I write a lot about love, and a lot of the reason for that is that I feel like love is by far the strangest, prettiest, scariest, most confusing, complex, ambiguous idea that exists in this world. And because I write so much about it, I get asked about it on a pretty frequent basis. I get asked for relationship advice a lot too, which I've always found interesting considering the number of relationships I've managed to maintain is at a grand total of exactly zero. I also get asked a lot of things such as whether or not I believe in soulmates, or in love at first sight, and those questions set fire to my heart and shivers through my entire body- all because I have absolutely no idea.
I'm pretty firm in my beliefs for the most part, but these are the things I can't answer with a yes or a no.
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To give you a little bit of a backstory here, I've always been skeptical of fairy tales. I never appreciated princess movies, romance novels, or Nicholas Sparks films because even from a young age I knew that those things all set highly unrealistic standards in terms of even just finding love- much less keeping it.
When I was seven or eight years old my best friend showed me the Disney movie Sleeping Beauty and I got so angry she had to stop it. "This would not happen in real life," I told her as she tried her best to talk me down. "That's not how love works."
"How does love work, then?" she asked me, and that's when I knew I had played myself.
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The first time I really sat down to think about whether or not I believed in love at first sight was shortly after a breakup, about halfway through the summer before my sophomore year of high school.
I was sitting at the pool with my family when a boy told me over text that he didn't want to be together anymore. I remember telling my dad that I was going home to shower and take a nap, so I could casually slip away without crying in front of everyone.
That evening, when everyone else came home and my grandparents got busy cooking dinner for us, my mom called me into her room to tell her what was up. After telling the whole story, crying a little bit more than I would've liked to and then angrily yelling, "I HATE BOYS THEY'RE STUPID," she smiled at me and laughed.
"Don't know what you saw in him, sweetie," she said. "He doesn't deserve you."
That's when I knew, almost instantly, that I had never loved him. I had loved his green eyes and his smile and how good he looked in dark colors, but that wasn't loving who he was.
I didn't even have the chance to find out if I loved the way his mind worked or anything deeper than whatever was on his surface. That's when I stopped believing in love at first sight. All of a sudden, I didn't understand how anyone could just look into a set of piercingly gorgeous eyes and fall in love with the person they belonged to, when some of the worst people in the world have the most amazing eyes.
I think there is something to be said for the whole "don't let a pretty face fool you" mantra. It's easy to be attracted to someone. It's heaven and hell to love them.
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But what do I know, right? I'm only 19 and like I said, the number of relationships I've managed to maintain remains at a steady zero. It's a learning thing, I suppose. I've learned what it's like to feel in love. I've learned what it's like to be in love and then get heartbroken. I've learned what it's like to fall for someone for the wrong reasons, and the right ones, and everything in between.
As for the whole "do I believe in soulmates" thing, my answer is still a resounding, "I don't know."
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This month a year ago, I started dating a boy who I was almost certainly convinced was the one I would marry someday. From sitting on a rock by the Keeper of The Plains as he kissed me for the first time, I was addicted. We stayed there almost all night, until rain was close and my mama called, asking where I was. When my first anxiety attack happened in front of him, he held me close with a cold cloth to my head and told me stories about his life until I was calm again. No matter how mad I got at him, he would show up at my house and take me to play with puppies until I wasn't so mad anymore. We adopted guinea pigs together, his sister took pictures of us, his mom and I were so close we shared nail polishes and his dad laughed at every joke I ever told.
When I was moody and short with him, he would tell me to lose the attitude. I'd say "ok" and he'd say, "don't just ok me, come back here."
He never let me go to sleep upset. Ever.
The first time I met his grandpa, he looked at me and then back at him and said, "Don't let her go, Jo," and that boy looked at me and said, "Don't worry, she's my girl. I won't."
By November we had had our first big fight. He drove off after yelling at me that we were done, and by the time he came back my dad answered the door to tell him to leave me alone.
"He had tears in his eyes," my dad told me after he had shut the door again. "It hurt him to hurt you."
The next day when he came around again, I answered the door and we stepped outside.
