs, we are damaging ourselves. We are single-handedly ruining any chance we (as humans) stand at achieving unity. 

We are causing ourselves to self destruct both when we refuse to confront social issues and when we refuse to listen to those who don't agree with us. 

Which is heartbreaking, because civil discussions with others shouldn't be an art. Things like listening respectfully, conversing intelligently, and seeking opportunities from which to grow should be common, expected, and practiced daily without fail.

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I would be lying to your face right now if I said I haven't said or done things I regret. I would be lying if I said I haven't ever fallen victim to taking things too far or saying the wrong thing in the heat of the moment. I would also be lying if I were to tell you I've never been hypocritical, because I have and I'm aware of that- but I've never not been willing to admit that. 

As much as I try to not be hypocritical, it's a part of the human condition and it's also something that happens as a person experiences life. I recognize that, I stand by that, and I will forever. I will never fight for something and stand by my own words and actions so strongly that I can't admit when I do or say something wrong. 

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But here's the brutal truth:

You're going to be offended by some of the things I say. You will have your own reasons for that. You are entitled to your feelings and I will never antagonize you for feeling any given way in reaction to something I say. My intention is never to hurt you or offend you, but I can't keep everyone happy all at once.

You may well lose respect for me. It happens. As much as I would love for life to be all good between everybody all the time, it can't happen. 

If you were to walk into a room filled with a random selection of, let's say... 30 people, and you were to voice any opinion you have, I can do everything but absolutely promise you at least one person will disagree. That is human nature. That is nothing to be hateful towards, that is nothing to laugh at, that is nothing to be ashamed of, that is nothing to let stand in your way. That is simply the way things are.

I'm never going to be able to say anything, voice any opinion, or fight for anything I believe in without at least one person having a problem with it. Nobody ever will. That is how the world works, and yes it sometimes sucks. Sometimes it's ugly and it's painful and it's horrific. Sometimes it's bridge after bridge burning. But sometimes it's beautiful. 

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To clarify that I do still in fact have a ton of faith in humanity and to restore some of yours if it's been lost among the chaos of this brutally honest post:

Some of the kindest, most down-to-earth, genuine people in my life are people I've met simply because they've showed up to the same events as me, they've donated to the same charities, they've volunteered for the same organizations, they've had similar painful experiences, they've overcome obstacles, they've been heartbroken, they've been where I've been and they've learned what it's like to stand for something. 

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At the Women's March on Washington in January of this past year, when I passed out on the cold concrete of the bus station after getting sick for an hour, strangers were asking me what I needed. A woman from California handed me crackers and a cold water bottle as she hugged me and said, "You did it. You showed up. That's what's important."

Almost as if she knew just from the look on my face that it killed me to have had to miss the actual march. I could've sworn it actually was going to kill me- the frustration that came along with traveling 50 hours just to throw up in a different city. But then something happened that changed my life in the most extraordinary way.

"Thank you," I told her. "For being here."

"No problem," she said. "We're women. And we're people. We've got to take care of each other."

Somewhere between her words and the signs that read things like, "KEEP YOUR POLITICS OUT OF MY PUSSY," I found a peace that I never even knew existed. 

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I think the main reason this gets me going so much is because I know I can't change the world if I just sit back and fail to address the issues that demand attention. I also can't change the world if I live in fear of saying anything that could possibly offend someone, because it's impossible to completely avoid that seeing as though I'm living in a universe with 6 billion some odd other people. 

I'm not afraid of being disliked, unfollowed, unfriended, or even shunned completely by anyone. That is never my goal, but I do know that it happens and I'm not going to let that stop me.

I'm not going to let anything stop me. 

I'm not going to just sit here and take what comes without calling things into question. I'm not going to just quit while I'm ahead because quitting isn't what I do or what I stand for. I'm not going to stress over who likes me and who doesn't because of the way I see the world and all that it's composed of. The good, the bad, the beauty and the wreckage. 

One of my (ex) best friends once told me, "Hannah, I love that you stand up and fight for what you believe in."

And then the minute I was fighting for something I believed in that she felt differently about, she told me I was "an irrelevant bitch who doesn't respect anyone with a differing opinion."

Just today, I was called an absolutist and (not directly, but essentially) called sexist because instead of being encouraging to a girl who responded to a hateful body-shaming tweet with more hate, I simply said I was disgusted and saddened by her behavior. 

But again, people don't have the decency to recognize differences in opinion. People won't even go to the trouble to understand what someone's point is before they start arguing it. People were pulling up articles and sending them to me as if they mattered. I had people calling me judgmental, then telling me I was going about the situation entirely wrong. Ironic, much? 

I don't know if it's just that other people think I'll back down if they fight me hard enough or what, but I can assure you that will not happen. I don't back down. Hell, I've broken up with an ex because he didn't value education enough, and people criticized me for that. I never belittled his lifestyle, or told him how he should live his life. I just made it clear to him that what I wanted was somebody who looked at education as a necessary stepping stone to the future, and that it was time for me to move on. He called me stuck up and bitchy, but who cares, right? I knew what I wanted and needed to do, and I did exactly that. 

I always will. No matter what the circumstance.

Let me say this loud and clearly one more time.

I'm not going to let anything stop me. 

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note: 

I've always believed that if you stand up for what you think is right, and if you boldly express how you feel, and if you demonstrate true self respect, the right people will support you and stand beside you. 

in the words of the fortune cookie I opened at dinner the night I made one of the most difficult life decisions I've ever had to face:

"Do what you love and the necessary resources will follow."

What I love happens to be staying true to the things I believe in and that I feel demand and deserve to be discussed. 

What I love is being who I am, working to better myself, and all the while meeting people I admire endlessly. 

Doing what I love includes speaking out.

Fearlessly. 

I will do what I love until my dying day and whether or not the necessary resources follow, I'm not going to let anything stop me.

I am not sorry.

xox, - words on a page from the diary of a grandmother stuck in the millennial age with a burning desire to change the world 

before it is too late.