Evolve or remain.

It's hurt to write lately and if I'm honest with you, it's hurt to do most things. 2020 has been far from kind. Kinda feel like in the last three months, I've lived the whole year and then some. At the beginning of the year I promised myself that 2020 would be better, but by the the middle of January I had lost a job and applied for another one that I ended up not getting. Two weeks in a row during the month of February I found myself in the emergency room, barely able to get a deep breath, and ended up finding out it was all because I had a separated/fractured rib. So when March got here, I had high hopes that things would start looking up. Every morning for two months or so, my grandparents and I texted each other a countdown of the days until I'd be catching an afternoon flight to see them for the first time in years. For weeks leading up to that day, I was so excited to finally be getting that chance that I pre-packed as much of my suitcase as I could. Ev...

Where to start? It's been a whirlwind the last couple weeks. My classes have started up again for the last time, and that's been hitting me a little harder than I'd expected. 4 months and my undergrad is complete? That can't be real.  The night before I started third grade I cried to my parents because I had heard that third grade was when you had to learn long division. The thought of that terrified me. But now I'm 12 credit hours away from graduating college, knowing I'm having to make my way in the real world- and it doesn't make any sense to me that this is the circumstance that doesn't scare me. At least, not nearly as much.   A lot of things right now are making me anxious, but I think that's normal. I got comfortable in college classes just in time to be done. Just in time for the world to need me out in it, and just in time for me to need myself more than ever. Just in time to need a coffee date with my mama in a cafe on a Sunday af...

"You know what I'm craving? A little perspective. That's it. I'd like some fresh, clear, well-seasoned perspective. Can you suggest a good wine to go with that?" - Anton Ego, Disney Pixar's "Ratatouille" Don't worry. I'm going somewhere with that.  My Tuesday started with a free cup of coffee and red lipstick that made me feel invincible -- and then I lost my journalism job. To be honest I saw it coming, but with my college graduation coming up in a few short months and my up-in-the-air plans for everything that'll come after that... the timing didn't make it suck any less. So I did the thing and let myself sit on that in silence for a few minutes. I allowed myself to think and actually even say, "this sucks" several times with a couple of swear words thrown in once or twice because in that moment, I knew it was important for me to pay attention to the way my heart and soul initially reacted.  The reality that I...

Yesterday I was running late for work. Not really late, but behind my normal schedule and I hate that. I've always been someone who's early to things, even when it meant having to wake up earlier despite me being the opposite of a morning person. My high school started classes at 8 a.m., and there were only a handful of times in those four years when I got there any time after 7:30. I liked getting there early enough to read a chapter or two of my book and ease into the morning before 2,300 other kids showed up- and high school has been over for a long time, but I'm still that way. If I start work at 8, I'm up at 6 and you'll see me on the road by 7:10. I love feeling ahead. I love having enough time to look around, craft a playlist for the drive, pick up a coffee, and maybe pick up some groceries before anyone else is awake enough to be forming lines at checkout counters. However many of those extra minutes I get are important to me. That's all I'm getti...

A lot changed this year. Some that I'll talk about, and some that I won't. Some that I saw coming, and some that I never could've expected. Some that I wish I could live again, some that I'll spend quite a while trying to forget. But 2019 was good. Really good. Despite the jam packed calendar and personal challenges. 2019 was really, really good- and I'm choosing to focus on that.  Because I could say that this was one of my worst years as far as my mental illness is concerned, and I could highlight why that's true, but I'd much rather sit here and tell you about how I let it all help me. This was the first year I was brave enough to open up about my mental illness. I started writing a lot more about what it's like to live with depression and anxiety, and consequently found myself buried in very intimate conversations about it too. Conversations I was never really ready for, but had been waiting to have at the same time. Conversations that forced...

The other day my professor for one of my lecture courses started the session by calling my name and asking me to read my paper in front of the class. I declined.  Writing is what I do and it's what I'm comfortable with, but it's also where I go with all the parts of me that I don't feel safe enough to speak about. That's where I go to put the feelings and ideas that make me uncomfortable or that highlight my insecurities, because there's nobody inside that paper trying to question it, criticize it, or (worst of all) give me an unsolicited opinion. But I didn't know how to make him understand that, so I just told him I'd pass. "He looks defeated," the person sitting next to me in class told me as my professor tucked my paper back into his binder.   My professor pulled my paper out a second time, motioning to me in hopes I'd change my mind. "This is really good," he said. "You're full of really good ideas and I...

This piece will be all over the place, similar to the way I've been for the longest time. Warning you in advance in case you'd like an out, signaling you to settle in if you're someone who would like to stay. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I talk a lot about how I have no regrets. How I've grown to appreciate the value of experience for everything that it is. How I've ended up as someone who can look back on my absolute worst memories and can still say, "at least that taught me something," or "at least I was able to grow from that" while genuinely believing it with all that I am. But it hasn't always been like that. I'm only able to value any of that now because there was a time in my life when I was the furthest thing from teachable. If I had to regret one thing, it'd have to be the time I spent thinking I knew all there was to know and that I always had to be right. I wasted a l...