"How could you?" I asked him. "You said you'd never leave and look what you did."
He looked at me and grabbed my hand.
"I turned right back around and came back," he said. "I was crying and I didn't want you to see that. I couldn't drive home knowing I had hurt my baby girl, but your dad told me to leave. I shouldn't have run out on you and I'm sorry. I got scared. I got scared that I was losing you."
Two weeks before Valentine's Day of this year, he put a promise ring on my finger. We broke up a week later. We had been dating for eight months. We knew each other better than we knew ourselves. I could finish his sentences and he could finish mine. I can't count the number of times, even in the oddest circumstances, when I had looked up at him and truly thought that someday, his last name would be mine, too.
And then I just.. changed my mind.
"This can't be real," he said. "You're my soulmate."
"I don't think that's true," I said, and that was that.
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That story hurts me to tell, for a lot of reasons. Mostly because it was so recent, and still very present in my head, but also because it's shaped so much of how I look at love today, and it's the reason why I really can't answer anything about whether or not I believe in soulmates.
I had. If you had asked me at almost any point during those eight months, I would've said not only that soulmates do exist, but that I had found mine at the age of 19 years young. I really did believe in it, and even today I still don't know what it is that made me think differently so quickly. Maybe it was fear. Fear of commitment, fear of getting hurt, fear of "leaving the party" as some might say. Hell, maybe it really was love and I just said fuck it.
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But let me ask you this: do you think soulmates just... exist? Do you believe there's someone out there you're just destined to be with, or do you think that relationship gets built and in building it, you discover that that's your person?
I've posed this question to more than one hundred people, and I'm always amazed when I reach out to people like that to get opinions because the answers I get are always so different. Different from my own, and different from each other. Which really makes me think, and thinking brings me peace. So thank you, and I hope you know how incredible you are.
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Here are nine out of the 150+ answers I got, and my lord my heart has never been so full.
1) "You meet someone. You develop a soulmate."
2) "Soulmates exist only for the people who put their entire souls into the things and people they love."
3) "I think soulmates are only for people who aren't strong-souled enough to handle the world on their own."
4) "The boy who sat next to me all through my high school calculus class made me want to tear my hair out and scream almost every single day. I hated him. Now we're buying plates together, and both of our names are on the bills."
5) "Love at first sight is the worst lie. Falling in love with the way someone looks isn't falling in love with them, it's just wanting them."
6) "Your soulmate may not be who you fall in love with. Your mentor could be your soul mate. It doesn't have to be romantic, you just have a connection you can't really explain to anyone else."
7) "I caught a peek at a boy across the room from me in a restaurant once and thought his face was the prettiest thing I'd ever see. We've been married for 68 years."
8) "Love at first sight could happen, I think. You just have to brace yourself for the fact that it may very easily prove itself to not be real love."
9) (and this is my favorite answer) "That's too complicated to answer. That's what life is for."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I originally got the idea to ask you guys these questions and blog about something I knew was incredibly multi-layered and complex, I wanted to write about it to see if I could come to a conclusion. A solid answer.
Before I got to this point, I strongly agreed with the boy who answered this question in #1. I just thought that it seemed insane to be one person, in a world of billions, destined to meet ONE specific other person to spend my life with. I thought that was crazy, not to mention almost impossible. I started realizing that maybe I'll just fall for someone in a spur-of-the-moment type instance, and from then on that relationship will grow until I end up finally realizing that that's my person. My soulmate. Whether or not they started that way.
Now?
Now my answer is the same as #9. I should have known. Any question about love is so brave and bold and ambiguous that it remains to be too complicated to answer one way or another. I think for the first time, I'm okay with not being answered. I think this is the one thing I'm okay with not even coming close to understanding. Because it really is what life is for. I'll happily spend my whole life learning things and looking for answers.
Maybe I won't even go looking. Maybe I'll just sort of stumble upon something or someone. My mom always said things like "a watched pot never boils" and "don't be afraid to fall, you can always get back up." I wonder if people who go looking for love ever truly find it.
I'm not afraid of waiting, wondering, wandering, or getting bruised. So I guess we'll see.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm pretty firm in my beliefs for the most part, but these are the things I can't answer with a yes or a no.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To give you a little bit of a backstory here, I've always been skeptical of fairy tales. I never appreciated princess movies, romance novels, or Nicholas Sparks films because even from a young age I knew that those things all set highly unrealistic standards in terms of even just finding love- much less keeping it.
When I was seven or eight years old my best friend showed me the Disney movie Sleeping Beauty and I got so angry she had to stop it. "This would not happen in real life," I told her as she tried her best to talk me down. "That's not how love works."
"How does love work, then?" she asked me, and that's when I knew I had played myself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The first time I really sat down to think about whether or not I believed in love at first sight was shortly after a breakup, about halfway through the summer before my sophomore year of high school.
I was sitting at the pool with my family when a boy told me over text that he didn't want to be together anymore. I remember telling my dad that I was going home to shower and take a nap, so I could casually slip away without crying in front of everyone.
That evening, when everyone else came home and my grandparents got busy cooking dinner for us, my mom called me into her room to tell her what was up. After telling the whole story, crying a little bit more than I would've liked to and then angrily yelling, "I HATE BOYS THEY'RE STUPID," she smiled at me and laughed.
"Don't know what you saw in him, sweetie," she said. "He doesn't deserve you."
That's when I knew, almost instantly, that I had never loved him. I had loved his green eyes and his smile and how good he looked in dark colors, but that wasn't loving who he was.
I didn't even have the chance to find out if I loved the way his mind worked or anything deeper than whatever was on his surface. That's when I stopped believing in love at first sight. All of a sudden, I didn't understand how anyone could just look into a set of piercingly gorgeous eyes and fall in love with the person they belonged to, when some of the worst people in the world have the most amazing eyes.
I think there is something to be said for the whole "don't let a pretty face fool you" mantra. It's easy to be attracted to someone. It's heaven and hell to love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
But what do I know, right? I'm only 19 and like I said, the number of relationships I've managed to maintain remains at a steady zero. It's a learning thing, I suppose. I've learned what it's like to feel in love. I've learned what it's like to be in love and then get heartbroken. I've learned what it's like to fall for someone for the wrong reasons, and the right ones, and everything in between.
As for the whole "do I believe in soulmates" thing, my answer is still a resounding, "I don't know."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This month a year ago, I started dating a boy who I was almost certainly convinced was the one I would marry someday. From sitting on a rock by the Keeper of The Plains as he kissed me for the first time, I was addicted. We stayed there almost all night, until rain was close and my mama called, asking where I was. When my first anxiety attack happened in front of him, he held me close with a cold cloth to my head and told me stories about his life until I was calm again. No matter how mad I got at him, he would show up at my house and take me to play with puppies until I wasn't so mad anymore. We adopted guinea pigs together, his sister took pictures of us, his mom and I were so close we shared nail polishes and his dad laughed at every joke I ever told.
When I was moody and short with him, he would tell me to lose the attitude. I'd say "ok" and he'd say, "don't just ok me, come back here."
He never let me go to sleep upset. Ever.
The first time I met his grandpa, he looked at me and then back at him and said, "Don't let her go, Jo," and that boy looked at me and said, "Don't worry, she's my girl. I won't."
By November we had had our first big fight. He drove off after yelling at me that we were done, and by the time he came back my dad answered the door to tell him to leave me alone.
"He had tears in his eyes," my dad told me after he had shut the door again. "It hurt him to hurt you."
The next day when he came around again, I answered the door and we stepped outside.
"How could you?" I asked him. "You said you'd never leave and look what you did."
He looked at me and grabbed my hand.
"I turned right back around and came back," he said. "I was crying and I didn't want you to see that. I couldn't drive home knowing I had hurt my baby girl, but your dad told me to leave. I shouldn't have run out on you and I'm sorry. I got scared. I got scared that I was losing you."
Two weeks before Valentine's Day of this year, he put a promise ring on my finger. We broke up a week later. We had been dating for eight months. We knew each other better than we knew ourselves. I could finish his sentences and he could finish mine. I can't count the number of times, even in the oddest circumstances, when I had looked up at him and truly thought that someday, his last name would be mine, too.
And then I just.. changed my mind.
"This can't be real," he said. "You're my soulmate."
"I don't think that's true," I said, and that was that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That story hurts me to tell, for a lot of reasons. Mostly because it was so recent, and still very present in my head, but also because it's shaped so much of how I look at love today, and it's the reason why I really can't answer anything about whether or not I believe in soulmates.
I had. If you had asked me at almost any point during those eight months, I would've said not only that soulmates do exist, but that I had found mine at the age of 19 years young. I really did believe in it, and even today I still don't know what it is that made me think differently so quickly. Maybe it was fear. Fear of commitment, fear of getting hurt, fear of "leaving the party" as some might say. Hell, maybe it really was love and I just said fuck it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
But let me ask you this: do you think soulmates just... exist? Do you believe there's someone out there you're just destined to be with, or do you think that relationship gets built and in building it, you discover that that's your person?
I've posed this question to more than one hundred people, and I'm always amazed when I reach out to people like that to get opinions because the answers I get are always so different. Different from my own, and different from each other. Which really makes me think, and thinking brings me peace. So thank you, and I hope you know how incredible you are.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here are nine out of the 150+ answers I got, and my lord my heart has never been so full.
1) "You meet someone. You develop a soulmate."
2) "Soulmates exist only for the people who put their entire souls into the things and people they love."
3) "I think soulmates are only for people who aren't strong-souled enough to handle the world on their own."
4) "The boy who sat next to me all through my high school calculus class made me want to tear my hair out and scream almost every single day. I hated him. Now we're buying plates together, and both of our names are on the bills."
5) "Love at first sight is the worst lie. Falling in love with the way someone looks isn't falling in love with them, it's just wanting them."
6) "Your soulmate may not be who you fall in love with. Your mentor could be your soul mate. It doesn't have to be romantic, you just have a connection you can't really explain to anyone else."
7) "I caught a peek at a boy across the room from me in a restaurant once and thought his face was the prettiest thing I'd ever see. We've been married for 68 years."
8) "Love at first sight could happen, I think. You just have to brace yourself for the fact that it may very easily prove itself to not be real love."
9) (and this is my favorite answer) "That's too complicated to answer. That's what life is for."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I originally got the idea to ask you guys these questions and blog about something I knew was incredibly multi-layered and complex, I wanted to write about it to see if I could come to a conclusion. A solid answer.
Before I got to this point, I strongly agreed with the boy who answered this question in #1. I just thought that it seemed insane to be one person, in a world of billions, destined to meet ONE specific other person to spend my life with. I thought that was crazy, not to mention almost impossible. I started realizing that maybe I'll just fall for someone in a spur-of-the-moment type instance, and from then on that relationship will grow until I end up finally realizing that that's my person. My soulmate. Whether or not they started that way.
Now?
Now my answer is the same as #9. I should have known. Any question about love is so brave and bold and ambiguous that it remains to be too complicated to answer one way or another. I think for the first time, I'm okay with not being answered. I think this is the one thing I'm okay with not even coming close to understanding. Because it really is what life is for. I'll happily spend my whole life learning things and looking for answers.
Maybe I won't even go looking. Maybe I'll just sort of stumble upon something or someone. My mom always said things like "a watched pot never boils" and "don't be afraid to fall, you can always get back up." I wonder if people who go looking for love ever truly find it.
I'm not afraid of waiting, wondering, wandering, or getting bruised. So I guess we'll see.
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Image credit: 21DaysToAttractYourSoulmate.com (found via Google Images)
PLUG:
If you ever would like to reach out to me with questions, need advice, or want to help me out by answering some of my questions, feel free to contact me using any of the social media sites below. I answer anything, I'm always willing to help and I love hearing from you.
SnapChat: hxtobias
Twitter: hxtobias
Facebook: Hannah Tobias
Instagram: hxtobias
Email: htobias97@gmail.com
OR if you know me personally, call/text me anytime.
xox, - blogger/dreamer/human/girl, strong, brave, bold, unbreakable
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